Page 43 of Purgatory
Chapter 28
Alessandra
I think for a second. Did I like it? The honest answer is, yes. Yes, I did. Am I upset or embarrassed or ashamed that I did stuff with each of them? Not at all. Well, I mean, at first… yea. I guess a little bit. Back before all of this, perception was everything. It’s drilled into you from an early age what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s accepted and what’s absolutely unacceptable. Social standards might say I should be ashamed but look at where we are now. There are no freaking social standards anymore so why should I let them dictate me and my happiness anyways. No, I liked it, A LOT. I don’t need to cower from how I feel.
Screw it. Honesty is the best policy...
“Yes, I liked it. And I like you.” I look up at each of them. No longer hiding behind social acceptance. “All of you.”
“Good.” Hawk nods
I huff a laugh and rise to my feet. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say? Good?” I raise my eyebrow at him in question.
He laughs back, not bothered at all by this. “I mean, yeah. Look, me and the guys have known each other a long time, and have been through entirely too much together. Hell, we’ve even cuddled in the field from time to time. Cold nights and all.” He smiles at the memory. “If you wanted to just be with one of us, that’s fine, we wouldn’t stand in your way if that’s thecase.” He comes closer, wrapping his hands around my waist. “But if you say you like all three of us... now that’s an intriguing development.”
I look to Cole and Jax, suddenly uneasy having Hawk hold me in front of him or Jax. While Cole looks content with the discussion, observant and amicable, Jax is a statue. Still and lacking any discernable emotions.
I know I surprised him earlier when I let the cat out of the bag and spoke of us making out twice, but it needed to be done. I also know this is an important topic that needs to be discussed between all of us. Whether he wants to be a part of it or not, he is.
These are his friends. His brothers. He’s as close to them as a person can be. Possibly even more so than I might ever hope to be and that’s important. He deserves a say. He deserves to be comfortable with the idea of us. And if he isn’t... well...
Cole’s face softens at me. “It’s fine with me. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. We just need to ensure that we each communicate openly and honestly throughout all of this. I’m sure we’re going to hit a few snags since this is new for all of us but as long as we’re honest with each other and don’t hold back anything, I'm sure we’ll be right as rain.”
Looking at Cole, he seems completely comfortable, tucking in at the table across from me and ready for dinner like this is a regular Sunday evening. Like talking about four-way hookups is regular conversation.
Sheesh, at this rate it will be...
I look over to Jax and see him looking down at his plate. Not eating, or even preparing to eat. Just staring down, eyebrows drawn, deep in thought again. He hasn’t said much during this confession session. In fact, he hasn’t said anything and it worries me. I wonder if he actuallyisok with all of this. With my being with each of them. With my refusal to choose.With my, hopefully, continuing to be with each of them. Or is he just putting on a brave face just to make the rest of us happy, even if it makes him miserable in the process?
I understand Jax has his issues. He voiced them pretty openly the other day when we spoke but I can’t help but wonder if he may eventually get passed it and move on. Hopefully with me.
The chemistry between us is there. In the passionate kisses he’s given me before pulling away abruptly. I see it in the way he looks at me. The hidden glances I catch that he tries to play off as something else. He doesn’t even have to be in the same room as me but I feel them. Those dark, observant eyes. Drawn to me. At random times throughout the day, I feel a weird sensation, a tight prickling at the back of my neck telling me that somewhere, someone is watching. Like a rabbit would feel when a wolf is hunting it. I feel the unique adrenaline rush he gives me. And I know he does too, even if it is reluctantly.
His words draw me back to the present. “Let’s table this discussion for another time. I spent the better part of the day preparing this meal and I’d rather not let it go cold.” He points his hand at the food as Hawk, Cole and I look at each other, returning to the dilemma that started this mess - where to sit? Cole is gracious enough to sit across from me, taking the high road and relinquishing the seat directly beside mine to his friend. Hawk and I take our seats and settle in. A few moments later, as I gaze across the table, I can see why Cole chose that particular seat. His foot captures mine, bringing it in between his legs and onto his lap. His hand falls on my ankle, his thumb lightly tracing the bone, letting butterflies loose from my stomach.
Not one to be one-upped, Hawk moves his chair closer to mine so he can rest his hand on my thigh. I say rest but what he’s really doing is caressing, stroking, squeezing. Like he just can’t stop touching and massaging my leg. By the look on hisface, it’s almost like it’s soothing to him. To be able to simply touch me because he can.
It makes me smile, as I look at the three of them. I thank Jax, again, for his time and effort on the meal and relay how delicious it is. I’m not even joking. He could be a chef. The man is talented.
Sadly, after everything we’ve expressed, the rest of dinner is eerily quiet. The atmosphere at the table having noticeably changed. It’s both tense and not. Like running down a steep hill. It’s easy to do, but one wrong move and you’re careening to the bottom in a mess of limbs and profanity.
It’s confusing.
Normally, we’d talk about our day, things to look out for on the next supply run, tell stories about memories long since passed. Not tonight though. My revelation seems to have stolen their will to speak, which, for some reason, makes me considerably nervous about everything.
On the one hand, Cole and Hawk say that they’re happy with the arrangement and its potential. But are they really? Could jealousy turn into animosity? Could this possibly blow up in all our faces? Could my being here ruin what they had? Is it worth it? AmIworth it? It makes me wonder if they’ll eventually reevaluate my being here, cut their losses, think for the better and simply cast me out.
The feeling of being unwanted or unworthy, however, comes and goes as quickly as it arrives as Hawk takes my hand in his under the table and Cole nudges my feet again. They must have sensed my apprehension and reacted, reassuring me with their subtle movements, which makes me appreciate them all the more.
I think back to what Cole had said about open and honest communication. He’s absolutely right. I can’t hold anything in anymore. Not my insecurities. Not how I feel about them. No.If this is to work, I need to believe in them and in myself. Believe that we can handle this and anything that gets thrown at us, together. Well... sort of...
Jax hasn’t even looked at me since we started eating. Before tonight, he would at least steal a glance at me. Even yesterday seemed like we were making progress. He was fun, playful even. Tonight, however, it’s like he’s actively avoiding my gaze. The plate in front of him becoming the most interesting thing in the room. The only time his attention becomes diverted is when his dog, Sadie, brushes up against him. She’s a good pup, but I know, from my time being here so far, that she does that to settle his anxiety.
We finish our meals and Hawk goes about clearing the dishes while Cole and myself clean them in the sink. Jax leaves as soon as the table is clean, walking in the direction of the stairs and presumably up to his room. I look in the direction he went and make a mental note to meet with him. His anxiety becoming my own.
While I know Hawk and Cole said they’re all ok with the way things have turned out, Jax’s reaction makes me think otherwise. And actions speak louder than words. He’s not acting indifferent to the situation. That would mean he would still be able to talk about it. Let us know he’s ok with it. That it doesn’t bother him and to continue what we’re doing. Like Cole said – communicate. His silence on the matter, however, speaks volumes. The precipice of a scowl on his face isn’t helping my perception either. It’s almost like he’s upset to learn that I was with the others and not him even though he’s made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to pursue anything further with me. The whole dynamic is still confusing as hell and I need to clear the air with Jax and make sure that we’re on the same page before it all comes crumbling down around us.
Chapter 29
