Page 42 of Purgatory
I wonder if we have popcorn...
She turns to me next. I try to keep my facial reaction neutral but can’t help but sit just a little bit straighter in my chair, daring her to say what I think she’s about to but hoping she doesn’t call my bluff.
“And I made out with Jax...”
The guys already know I kissed her. I admitted that to them the same night that it happened- when I caught her outside the perimeter fence- but she doesn’t know that and is confused by their less than outrageous reactions to the news. Until...
“Twice...”
KABOOM!
My eyebrows mimic Cole’s, rising as far as they can go. My mouth drops open as I look around the table to their reactions to the revelation. Cole and Hawk’s eyes are ping ponging between me and Alessandra and between each other. Speechless. You could hear an ant fart in this room with how quiet it is.
It isn’t until then that I realize I never actually told anyone about that night in my room. The night I succumbed to my nightmares once again and unconsciously lured herinto my room with one. One kiss is just that.Onekiss. A mistake made in the heat of the moment. Temporary lapse of judgement. But two? Two is the beginning of a pattern. One that I can’t deny. Even though I already said I wasn’t interested, this paints the picture that I most definitely am.
Regardless of what I said to Cole and Hawk that night, when I said I liked her but didn’t want to engage in an intimate relationship with her... yea... what a crock of shit.
I’ve been actively trying to distance myself from her. Keeping her at arms length. Keeping her safe. Keeping me sane. While the entire time I’ve just been lying to myself. Keeping my distance? I’ve been watching her at that distance even more closely than I had been previously ever since that declaration. Fuck, I’m surprised I haven’t pulled out my binoculars yet and stalked her window for how much I’ve been keeping an eye on her.
And what the fuck happened yesterday in the kitchen? A flour fight? A fucking flour fight...who the hellamI? I can’t do this. I could barely control myself, even to the point of almost letting myself go. After I brushed the flour off her nose it was all I could do to keep myself from taking her in my arms and kissing her face until her lips were swollen.
This isn’t good.
We had a good thing going for us before she arrived. The three of us worked so well together that we didn’t even need to discuss who needed to do what. It was just done. No crazy feelings to have to contend with. No past traumas reawakened. Just. Fucking. Routine.
Then,shecomes along and throws a monkey wrench in my attempt at inner peace. Can’t have inner peace when I’m constantly wrecked with anxiety because even though her clumsy, non-observant butt has been great at surviving, I have no ideahow. It’s fucking mind boggling. She’s like Mr. Magoo,wandering blindly through the world while all of the dangers and threats of the world simply pass her by.
I’ll be honest, though, it’s been nice having her around. She’s become a welcome addition to our crew, fitting in as if she’s always been there, helping out where needed and even offering where we don’t ask.
Like coming into my room in the middle of the night while I’m having a breakdown...
The nightmares have been worse since she came back. My lack of sleep isn’t exactly making me the nicest person to be around. To help combat my mood swings, I’ve been spending more time with Sadie and in the kitchen trying to release the demons that have laid siege on my brain. The counter currently covered in baked goods is proof enough.
I’m a naturally protective person. My family, my friends,my girlfriend...
The sudden thought of her tears the air from my lungs. But I can’t think about her right now so I shake the thought away and focus back on the drama unfolding before me.
Alessandra sinks further into her seat and covers her face with her hands as she groans into them. She speaks again, her hands muffling the sound a bit.
“I don’t know what happened. I had no intention of doing stuff with any of you. I mean, I thought about it but didn’t think it wouldactuallyhappen, and then you guys were there with your pelvic sorcery and general sexiness and I didn’t seem to stand a chance.”
She raises her hands in defeat and sighs but continues.
“I like all of you. Each of you. Individually and together. Cole, you took care of me in every way possible when I needed it. Hawk, you showed me beauty and passion in everything you see. And Jax, I know I’m, technically, on the outs with youand that’s fine but your soul speaks to mine, it surrounds me like that lake out back and it makes me want to dive in and submerge in you completely. I know you have some history and I’m willing to work around it but I can’t deny what I feel.” she sighs again.
This was what I was worried about. The inevitable connection. Bonding. It’s why I didn’t want to engage further with her and, instead, encouraged Hawk and Cole to pursue her. It’s why I need to control myself and hope that she loses interest. It’s why she’s not safe around me. No... I can’t go through it all again. Not again.
“Did you like it?” The question comes from Hawk.
“What?” Aly responds like a deer caught in the headlights.
“Did you like it? Being with each of us?”
She stops and thinks for a second, as if she doesn’t already know the answer, before she responds.
“Yes? You’re all really nice. And being here is a dream come true. But, now…fuck, this is all going to hell... I was a good girl, always got good grades, never crossed the lines, gave my parents nothing to worry about, and now I'm making out and screwing around with three different guys all within days of each other like a regular slut and--”
“But youlikedit?” The smirk on his face growing wider as the seconds tick past. The longer it takes her to answer and the redder the tint of her face gets.
