Page 55 of Purgatory
“What the fuck? What happened to all of the canned ravioli? The instant rice? The giant fucking box of ramen?!” I turn in a circle, arms held out in a questioning stance. This pantry was full. Wejuststocked it after our last trip to the town a few weeks ago. Who ate all the damn food?
“Yea, um, Aly’s been stress eating. Thought it might help her deal with everything that happened. Plus, she was on her period and gave me the evil eye when I almost asked about the third package of cookies she was carting up to her room, so, yea, I didn’t try stop her...” Hawk says from behind me looking like a kid that was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “No sir... I choose life.”
“Ok... let’s check the fridge.” I try to remain calm but my slightly annoyed tone comes through anyway. Who the hell let’s someone eat everything in sight without the slightest ambition to say, “hey, I think we should ration, you know, just a little bit, seeing as we’re stuck here for the foreseeablefuture!?” But I get it. I’m just as guilty. I saw her hauling up some pudding cups at one point a few days ago and didn’t open my mouth either. I know better than to poke the bear. So, I can’t fault Hawk for having the same mind set. I just didn’t think it wasthisbad.
We exit the pantry, and I take a deep breath to calm my frustrated nerves as I round the corner to check out the fridge. There’s never really anything in there since we cook fresh so often, so I’m not exactly sure why I check it, since I’m pretty positive it’s most definitely empty. Old habits really do die hard. I open the door and it, too, is looking sparse. A few bottles of condiments and not much else.
Fuck, we’re in bad shape.
I turn and close the door. Surveying the kitchen and all of our options. “Ok. Let’s think about this. We, practically, live on a farm. Jax designed and engineered this place to survive the fucking apocalypse. Self-sustainability and all that.” I point to the counter and move to stand in front of it. “We have at least a bushel of apples here; Lettuce, cucumbers and tomatoes, plenty for salads; There’s shit in the pantry and enough cookbooks on the shelf to help us get our heads out of our asses and figure out how the hell Jax makes bread. Boom. Dinner.” I wave my hands in front of me in a Ta-Da fashion and smile to Hawk.
He pats me on the shoulder, grinning wide, saying, “And that’s why we keep you around, Alfred.”
I drop my smile and roll my eyes. Fuck me... he’s right. IamAlfred.
∞∞∞
After fumbling around the kitchen like jackasses for nearly two hours, we manage to produce a decent little medley for dinner. The bread is misshapen and the apple pie we tried to make looks more like apple sauce but it’ll do. The salad, however, is fucking perfect. It’s not fancy and it’s not much but it’s healthy and definitely better than nothing.
I call up to Aly, letting her know that dinner is ready. Even though Jax’s absence has probably ruined her appetite for the night, she deserves and should have a proper meal, however meager it may be, followed by an abundance of TLC, which myself and Hawk are more than happy to provide. A few minutes go by and Aly still hasn’t come down. I suspect she may be sleeping and simply didn’t hear me so I take a walk up the stairs to check on her, leaving Hawk to finish plating and setting the table. Moving to her door, I step up to it and knock lightly.
“Aly?”
Nothing. I knock a little louder.
“Aly, it’s Cole. Dinner’s ready. Are you hungry? I can bring some up to you, if you didn't want to hang out tonight.”
Still no answer. It’s not like Aly to simply ignore any of us, regardless of how she is feeling. Even in the earlier days of Jax’s absence, Aly still joined us for dinner. Even if she just nibbled on bits and pieces before sliding her plate away, she still made a point to be present. Plus, there’s this odd sense that something is off and I never ignore a gut feeling. Set to my purpose, I open the door and look around.
The bed is empty and made. I remember back to when we first met and look to the closet where the door hangs open. Nothing. She's not here. I make a mental checklist of places she could be and start to work my way through them. I lean out the door to look across the hallway. She’s not in the bathroomeither. I go to Jax’s room next. She's been obviously upset and agitated by Jax leaving the way he did. Maybe she sought comfort amongst his things instead?
I open his door. Still no Aly but his window is open for some reason. It hasn’t been open since we all came in during his episode. A sudden burst of clarity hits me like a freight train and I run back to Aly’s room. I knew she was off. I knew Jax’s absence was affecting her more today than usual, but not to this extent. We were fools.
Coming up here was a distraction. Meant to placate us into thinking she was taking some time to gather her thoughts and settle, exactly what we’d hoped she’d do, when her real purpose was entirely different. How could we be so stupid. Aly wouldn’t give in that easily. Damn stubborn woman. We know this but both Hawk and I refused to acknowledge what was staring us right in our faces.
I continue to rummage through Aly’s things. Searching. Hoping I’m wrong in my assumption. In the back of my mind, I know there’s no hope, though. She’s too headstrong to come to terms with how Jax settles things. I can’t find her bag or her bat anywhere and I know for a fact I saw her bring them upstairs with her earlier. I didn’t even think anything of it. I missed all of the signs.Wemissed all of the signs.
“Fuck me...” I sigh as I sink down, my back against the wall, my head in my hands. Defeated that I let her down when she needed us most. After a few breaths, I release my face and take a somber look at Aly’s room. A glimpse of white catches my eye just under the corner of her bed. I crawl on my hands and knees to retrieve it, pick it up and flip it over. My breath catches in an instant.
To my guardian angels,
I’m assuming since you’ve found my message, you now realize that I’ve left. I’m not sure if or when I will be able to comeback, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you but I just can’t live with myself after what happened with Jax. I know he’s in pain, and part of that pain is because of me. But I have to know. I have to make sure that he’s ok and safe where he is. You told me that he had another place he could go to that was full of supplies and that he needs space but I have to see him. I know I just met you all but it’s like a part of this house is missing. A part ofmeis missing and I can't continue on like this.
I care deeply for you both. But I've come to realize I care for him as well, just as deeply as I care for each of you. If you can understand, deep down, what that truly means, then you’ll understand why I had to go. AndwhatI need to tell him.
I can’t leave him out there to face everything on his own. I can’t live with myself knowing that it was my fault he left. And I can’t let myself continue on as if nothing is wrong, when everything is. I love you both. But I love him as well. And I'm going to get him back to us. One way or another.
I pray that I make it to him and we return safely, but if that’s not the case, know that I have been deliriously happy with the time I was able to have with each of you. And I will love you all, ‘til the end.
XOXO - Aly
“Oh my God...” I say to myself as I stand up and stumble out of Aly’s room. I practically fall down the stairs in my haste to reach Hawk. “OH MY GOD! HAWK!!”
He turns the corner and stares at me, confused at my state. “Hey, bro, what’s up?” He looks behind me. “Aly not feeling up for dinner?”
I can barely speak the words so I simply lift the note and hand it to him. He takes a minute to read it then looks up at me with a scowl taking over his face.
“No fucking way.” He pushes the note into my chest and charges up the stairs past me as I follow him.
