Page 18 of Hold Me Instead
“And the dilators?”
Charlie nodded. Those good old dilators, solid plastic for clinical work. “Much better since the Botox.”
Ali’s blue eyes sparkled with a bright smile. “Wonderful to hear,” she said, jotting more notes. She set aside her file, rolled the sleeves of her checkered knit sweater up her fair skin, and reached for the massage cream.
Charlie watched Ali’s methodical work on her inner thighs.
“Take a moment, relax a little. You feel a little tight,” Ali said. “You okay?”
Charlie released a breath. “Stress at work.”
“Ah.” Ali waited another moment, checked again. “Okay, that’s better.” She worked on the muscles, then reached for an exam glove. “Alright, let’s check the tissues.” With her gloved index finger covered in lubricant, Ali carefully inserted the digit into Charlie’s vaginal opening. She probed and stretched the tissues inside, holding a spot where Charlie felt a hint of that telltale burning pain.
“Do you usually start manually?” Morganasked.
“Depends on the patient and where they’re at,” Ali said. “Charlie’s come a long way. Since she’s jumped to such a large dilator size, this works best for her.”
Each person is different, all her therapists reminded her.
Charlie swallowed. “My very first appointment, Ali couldn’t even insert her pinky because the pain was so intense.”
“Really? Wow, you’ve made so much progress,” Morgan said kindly.
Charlie had tried a number of different doctors over the years, her hope fading with each one, until she’d finally found a gynecologist who not only knew what she was struggling with—that it wasn’t merelyin her head—but also knew how to help. No penetration of any kind could happen at that point, tampons included. Once all her friends had started using them, it had seemed like a rite of passage, a sign of being older and mature. Going through high school without being able to offer a tampon to a friend, or sneaking a pad into the bathroom and tucking used ones low in the garbage can, had added a thick layer of embarrassment. As an adult, she knew people had their preferences. But she’d at least wanted to have a choice.
Now here she was, having worked her way through four dilator sizes that could be inserted relatively pain-free.
“Tissues feel great.” Ali had switched to the dilator without Charlie batting an eye, which was a major improvement.
“Awesome,” Charlie murmured.
“She had a muscle that moved and blocked anything from entering,” Ali explained to Morgan. “This follow-up is soon after the Botox injection, but I’m not feeling the wall.”
Thank God.“You know, my OB said it happened even when they put me under for the injection,” Charlie said.
“Oh, wow,” Morgan said.
That day had been a struggle for many reasons, especially in securing Amber’s older sister as her driver while only divulging she was having a procedure with anesthesia. Brooke was oddly distracted that day as it was, so somehow, the stars had aligned and bought Charlie time. She hadn’t talked to Brooke much since.
That next day, Daniel had experienced his heart attack.
“You’ve mademajorstrides,” Ali said, putting everything away. “Keep up with those stretches, your dilator work. Keep doing what you’re doing. And work on here.” Ali tapped her own forehead. “When you’re ready to take that step, you’ll know.”
Charlie nodded, the words familiar, sinking in a little more than last time. “Thanks, Ali.”
Ali gave her a small wave as she left.
“Nice to meet you,” Morgan and Charlie said at the same time. They smiled, and as the door closed, Charlie released another breath.
She was close, she knew it. She’d been chipping away at the emotional and mental struggles that accompanied the physical, each little step unlocking when it was ready. It felt like the final thing was the anxiety surrounding her condition, to release the fear of an intimate relationship.
One day, the objective Charlie would overpower the subjective. One day, she could move past what she lost with her ex, the man who made her believe any sort of healthy and mutual intimate relationship wasn’t in the cards for her. A man who worked around her physical condition for his own satisfaction, instead of workingwithher to show he cared. He hadn’t cared, not really.
After years of working through this, Charlie knew her vaginismus didn’t define her. Instead, she had to believe it made her stronger.
Chapter 6
Zachary
