Page 89 of Hold Me Instead
Charlie bit the inside of her cheek, glancing away. “I can’t just do that,” she said quietly.
“Yeah, I know, that’s not your style. Totally get it,” Amber said, squeezing her arm.
“No, I mean.” Charlie took a breath. “Physically. I can’t just go and do that.”
Amber was silent, her eyes searching Charlie’s as Toothless walked across their laps.
“Wait. Charlie. Are you…?” Amber shifted, the crease between her brows deepening. “Are you still a virgin?”
“Well, technically, yes.”
“Oh.Oh, shit. Wow, okay, yeah, I didn’t know.”
“That’s not the whole deal, though.”
“I’m confused.”
Charlie huffed out a laugh. She gave Amber a rundown, similar to her conversation with Magnolia. She let her talk, listening quietly.
When Charlie stopped, Amber said softly, “I had no idea.”
She shrugged. “How could you? I never told you.”
“Why?”
“It got to this point where…everyone had gone well beyond tampons and losing their virginity. I thought by college, I’d have some answers. When I didn’t, it became too difficult to bring it up.” She blew out a breath. “I was extremely embarrassed.”
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about—”
“Try thinking that when everyone around you is talking about getting laid, hooking up with strangers, trying new positions, or kinky things with their boyfriends.” Charlie shook her head. “It made me feeldumbsomehow. Naive. Like I couldn’t chime in about anything because I didn’t have the experience. No one ever talked about having pain that never went away or being unable to stickanythingin. I felt very alone, like something was wrong with me. Bringing it up to someone I’m interested in is the last thing I want to do. Even Bobby couldn’t wrap his head around it.”
“What did that asshole say?”
Charlie waved her hand. “He got tired of us not really progressing. We did other stuff, but I had a hard time even being in the mood. I mean, he was more concerned with getting off, anyway. Said I was a tease for having wants and desires but then being too nervous to follow through. Made me feel guilty if I didn’t participate, that he couldn’t do it solo for religious reasons…”
“Motherfucker.” Amber tapped the armrest. “We tell each other everything.”
“We did. When we were younger.”
“We still do.”
“Amber, it’s not like it used to be.”
Amber crossed her arms and looked away from Charlie, no doubt thinking of her own mother. How much she’d pulled away once she’d passed.
“All those times I talked about hooking up with guys…” Amber shook her head. “You must’ve hated me.”
Charlie reared back slightly. “Hated you? Why?”
“It was like throwing it in your face. Taunting you.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“I would’ve.”
Charlie smirked. “No you wouldn’t.”
Amber sighed. “You think too highly of me sometimes.”
