Page 41 of Christmas at the Home Farm Vets
‘I think my dad would be there for me too, if I let him. But part of me is scared of forgiving him for what he did because then maybe it’s not supposed to matter anymore, that it didn’t hurt that much after all.’
‘Maybe there comes a point when you have to find a way to forgive, because in the end it’s also about how you live your own life. How much of that hurt you can let go of and how much you still carry with you.’
‘How are you so wise?’ Oli touched his forehead to hers. He was so close, and she’d only need to lean forward an inch or two to find his lips with her own.
‘I think I was born that way.’ They smiled and she eased back, trying to loosen the moment without shattering it completely. ‘Thank you for the Christmas tree. I think it’s a perfect size for a pot.’
‘You’re welcome. Do I get to help you decorate it?’
‘What, string a few lights around that,’ she quipped, and he grinned. ‘It’ll take us about five minutes.’
‘I don’t care,’ he said softly. ‘I’d still like to decorate it with you. I’ll even make us hot chocolate.’
‘Decorate the tree even though you won’t be here for Christmas?’
‘Yes, even though I won’t be here for Christmas.’ He paused, his words a breath against her cheek, landing like kisses on her skin, his mouth still tantalisingly close to hers. ‘We really messed up at Catz, didn’t we? So many missed opportunities.’
‘Yes. We were so young,’ she whispered back. His words from last night were in her mind again, etched on her heart too. That he still cared, and she knew it was the same for her. ‘I was scared of admitting I’d fallen in love with you. Scared of trusting you.’
‘I was frightened too,’ he admitted. ‘Worried that if my dad didn’t love me enough to stay then why would anyone else?’
‘Oli.’ Erin’s breath caught and she placed a hand either side of his face, the beard gentle and rough all at once against her palms. ‘Never think that, because it’s not true. Not for you. Your dad loves you. Mine didn’t, and I won’t let that define my life forever.’ She was thinking of Imogen and Alex’s party and Oli being there alone, not having a partner to stand alongside him and hold his hand when he needed it.
‘I can’t promise, not until I’ve cleared it with Gil, and then there’s Marnie to consider,’ she said quietly. ‘But would you like me to drive you down to Marlborough on Saturday?’
Chapter Sixteen
Monday was hugely exciting because Marnie came home, and Erin wasn’t sure how she’d ever thought Bramble Cottage had been complete without her. She’d nipped into town early and bought everything she needed, including the cosiest bed she could find, a soft nest of cream fur that she hoped Marnie would find comforting. It still chilled her to think of the kitten huddled beside a ditch, starving and sick with no one to care for her until Dorothy came along. Erin had no idea how she’d settle, having spent those first weeks of her life living with a feral mum. Marnie would be coming into the practice for now, until she gradually got used to Erin leaving her at home alone.
Oli arrived home soon after Erin and they were both distracted by Marnie, taking turns to sit beside her bed on the sofa. She was wary and unsettled after the change in routine, and still weak, but Erin was heartened that she ate a small feed and went to her litter tray afterwards. However much she wanted Marnie to understand the cottage was home now, and she’d be loved and cared for, it was a huge change in her circumstances. Busy serving chicken arrabbiata from the slow cooker, she was also watching Oli with Marnie and trying not to like the sight too much. The kitten was soon tired, and she curled in her bed as they ate on their knees.
‘So I spoke with Gil,’ Erin said casually. ‘And he said it’s fine for me to take the weekend off.’
‘You’re sure?’ Oli shifted to look at her. ‘Because I know how you feel about personal relationships at work, and when this gets out – and it will – everyone’s going to wonder about you and me.’
‘You don’t want me to come?’ She tried to quash a flare of panic before it took hold. Had he changed his mind, didn’t want her there?
‘What? No, of course I do. I want you to be there with me, as long as you want the same thing.’
‘I want to be there, Oli, to support you,’ she told him softly. ‘We’ll deal with work when we have to, and anyway, there’s nothing to tell. We’re just friends and I’m your plus-one for a party.’
He found her hand but stopped short of threading his fingers between hers. Gradually the barriers between them were being diminished and Erin was aware she’d broken another one down when she’d offered to accompany him to his sister’s engagement celebration. Revealing their plan to Jess was trickier, as Erin also had to ask her friend if she’d mind taking care of Marnie for the weekend. Jess agreed at once and alongside a knowing wink, told Erin she hoped they had a brilliant time.
Last night Jason had sent her an apology after Raf’s video message, but Erin knew it didn’t matter anymore. In her reply she’d suggested they call it a day as they both had different priorities and there seemed little point in continuing. He’d responded a few hours later, informing her there were no hard feelings and to give him a call if she changed her mind.
She’d read the message twice, wondering how she had ever thought he might be someone with whom she could envisage any kind of future. There was no shared life to divide, no real sense of an ending. They’d made no plans for the holidays together, no cosy nights in front of the fire and a festive movie, or wintery walks around Christmas markets. She also felt a little untethered around Oli without Jason’s presence in the background, as though she needed him there to help keep her feelings about Oli in check.
Already this was Oli’s last week, with just another ten days until Christmas. As the weekend approached, she and Oli kept an eye on Marnie at work, depending on which of them was in the practice or out on calls. At home they took turns to feed and play with her; she was becoming used to being handled, and once she’d sat on Erin’s lap and purred contentedly. He was endlessly kind and patient, emptying the litter tray if he was first down in the mornings and feeding her. He seemed to find as much pleasure in Marnie’s company as Erin did, and on Thursday evening she’d gulped back tears when she’d come downstairs and found him sprawled on the sofa asleep with Marnie curled on his chest.
It hadn’t taken long to decorate the little Christmas tree in its pot outside the front door, but they’d done it together, and it was a cheerful reminder of the season every time she came home. She’d reluctantly cancelled the festive movie night with Jess as having a houseful of guests might be too much for Marnie right now.
On Saturday, she was surprised at how difficult it was to leave Marnie with Jess, who was staying overnight in the cottage so as not to disrupt the kitten’s routine too much. As a third-year nurse well on her way to being fully qualified, Erin had absolutely no qualms about Jess, but it was still hard, to close the door and get into the pickup. Jess had hugged them both, told them not to rush back tomorrow.
For Erin, making the offer to accompany Oli to the party had been an instinctive one when he’d been feeling vulnerable and unsettled, and she hadn’t needed to think twice. But sitting beside him as they set out for Imogen and Alex’s house on a grey and sludgy day, it felt very different and also familiar. They’d come a long way since they’d shared a long journey that first Michaelmas term at Catz. They’d graduated university and were members of the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons, had survived the pressure of exams and those early years in practice when theory had threatened to vanish when presented with the sudden realities of the swift and tough decisions they had to make.
She cast a sidelong glance at Oli as she drove, and her stomach dropped with a longing she’d been trying for days to deny. Since Imogen’s visit and Erin’s break up with Jason, there had been a subtle shift in their relationship, as though they were both afraid to ignite a flame that might never burn out. She was beginning to dread him leaving in just three days, when she would wake each morning in the cottage without him, and once again their lives would lead them along different paths.
They grabbed a quick lunch from the services and set off again, and once they’d left the motorway it was still another forty-five minutes to the house. Imogen and Alex lived a few miles south of the town in a new-build they’d moved into three months ago. Erin glanced at the sat nav and her nerves fluttered again. She knew Oli had messaged his sister to let her know Erin was coming, but she had no idea what his family would make of her being at his side for such a personal and special event.
