Page 73 of Love in the Stacks
Nicole is quiet as we walk. Finally, I squeeze her hand and ask, “What are you thinking about?”
“The hearing,” she admits.
“Yeah,” I say. “What about it?”
“What it will be like. What we need to present. How Dr. Clifton will react.”
“So, everything?”
“Pretty much,” she answers with a sad chuckle. “But anyway, how was the rest of your day?”
I stop walking and turn her toward me, placing my hands on her upper arms. She’s shutting me out again, just like almost every time we come close to having a deeper conversation about her anxiety. “Please don’t,” I say urgently. “Don’t shut down and change the subject. Trust me, please. I’m here for you. Not to fix anything, but to listen. You said you wanted to be able to talk to me about what’s going on in your head, so talk to me.”
She searches my face and then nods once. “You’re right,” she says. “I know you have to get home to Joan, but if you have like thirty minutes? We can talk at my apartment.”
I release a breath. “That sounds good,” I agree. “Joan can wait a little longer.”
When we get to her apartment and go inside, we settle on the couch.
“So…” I prompt.
Nicole takes a deep breath. “Okay,” she says with a subdued grin. “Remember, you asked for this. I’ve been thinking about the hearing all day, and I realize that’s going to be my downfall here.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if I were sitting somewhere, in a meeting or something, and someone said they don’t think graphic novels belong in the library, I would immediately start defending our program. I wouldn’t stop to think or gather my thoughts, I would just argue.” She shrugs.
“The extemporaneous speaking thing.”
“Yeah. But with this hearing, I have two weeks to basically overthink everything: ruminate on what they could say and what I would say back and just exhaust myself really with all the possible outcomes. I’m … I’m imagining worst-case scenarios.”
“Okay.” I pause. “What’s the worst-case scenario?”
She looks at me, and then hides her face in her hands. In a muffled voice, she manages, “I get fired.” She drops her hands and tears gather in her eyes as she continues. “And don’t tell me that getting fired is unlikely. Iknowthat. But I’m having troublefeelingthat.”
I sit for a moment absorbing her words. I pull her closer and rub her back in small, soothing strokes. When I speak again, I choose my words carefully. “And what would happen if you get fired?”
“I’ll have to find a new job, and it won’t be around here, and I’ll have to move away…” She sobs against me. “...and we’ll break up, and I’ll be alone forever.”
I don’t say anything—nottrying to fix it—but I do move her so she’s directly in my lap. I hold my arms aroundher tightly.
“I can’t leave!” she says wetly into my chest. “I like it here. You’re here.” The misery in her voice guts me, but at the same time, my heart swells.
“You don’t need to worry about me,” I say. And then, singing a little, I add, “If you leave, I will follow. Anywhere that you tell me to.”
It’s part of the theme song forGilmore Girls, and I’m hoping it makes her laugh, but instead her body stills in my arms, and she pulls her head back enough to look up into my face. The skin around her eyes is puffy from crying, her cheeks wet and her nose dripping, but her vulnerability is beautiful to me. Again, I’m struck with a feeling of awe. Nicole trusts me enough to fall apart in front of me. I get to be the one who holds and comforts her. My heart expands in my chest and suddenly, I’m fighting back tears of my own.
“You would leave your job to follow me?” she asks, her eyes wide and dazed.
My instinct is to joke again, something about the two-body problem maybe, but I quash it. I know she needs my certainty right now, something she can hold on to. She has to know where she stands with me. She’s first. Always.
“Yes,” I say simply, looking into her eyes, the emerald color drowning in tears.
She ducks her head, wiping her face with the back of her hand. She looks at the floor.
“Why?” she asks in the smallest murmur of a voice.
I put my index finger under Nicole’s chin and gently lift her face toward mine. When I’m sure she’s focused on me, I say quietly, “Ilove you, Nicole. You’re it for me. I understand if you’re not there yet, but I’ve wanted this for so long, wanted you for so long, there’s no way I’d give you up now.”
