Page 72 of Love in the Stacks
We spend the next few minutes locked to each other, communicating with our mouths, but not using words. When we finally break apart, I think we both feel more settled, though I still sense an uneasiness in her.
“How about you?” I ask. “Everything okay?”
She makes a humming sound in her throat. “You need to know, Adam, to understand me, that in my brain, everything is never okay. I always have some worry or another floating around, though I mostly keep them contained.” She’s quiet for a minute, as if assessing the contents of her mind. “Right now, the biggest runaway worry is the graphic novel stuff. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen, so my brain is making plans for multiple possible outcomes, most of those worst-case scenarios.”
I frown. “How can I help?”
“Being with you does help. But as true as that is, I need you to understand that it’s not your job to make sure I don’t worry.”
“I know,” I say, but I’m already thinking of how to help her feel better.
“No,” she says. She lays her hands on either side of my face and holds my head in place, her eyes locked on mine. “Listen. It’s not your job to make sure I don’t worry. I want to be able to talk to you about what’s going on in my head and to share my feelings, and hear about yours, but you have to know that I’m not asking you to fix it. To fix me.”
I feel a pang in my chest. “You’re not broken,” I say.
“I know,” she says, and the confidence in her dazzling smile has my stomach in a flurry.
The next week, Herb calls us into his office again. Nicole and I arrive at his door at the same time, and before we go in, I reach over and give her hand a small squeeze. She squeezes back and smiles weakly at me.
As soon as we see Herb’s face, we know it’s not good news. Hopefully hewasn’tin the CIA, because the man has no poker face.
“Take a seat,” he says quietly. Once we do, he spreads his hands, palms up, and shrugs. “Well, I wish I could be talking to you under better circumstances, but Dr. Clifton has called a meeting with college leadership, including the board of trustees.”
“What kind of meeting?” Nicole asks.
“Sort of a hearing. The leadership and board will listen to us present about the graphic novel collection and then vote to decide if it belongs in the library.”
Nicole’s face falls, but I focus on the positive news in Herb’s words. They’re willing to listen to us.
“When’s the meeting?” I ask. “And what do we need to do?”
“It’s in two weeks.” Herb gives a date in early June. “We need to put together information about the collection, how it’s good for the college, and how it contributes to student learning. Nicole,” Herb turns to her, “I’d like you to speak on behalf of the librarians. I’ll talk a bit, too, but you’re such a talented speaker and your passion for the project will come through.”
I nod. Nicole speaking makes sense in every way. Plus, I’m pretty sure that means I won’t have to.
Herb continues, “Adam, of course, will be in the meeting as well. And all three of us will work together to prepare our evidence.”
Nicole glances between me and Herb, and then nods. “Okay.”
“Take the rest of the day today to absorb the news and start thinking about the presentation. Tomorrow, we’ll meet and start brainstorming together. Susan will send meeting invites to your email.”
“Thanks, Herb,” I say as we stand to leave.
“Yes,” Nicole echoes. “Thank you.”
I walk Nicole to her office and at the door, she stops and turns to me.
“I need to sit for a while and think about this by myself,” she tells me.
My first instinct is to protest, to insist on sitting in her office with her to make sure she’s okay, but I stop myself. I remember she doesn’t want me to fix problems for her. I remind myself that it’s not my job. “Okay,” I nod. “Can I walk you home later, though?”
“That would be great.”
“Good. If you want to talk before then, I’ll be in my office.”
She places her hand on my chest, her eyes soft with gratitude. “I know where to find you,” she says with a smile.
I meet Nicole back at her office when the workday is over. My car is in the library parking lot, but the walk to Nicole’s apartment is so short, I figure I can easily come back for my car later when I go home. I can’t stay too long, anyway, since Joan is waiting for me.
