Page 90 of Hold Me Instead
Charlie snorted.
Eyes pinched with worry, Amber leaned closer. “Is it hard to talk to me about stuff?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just…I’ve had a hard time processing it. And accepting it myself. It’s been me and my doctors, which kept it in this strange little bubble. Telling Magnolia was the first time I felt like I was actually admitting it aloud.”
Amber leaned back. “You told Magnolia?”
“Only recently. She happened to see me,” Charlie fumbled, not wanting to reveal anything of Magnolia’s before she did. “It just sort of came out. I think it bubbled to the surface or something.”
“We hardly know Magnolia.”
“Come on, that’s not true. She fit in immediately, like we’d known her forever, you even said that yourself. Why would we all have been helping her with the shop this whole time?”
“Still.”
Charlie rubbed her forehead. “That doesn’t matter.”
“Maybe not to you.”
“Look, I’m still figuring out how to process all this. How to not feel embarrassed, to be able to say the words to people close to me. To try and not worry about what people will think, like my therapist says, even though all I can do is spin my wheels with ways people won’t understand or will tell me it’s not real, when it’s beenvery real, and for most of mylife! And to top it off, I’m wild about this amazing guy, and I haveno cluehow to talk to him about this because the last time it came up for me, the relationship didn’t go too well. How do you tell someone you want to be with them inall the ways, and then add on that you’re broken? That…you feel like your value is somehow less as a person, and a partner? What if I’m…what if it’s not worth the effort to him, and the patience, and he wants to leave?”
Charlie’s voice shook. Her frantic eyes found her cousin’s, Amber’s glistening with tears.
“Is that how you feel? Like you’re…broken?” Amber finally asked.
All Charlie could do was nod. Amber launched herself forward, wrapping her arms tight around Charlie, crying with her. This time, Charlie’s tears came out in sobs, the force of them racking her body. Amber squeezed her tighter, whispering over and over again that she had her, that it would be okay.
It shocked Charlie to realize that this time, she believed it would be.
Chapter 26
Zachary
“Jeanie,forthelasttime, I’m fine,” Daniel grumbled from the passenger seat.
Zachary’s mom held up her hands as she sat back in her seat behind him, surrounded by their two dogs and Maple. “We have a lot to be thankful for, Daniel. I’d like us to look our best.”
“This is as good as it’s gonna get.” Daniel huffed, pulling the end of his flannel shirt over his sweats. “Probably putting on my sweatshirt as soon as we get there anyway. Always freezing in their house,” he grumbled.
Zachary felt for the man, even though words between them were limited. He also knew his mom was fretting because she wanted this gathering to feel as normal as possible, but his dad going at all was effort enough.
His dad’s eyes were heavy with exhaustion, a detail Zachary glimpsed before his father turned his face toward the passenger window.
“Mom, it smells like the entire dinner in here,” Zachary said. “I’m surprised the dogs aren’t going crazy.”
“Oh,” came her simple reply.
He glanced in the rearview to find her holding food in her hand, breaking off little pieces at a time for each dog in turn. Maple wastucked to her side on the bench seat, and his parents’ boxer and yellow lab were behind them, stretching their heads around the head rests. He shook his head with a chuckle, careful not to draw his father’s attention. Feeding table scraps had been an argument their entire marriage, Daniel constantly concerned about the dogs’ diets, and Jeanie constantly concerned about their happiness.
She bit her lip, fighting a grin. Her bob looked chic, her makeup brightening her face.
“What all did you make?” Zachary prompted.
She winked. “Oh just a few things. Cheesy corn casserole, sweet potatoes, this new squash recipe Maura told me about—it smells amazing—and sweet red-bean soup. I also picked up a cooked turkey this year.”
“That’s a lot,” Zachary said. His dad grunted in agreement.
“No, no. Sandra and Jay made the roasted duck, mashed potatoes, oyster stuffing, and sticky rice dumplings. And other desserts.”
