Page 102 of Hold Me Instead
“Basically, it’s difficulty with penetration. There’s immense pain, a burning that, no matter what you hear, isnotnormal to experience—it shouldnotbring you to tears from pain any time you try to put a tampon in, or even a finger. If anything, you want to cry from happiness. Or pleasure. Anyway.” She waved her hand to move forward. “Some women have it so bad that sitting is too painful, or clothing rubbing against them is awful. I fortunately didn’t have it like that. But for the longest time, I couldn’t get anything in. It amped up my anxiety, and it became this snowball effect, where my mind knew there was pain—not this made up pain that some doctors like to pin on women as if we were still in the 1950s—so fear added this extra layer to any attempt at figuring things out. I was just…lost. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. My mom and I don’t talk about sex. All my friends started talking about tampons, and by the time they were having sex, it felt too late to bring anything up. I was extremely embarrassed. I didn’t know what was going on or who to turn to. No one talked about issues like that, at least, not in my circle of friends.”
Her breaths were heavy. “This is way more information than I planned on saying. Almost feels like I’m giving excuses for why I’m… I’ve hardly told anyone this yet. Maybe that’s obvious. Feels like it might be.” She swallowed.
“It’s okay,” Zachary said softly.
She gave a firm nod. “Eventually, I found a doctor who knew what I was talking about. She was amazing, took extra time and care with me, referred me to this amazing physical therapist who does pelvic floor therapy. It took some time for me to trust her, but she’s been awesome. It started small, but I’ve made a lot of progress. The pain is almost gone. I’ve been working through layers and layers of protection I’ve built aroundmyself, and that’s not something that can be rushed, you know? I’ve carried it with me my whole life.”
Zachary pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist. She reached out her other hand and brushed his cheek with her fingers, keeping her focus there as she avoided his eyes.
“What I’m trying to say is,” she said softly, “I haven’t slept with anyone before. I mean, I’m not completely innocent.” She forced a wink. “My ex and I tried various things, but I haven’t really dated much since then. Nothing serious. Nothing that really got physical.”
“How was your ex with all this?” Zachary asked, his voice low.
“Um.” She pressed her lips together. “I didn’t really understand what was going on at the time. Neither one of us did. But he was far from being the right partner while I figured it out.”
Zachary’s grip tightened on her hand. “I don’t want you to feel pressured, Charlie. You’re in control here. This is…well, it’s a lot.”
She sank back against the couch. “Did I scare you off?” Her tone was light, her attempt to be playful about a topic that had ruled her life in all too serious a manner.
“What? No.” Zachary scooted closer. “I’m here with you because it’s the only place I want to be, not because I want to get you naked.” He paused, picking at the blanket. “Okay, full disclosure, I’ve thought about you naked plenty of times.”
She smiled. “Same.”
His eyes locked on hers. “Yeah?” He grinned, his focus trailing to her mouth, then back up to her eyes. “You pretty much pawed your way under my skin, Harris. I don’t know how, it’s like you burrowed in and took over.” He patted his chest softly as he spoke. Swallowed hard. “Like it’s been your spot all along.”
Her heart flipped. His analogy hit home, the comfort she felt with him the only reason she’d divulged everything she had. She pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. His hand slid up to her face, cradling her jaw, and he kissed her tenderly.
When his fingers slipped into her hair, a tingle shivered down her spine, and Charlie was reignited. The weight of the conversation was off her chest. She didn’t want it to rule her anymore, and that started immediately. It wasn’t going to stop them from enjoying each other—as much as her body and mind would allow. With how turned on she was, both were clearly on board.
Mouths locked, Charlie clambered onto her knees and straddled Zachary. Her hands gripped his shoulders as she set herself down, their lips slipping and searching fervently with the movement.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Zachary said, pulling his mouth from hers.
She trailed her kisses down his neck and settled her body lower on his lap, feeling him harden beneath her.
“Harris, baby.” He held her away from him, then touched her cheek. “Charlie. We don’t have to do anything tonight. Really.”
She pressed a kiss to his nose, then whispered, “I thought you were following my lead?”
He shivered, and she grinned.
“Yes, but you just unloaded a whole ton of heavy shit. Don’t you need a minute, or a night, or…something?”
She shook her head, then gasped. “I’m sorry, doyou?”
“No.” He sighed as she continued her kiss trail, and when she bit his earlobe, it earned her a groan.
She breathed into his neck. “I don’t want it to overrule what we had going. Like I said, I’ve made a lot of progress. I just wanted you to knowthat I couldn’t just spread my legs and say, ‘Put it in me.’ Much as I might want to.”
He snorted. “Jesus.”
“I’ve had orgasms.”
He clenched his jaw.
“I really like them.”
He cursed softly.
