Page 25 of Love in the Stacks
Nicole leaves the doorway now and drops into the chair in front of my desk, folding one leg underneath her. She rests her forearms on the edge of my desk, gripping each of her elbows with the opposite hand. Leaning forward, she meets my eyes.
“It’s this event where people get up and speak for like five minutes, each to share a story or information on a topic they’re passionate about.” She pauses, or maybe just stops for a breath.
“Yes,” I say.
She gives me a puzzled look. “Don’t you want to know the topics for tonight before you decide?”
No. Don’t care. If Nicole’s inviting me, I’m going.
“Ah, sure. Of course. What are the topics?”
She tells me a bit about some of the speakers and what they’ll be talking about. No clowns, but one person will be talking about the art of mime through the ages, sopretty close.
“It starts at six, so we’ll need to go pretty much right after work, but they have local food trucks so we can get dinner there,” Nicole finishes explaining.
“Honestly,” I say, “it sounds great.” And it really does. This event sounds like something I’d go to on my own, if I had known about it. “I’m definitely in.”
Nicole’s face lights up, and my chest becomes a pinball machine. My heart pings wildly in every direction, and then, her beaming smile directed right at me causes a crescendo of flashes and clanging bells. It takes a minute or two for my body to regulate and my logical brain to click back into place.
“Oh, wait,” I start.
“What?” she asks, her face falling. She sits back against the chair and crosses her arms over her chest. “You can’t go after all?”
“Ican,” I say slowly, “but I’ll need to stop home first to let my dog outside. And it’s not exactly on the way.”
“You have a dog?” Her eyes flash with interest, and she leans forward again.
“I do. Her name is Joan. Maybe I can meet you there?”
“Well…” she hesitates.
“It’s just that it’s already a long day for her while I’m at work, and I don’t want to make her wait longer,” I clarify.
“No, I get it. That’s important. And responsible. It’s just…” she trails off again. Her cheeks turn pink as her eyes search my face beseechingly. Oh. Disappointment rolls through me when I realize what she’s trying to say, but I play it off.
“Ohhh,” I force my tone to be as light as possible. “I understand. You need a ride. You invited me for my car.” I force a smile so that she sees I’m teasing.
Her entire face is red now, and she winces at my words. Her chin dips down. “No,” she starts. “Well, a ride would make things easier for me, but…” Her jaw sets, and she lifts her face back up to mine. When she speaks again, her voice is firm. “I would like a ride, but I want it to be with you. It’s not about your car; it’s about you, Adam. I heard about Soapbox, and it reminded me of when we were talking in my office about graphic novels, and you said you like hearing people talk about things that interest them. I thought you’d enjoy it and that we could go together.”
I’m quiet for a moment as my breath bottles up in my chest, stuck as I consider Nicole’s words. She thought of me. She remembers my words from months ago. She wants to go withme. Finally, I nod and lick my lips, the tips quirking up slightly. Holding her gaze, I offer a solution.
“Iwouldenjoy it, more so if we go together. How do you feel about riding with me to my house? I’ll walk Joan real quick and then we can head out?”
Nicole exhales a quiet breath and nods. She swallows before saying, “That works for me if you’re sure it’s okay.” She laughs nervously. “You might not want a random coworker at your house.”
We lock eyes. “You’re not a random coworker,” I tell her.
She tilts her head slightly, waiting for me to say more, but I don’t explain. Another beat passes.
“Okay then,” Nicole grits out, slapping her palms against her thighs and standing. “I’ll meet you back here in a few hours?”
I give her an easy smile. “Sounds great. I’m looking forward to it, Nicole. Truly.”
She dips her chin as she backs toward my office door, a shy smile playing at her lips. “Me too,” she says, and then she’s gone.
On the ride to my house after work, Nicole’s quiet. I don’t say much either, but my mind is spinning. Tonight will be the first time that Nicole and I will spend real time together outside of work. Driving her to the airport in December doesn’t count. I know what this means to me—letting her see more of who I am and hopefully breaking down her walls a bit more so I can know her better. She’s guarded—with me, but also with other colleagues at the library. She projects confidence in meetings, but I’m starting to get the sense that her confidence doesn’t extend to personal relationships. She holds back. I see snippets of her unfiltered personality from time to time, and I crave more. What I wouldn’t give to be someone she trusts enough to be vulnerable with, to be wholly herself around.
It’s a slow process. I’m deliberately holding back; spoon feeding her flashes of my feelings, my attraction. If she knew the depths of this crush, I’m certain it would overwhelm her. I feel a twinge of guilt. Am I lying to her? Manipulating her? I don’t pressure her though; this is at her speed. And the thing is, Iknowshe enjoys the time we spend together. She sought me out for this event tonight.She invited me. Yes, she needed a ride, but I believe that it mattered to her who provided that ride. And she chose me. If we get to the friendship zone and never pass it, fine. I’ll find a way to deal with that. For now, though, she’s still seeing me as just a coworker, and I know we can be more to each other than that.
