Page 67 of Starting Over at Halesmere House
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to.’ She still thought of it as ‘left’ but he was right. It was his own new start; it just happened to be six hours away from hers.
‘Why didn’t you tell me before? January was two months ago.’ Zac’s voice was strained, as though each word needed more breath to release its meaning.
‘I was so thrilled, Zac, but I didn’t exactly expect you to feel the same.’ Alice attempted a smile. ‘You were just starting out with your new life, and I didn’t want to throw a bomb under all of that.’
‘No, Stan did that a couple of hours ago.’ Zac rolled his eyes, and she raised a shoulder.
‘We had a wonderful time,’ she told him softly. ‘But we both knew it was going to be over at some point and I had no idea how you’d feel about this, whether you’d actually want…’
‘A baby? To be a father?’ He sighed. ‘One day, probably.’
‘Exactly. Not now, not like this.’ Alice didn’t addwith me; they’d neither of them ever imagined it was even possible. It was one of the reasons she’d refused to try to hold him back from his move, because she couldn’t give him the family, or so she’d thought, that maybe he’d eventually want. She’d been concealing her true feelings about him for months and it was crucial to keep doing that in these next moments. This was about their baby, not how her heart felt about Zac. She was still learning how to live without him.
‘What about you?’
‘Our circumstances aren’t ideal but they’re not unusual. Some people have babies when they’re no longer together.’ She paused. ‘And I needed time to reassess my future and plan how I’ll cope, on my own.’
At first she’d lain awake at night worrying about this. For all the joy and the anticipation, it was a long road ahead and she was thirty-eight. This would probably never happen again, and she’d thought of how far she’d come since her first loss, the end of her marriage and her move. But those nights filled with anxiety were gone; she was starting over again and this time it was very different.
‘On your own?’ Zac’s head jerked up. ‘So you’ve already decided that, have you? Decided what role I can play in my own kid’s life?’
‘What? No! I want you to be involved, of course I do. It’s just…’
‘What?’ His gaze hardened on hers. ‘I know what it’s like to grow up without one parent being around. I never thought I’d do that to my own child.’
‘I understand, but I know I can do this,’ she rushed out. ‘I’ve had time to think it through and I’ve learned so much about myself these past two years. I was half of a couple for so long and I wasn’t sure I knew who I was outside of my marriage. I’ve come a long way and I can feel my own strength now, like a band of steel running through me. I’m not saying I’m naïve enough to think it’s all going to be a bed of roses, but I’ll be okay. Me and the baby. It’s my future but it doesn’t have to be yours as well. You and I were wonderful while it lasted, but…’
Alice couldn’t continue without wanting to confess how she still felt, and she reached across to touch his hand. ‘I want you to be part of this, Zac, I do. And I’m sure you need to think about it too and decide how that might look for you.’
‘So how do we find a way to take care of this child together?’ He was staring at her fingers resting on his and she slid them away.
‘Are you serious?’ This was more than she’d dared hope for but maybe it was just high emotion talking, and he’d reconsider when he was three hundred miles away. ‘There’s no rush. Go home and let’s talk again when you’ve had time to process it.’
‘Home?’ Zac sighed as he glanced at the antique clock on the wall. ‘Right. I’ve got to leave soon – early start tomorrow.’
‘I understand.’ Alice stood up, hand on her bump. She touched it often, reassuring both of them. ‘I am sorry about how you found out and that you’ve landed in the middle of something with me you never expected.’ She took a breath. ‘But I’m not sorry about the baby. There was no decision to be made about that once I knew.’
‘I would never have asked that of you, no matter what it means to me, or how we’re going to cope,’ he said sharply. ‘Never. I know how much you wanted a family.’
Her hand was on the familiar wriggle inside her that became more insistent by the day.
‘What?’
‘Just the baby moving. I’m used to it now.’ She hesitated. ‘Do you want to try? They might not do it again, though, or are still too small for you to feel it. They’re about the size of a pomegranate now.’
‘Can I?’ he asked hoarsely, and she nodded. His hand curled around their baby’s emerging bump and a rush of tears followed as her eyes met his. Whatever the future might be for all three of them, this was a moment she’d always treasure. The baby wriggled again, and he didn’t need to utter a word to let her know he’d felt it. The wonder of it was in his eyes and he nodded fiercely.
‘What did you want to talk to me about, Zac?’ she asked quietly, aware that time was passing, and he needed to go. ‘You mentioned it this morning, at the church.’
‘Just a catch-up, nothing much.’ He removed his hand and neither of them knew quite how to say goodbye. ‘I’ll find a way, Alice. I promise.’
Three weeks later, Alice had agreed to meet Zac at the hospital for her scan, hopefully just a routine appointment. She’d tried to suggest that he didn’t make the journey in the first place, but he was having none of it. She’d offered him the guest room at home, and he’d refused, saying he had to get back and he’d catch a kip in his van when he needed it.
They were in touch every week, sending one another polite messages. Ones when he would enquire how she and the baby were doing, and she’d let him know things were fine. He was in the car park when she arrived, and he came over, holding his arms out for a stilted sort of a hug she wasn’t expecting.
‘Thank you for doing this.’ Sandy had been prepared to come instead but Alice was glad Zac was here. ‘I hope you won’t be too tired by the drive later.’
‘I’ll be fine.’ He glanced down. The weather was improving all the time and her cardigan was unfastened. ‘You’ve grown.’
