Page 38 of Finding Haven
Fuck. How can a woman so much younger than me see me the way she does?
I drop the strand of hair and wrap my arm around her shoulder, holding her to me and pulling strength from the feeling of her body pressed tight against mine. “I used to be a police officer. I was only with the Hartridge PD for a few years. My dad and grandfather were both officers, so… it just felt like what I was meant to do. I joined as soon as I could.”
Her hand moves to my chest, resting between the hard planes of my pecs. She doesn’t say anything, and her silence gives me the courage to continue.
“For a while, I got so lost in what I thought I should be doing, in the life I thought I was supposed to be living, that I never stopped to think about whether or not it was even the life I wanted.” My breath shudders with the last few words. I spoke faster than I had intended, desperate to get the words out.
“What happened?” she asks gently, her thumb stroking over my skin.
Visions of Ryan trying to coax the stranger down flood my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose as I fight back the moisture building behind my eyes. You would think that after years of living with these haunting memories, I wouldn’t be so caught off guard when they come rushing to the surface. Maybe I should have taken the time to speak to a professional, someone who could help me work through the trauma and find my way through the darkness without it becoming a debilitating factor in my life.
I feel Quinn's body shift beside me before her warm palm cups the side of my face. “Zack,” she murmurs.
Tears threaten to brim my eyes at her gentle tone. She’s soft and caring in a way I’ve never known. She’s not touching me or speaking to me like she thinks I’m weak. She’s touching me like she’s trying to lend me her strength, as if it could possibly flow from her body into mine.
“You don’t have to tell me, but whatever it is, I’m here for you, Z.” Her thumb strokes across my cheekbone. When I open my eyes to meet hers, I find only warmth and compassion shining back at me. Nothing about the way she’s looking at me feels cruel or judgmental. A single tear slips from the corner of my eye, and her gaze darts to it. She gently swipes it away before she leans down to press her lips to my cheek over the tear’s path. “Babe… Let me help you carry this,” she soothes.
“I couldn’t—” I inhale sharply, trying to force the words from my lips. “I couldn’t save him,” I choke out, the words like bile rising in my throat. My chest constricts with an all too familiar pressure. It feels like a vice is wrapped around my body, squeezing tighter and tighter until the breath is stolen from my lungs, leaving me gasping for air.
I’m vaguely aware of Quinn grabbing my hand and pulling me up into a seated position against the headboard. She swings a leg over my waist, straddling me as she settles her weight in my lap and wraps her arms around my shoulders. One of her hands rests on the back of my head, her fingers combing through my thick dark hair as she presses my face into the crook of her shoulder. “I’ve got you, Zack,” she says softly.
She doesn’t tell me it’s okay or say everything will be all right. She simply lends me her strength and gives me a safe place to break.
And break, I do.
The tension building behind my eyes finally gives way as a sob breaks free, leaving me trembling as my arms wrap around her and pull her against me. Her arms tighten, and the added pressure brings me a sense of comfort as the shadows take hold.
29
Zack
Thesunisjustbeginning to paint the morning sky in vibrant colors, and my mind is no calmer now than it was when I woke up with her in my bed. I thought that I could run from my demons here on the sand during the early hours of the day when most of the city is still asleep, but the harder I run, the louder they seem to get.
Quinn looked at me last night like she saw me. Her fingertips had traced over the scars across my back with such care. The ones that hold memories of abuse and broken glass. She didn’t ask where they came from, but the emotion shining in her eyes when I met her gaze told me that if I ever wanted to tell her, she would be there to listen without judgment.
I hadn’t planned on telling her about Ryan yet, but when she asked what prompted me to move to Haven Beach, losing him was the first thought that came to mind. I didn’t go into detail, but merely uttering that I couldn’t save him brought forth so much emotion, there was no way for me to shove it down. When I finally allowed myself to break and fall apart in her arms, she held on to me with such love and empathy. She made me feel safe in a way no other woman ever has.
Funny how the feeling of safety is what had me quietly climbing out of bed, my heart thumping in my chest as I got dressed in a t-shirt, athletic shorts, and running shoes.
My feet kick up sand as I push my body to move faster, sweat clinging to the thin material of my shirt as my lungs burn from the exertion that running on the beach provides.
I don’t have it in me to think of last night as a mistake, I just don’t know if I’m ready for what will come with letting her see through the guarded version of myself I keep so close to the surface. To see the wreckage that lies beneath.
But I think I want to be.
If I could be ready to bring my walls down and let anyone in, it would be Quinn. We may have met in an unconventional way, but she’s already become the most important person in my world. I want to work towards truly building a life with her, but in order to do that, I need her to know about all of the shattered pieces of my soul. I need her to know what she’s signing up for.
If my past has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not an easy man to love. But easy or not, I want to be a man worthy of love.
I want to be worthy ofherlove.
The house is quiet when I make it back from my run, and a smile spreads across my face at the idea of finding Quinn still asleep in my bed. I made sure to leave her a note letting her know I was going for a run and would be back soon, just in case she woke up while I was out. Thelast thing I wanted was for her to wake up, find me gone, and think that I abandoned her. I may have been having a moment of panic, but all I needed was to get my head on straight.
I slip my shoes off at the sliding glass door, leaving them outside to avoid tracking sand into the house, and make my way upstairs. Quinn is right where I left her. She’s lying on her back with her hair fanned out around her in a golden halo, one arm thrown over her eyes while the other rests at her side.
Tasting her again and finally being inside of her last night was incredible. She makes me fucking insatiable, and the thought of waking her up with my mouth on that pretty pink pussy of hers has my cock stirring behind the thin fabric of my shorts. A smirk tugs at the corner of my lips as the idea takes hold. I just need to get cleaned up in the shower before I crawl into bed and coax her awake.
I shed my clothes and toss them into the hamper before stepping into the shower, making quick work of washing away the sand and sweat. I complete the process in record time and take a minute to run a towel over my body and through my hair.
