Page 65 of Hold Me Instead
“I opted for reconstructive surgery, a smaller cup size than I’d been…before. I’ve had two surgeries since. The implants kept shifting, so then I had them removed altogether.” She shrugged, finally looking at Charlie. “I had my last surgery about four months before I moved here. My physical therapy had been going well, but I guess I aggravated it carrying things around the shop.” She glanced around, wincing. “That helped put me behind schedule, actually, I overdid it. Anyway, my PT back in California helped me find one nearby.”
“Wow. Magnolia, I’m so sorry,” Charlie said.
She gave her a small smile. “Felt weird not to tell you after this morning. I hadn’t intentionally kept it from you all, it’s just…” She bit her lip. “I went from trying to stand out among the praising of my older sister and the coddling of my younger sister, to having way more attention than I could handle. I’m talking, like, somehow my whole family knew what I ate each day type of involvement. Being in a small town where we pretty much knew everybody meant all our neighbors weighed in too. It was refreshing coming here, kind of finding a bit of me again. From before. If my boss hadn’t planned on opening this location where she grew up, I would’ve moved somewhere else eventually.” She swallowed, blinking her eyes rapidly as she picked the white cloth off the table and turned toward the stand-alone, brick bar counter she had thrifted and repurposed as a checkout station. “Anyway. That’s that. I’ll tell the others, too, but you’re the lucky first.” She turned to wink, her movements a little jerky.
“Magnolia, I’m sorry. I hope you didn’t feel obligated.”
“It feels good to share, actually. It’s part of me, I’m not ashamed of it.”
Not ashamed of it. Charlie stared at the jar in her hands, twisting the lid back and forth. To be able to acknowledge it like that, to own it, was something Charlie hadn’t even allowed herself to consider. It seemed far from possible, after burying it so deep in high school. She didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, or at least, that’s what she’d thought. What if she simply shared it? Like Magnolia?
“I’ve been going to PT for a few years now, but no one else knows,” Charlie said softly.
Magnolia moved closer and squatted down to meet her at eye level. “Hey, same thing to you—just because I shared, doesn’t mean you have to.”
Charlie swallowed. “Is it okay if I do?”
“Oh God, yes, ofcourse.” Magnolia sat on the ground, crossed her legs.
Charlie let out a shaky breath. “I’ve been seeing Ali there for pelvic floor therapy. For vaginismus. As far as we know, it’s something I’ve always had, compounded by stressors and anxiety and all that. I say that because some women experience issues after surgeries or injuries, physical traumas, that sort of thing.” She swallowed, her heart pounding in her throat, speeding up her words. “I had extreme pain, with no form of penetration allowed, even a tampon. I didn’t really know what was going on for years, and I went from doctor to doctor until I finally found someone who knew what I was talking about, who wasn’t just going to prescribe me medication and move on, and recognized that it wasn’t all ‘in my head.’ Once I finally found her, I was referred to a PT, and a therapist who was familiar with it as well. These last few years have been pretty intensive in going through it all and so… Yeah.” She said the words in a rush.
“Damn. That sucks, Charlie. I’m sorry. That’s had to make romantic relationships pretty difficult. Or even scary?”
“Yes,” Charlie choked. “How do you explain that to someone, when that’s such a major part? Hard to get past feeling like something’s wrong with me.”
Magnolia’s eyes welled, her nods slight. She rushed onto her knees, wrapping Charlie in a hug.
Neither of them made a sound, but Charlie felt the force of Magnolia’s tears match her own, their breath hitching as they held tight.
“I know that feeling well,” Magnolia whispered. She pulled back, swiping at her cheeks. “The others don’t know?”
Charlie shook her head and wiped tears off her glasses. “No.”
Magnolia tilted her head. “Not even Amber?” she asked softly.
“No, I haven’t been able to bring myself to admit it, beyond my therapist. And now you.”
She squeezed Charlie’s hand. “I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”
Charlie squeezed hers in return. “Thanks. Same.”
Magnolia stood and cleared her throat. “I think we deserve to wrap this up and get something delicious.”
That brought a genuine smile to Charlie’s face. “You know the way to my heart.”
Chapter 18
Charlie
Charliehunchedoverherdesk, busying herself with files for the day’s lineup. Soft footsteps carried down the hall as techs prepped for morning appointments, but the nudge of a wet nose against her hip pulled her focus.
“Maple, sweet girl, how are you?” She crimped the old pup’s soft, floppy ear and received a lick on the wrist. Greeting complete, Maple curled up next to Zachary’s desk.
Zachary’s desk.When had it switched to that?
Dark gray tennis shoes came into view. Charlie’s eyes traveled up the long legs and torso to find a clean-shaven Zachary. He pulled on his jacket, the muscles of his forearms twisting as he flipped it over his back. She followed the motion of his hands as he adjusted the strap of his watch, his long fingers moving with swift and gentle motions. That same hand moved up and passed through his hair, which was when she noticed him watching from the corner of his eyes.
The night before, she’d basically revealed she’d thought about him in a boyfriend sense, imagining what type of person she pictured for him. Breathing room was important to get her head on straight. It couldn’t start now, not with him calling to ask that she cover him while he helped with his dad.
