Page 68 of Snowfall Over Halesmere House
It was a few hours away; she had plenty of time to get ready. She felt chilly suddenly, the delicious anticipation of time alone with him disappearing in the cool reality of his eyes. ‘You still want to go… with me?’
‘Do you? If it’s yes, Ella, then let’s keep it to you being my plus one, not my date. Simpler that way, nothing we need to hide.’
It was as though he wasn’t really seeing her. She sensed his mind was full of something else and was almost certain it was his late wife. How could it not be, at this time of year, Christmas over and his children away, the time he had spent with Victoria’s family bringing back the reality of his loss? He wanted to be alone with his memories.
And Ella knew then that she wouldn’t be staying at Halesmere. Max didn’t feel the same way she did. And she understood. It was madness to have hoped for something else and she would have to let them all go. She already loved Lily and Arlo too much to risk their happiness for a fling.
‘I’m not coming with you.’ The words were tumbling from Ella’s lips and her throat felt scratchy. ‘I know you’re still angry with me for not telling you about the college and I’m sorry I didn’t. I hadn’t planned to let you down at the last minute, I’ll obviously pay you for my ticket.’
Part of her was hoping he’d challenge her decision, insist she come with him, that he wanted her there, but she saw none of those words forming in the cool reality of his stare. ‘Maybe it’s for the best,’ he said. ‘And of course you don’t need to pay for your ticket, it’s my children’s school they’re raising money for.’
And there it was. His children, his school, his life. She couldn’t push him, even though she wanted to hear the possibility of a future, a reason to stay, not another one to run.
‘It’s too soon, too much.’ She tried to smile, make herself laugh it off. ‘We can’t risk Lily and Arlo for something that might never amount to anything.’
‘You’re right. You’re the one who’s leaving here, even if you do stay in Cumbria.’ Max’s eyes on hers were hard and he let the bags in his arms fall to the ground. ‘You’re the one who said family life wasn’t for you because you won’t risk your heart to love anyone else. You’re the one who didn’t think it important enough to tell me you were thinking of staying and find out what that might mean to me and my children. We barely get a minute alone because I’m almost always with them. That’s my reality and it isn’t going to change, but I can’t expect it to be yours as well when it’s something you never wanted. Lily and Arlo come first, and I think that maybe being alone is easier for all of us.’
Ella’s stomach dropped. She wanted him, loved him, and loved his children too, and her heart was already breaking at the thought of leaving them. But if he would never allow himself to love her back, then she couldn’t stay at Halesmere, whatever role she chose for her career.
‘I understand, Ella, I do,’ he went on. ‘I know you don’t want to be hurt again and neither do I, but I don’t think we fit into your new future. What is it you actually want? A different job, another life somewhere else? A place where no one knows your story and you can keep on hiding in the shadows? Has it ever occurred to you that you’re not actually living two lives?’ His voice became gentler as the resentment disappeared. ‘What if you’re only really living half a life, with half of your heart?’
‘And what if I stayed?’ Her voice was a frightened whisper. Something in his words told her he was right, that she had been living only a half a life before she came here.
‘Do you mean it? And for what? How do I know we’ll be enough for you when all your decisions seem to be based around your career?’ He took a tiny step back. ‘I can’t offer more than a maybe on you and me if I can’t trust you to stay, Ella, much as I want to.’
‘That’s not fair, you’re suggesting I stay for a maybe! That I change my entire life and hang around here on the off-chance that maybe someday we’ll find a way to commit. I’ve already turned down every approach I’ve had because I dread the thought of leaving you all. But I need a job when I’m done here, Max.’ Ella’s voice hardened. ‘Ashley told me you were looking into a company managing the house.’
‘She said what?’ His words were sharp, and his eyes narrowed. ‘I had one meeting so I could create a valid job description to suit Halesmere. I don’t even remember telling her.’ He shook his head. ‘Ashley’s a friend, Ella, or I thought she was. And that’s it. I wanted to make your role permanent, find a way for you to stay. But you didn’t tell me what you were planning, and I’m frightened I’d wake up one morning and you’d be on your way because you’ve had a better offer, a shiny new career somewhere else. I can’t do that to my children, and I don’t want it for myself either.’
‘It seems neither of us is great at sharing what we’re thinking.’ Ella’s eyes were glittering, and adrenaline was racing through her limbs, leaving her trembling as the truth escaped in a rush. ‘Falling in love with you hasn’t completely ruined my reason; I know you’re right to be cautious and I’m not crazy enough to expect you to be on one knee at the ball or making some grand gesture. But I can’t risk more of my heart for a maybe if you won’t trust me. I need to know it’s something we both believe can last if I stay here for you, and Lily and Arlo, regardless of what job I do. I need to know your children aren’t going to be hurt again.’
Too late, she wanted to take it back. She had let spill what she felt for him, and shock was chasing across his face as the colour drained from it. His mouth opened but no words came. He shut it again and Ella laughed sharply.
‘It’s okay, Max, you don’t have to say anything. I’ll see out the job here – unless you want me to go before. Whatever’s best for Lily and Arlo; I don’t want to risk upsetting them unnecessarily.’ She hesitated, blinked back the tears threatening. At least now he knew what was in her heart and she could think about her future – one without him and his family. She turned towards the house, and a second later his voice, shaky and still urgent, followed.
‘Ella, wait, please. We need to…’
‘What? How can we make this fit if we can’t find a way to share what we feel?’ She couldn’t look at him. ‘Happy New Year, Max, truly. I wish you all the best.’
Chapter Twenty-Three
‘Ella? Are you in there? I need you! Ella!’
Ella gritted her teeth. She was curled up on a sofa in the drawing room, but she knew Noelle well enough to recognise that tone and that Noelle wasn’t going to be dissuaded. Ella got up and trailed over to open the door. At least she hadn’t borrowed Max’s keys and let herself in, although Ella wouldn’t put it past her if she hadn’t replied.
‘Hi Noelle, what can I do for you?’
‘You can sit for me, that is what.’ Noelle grabbed her arm. Ella’s laugh was almost a splutter as she found herself being towed across the drive and through the arch.
‘Noelle, it’s dark and getting late. It’s New Year’s Eve. Surely you’re not painting? I was just planning a nice quiet evening and I’m really not in the mood.’
‘You do not need to be in the mood, Ella, I do. I am the artist.’ Noelle was surprisingly strong, and Ella rolled her eyes. She’d had a bath and changed into her pyjamas and a long, lonely night beckoned. She sighed, she supposed she might as well sit for Noelle, it would see out the last hours of the year and at least she wouldn’t be alone. She had no idea if Max had gone to the ball. Maybe he would take Ashley instead and she would be a better fit for him, after all. She already had children, she lived here, they worked together. Maybe that would be enough for him.
Once Noelle had Ella in the studio, the rose chiffon gown waiting, she finally seemed satisfied that Ella wasn’t going to escape. Ella took off her pyjamas and changed into the gown, the fabric seeming to sigh against her skin. As she emerged from behind the screen, Noelle pointed to a pair of beautiful high-heeled sandals in palest pink.
‘Wear those,’ she instructed. ‘Today I need you taller. They will fit. You have small feet.’
Ella put the heels on obediently, already feeling more elegant and slightly less balanced. Noelle arranged her as before, one hand up to her face, holding the gown off the floor with the other. She glanced at a clock on the wall, picked up a pencil, her brow furrowed.
