Page 17 of Surface Scratch
He jerked his arm away from Marcus’s hand, then, much to his own surprise, tried to shove the man back. Marcus didn’t budge. “Not until you tell me,” he snapped. “Just say it already. Say it so I can stop thinking about you and get back to my miserable fucking life, okay? Say you wouldn’t be caught dead with me. Say I’m sad and pathetic and a fucking loser and you want nothing to do with me.”
“No.”
Caleb saw red. The way Marcus said it was so… sad and pained. His skin felt like it was on fire and a sharp pain throbbed behind his forehead, replacing whatever remained of his dull hangover headache.
A fraction of hesitation caught on his lips as he continued, “W-what is it then? You want to fuck me but don’t want to be seen with me? Am I too ugly for you? To ugly to be seen with? I know what I look like, so just fucking say it!”
He had reached out to push Marcus again, wanting to goad him into a response, but Marcus’s eyes locked on his and he felt all the heat and rage and color drain from his face in an instant. Amber irises stared through him, somehow even brighter and more intense against the black color that had replaced the whites of Marcus’s eyes. Caleb’s head felt impossibly light, as if he were going to fall asleep standing up, and he blinked as hard as he could. His eyes had to be playing tricks on him.
He heard the door behind him slam right before the wind was knocked out of him, his eyes still shut. Caleb cried out as he slammed into something hard, his arm twisted behind his back and held in place by a soft hand with a gentle but unbreakable grip. Another hand was around his throat and jaw. Marcus pressed his body against Caleb’s back, pinning him with his cheek mashed into the cool brick wall of the office. He tried to pull in a shaky breath, feeling like he was breathing through a straw and tried to turn his head. The fingers tightened around his throat, not enough to cut off his oxygen, but enough to draw another pained sound from him.
“Of course I want to fuck you,” Marcus hissed into his ear, his voice low and ragged. “But God dammit, Caleb, I’m trying to keep you safe and you’re making it very fucking difficult!”
Caleb’s eyes widened and his stomach did a somersault. Every one of his senses seemed to amplify in that moment. The smell of cigarettes and cologne cut through the remnants of his anger and shock, the tingling over every inch of his back where Marcus was pressed against him, the cool breath exhaling over the side of his face, and Marcus’s lips pressed to his ear, stirring an arousal he didn’t know how interpret in such a vulnerable position.
“Every person who has ever gotten close to me has ended up dead or worse. I don’t want that to happen to you,” Marcus said, his voice softening with each word he spoke. “Please… you need to stay away from me, for your own safety.”
Caleb felt Marcus’s hands fall away from his arm and throat. He wiped his sleeve across his cheeks and down his chin, clearing away the tears that had begun to dry on his face as he stared at the white wall in front of him. He’d never pegged Marcus as the type to put his hands on someone else.
Then again, what had he been expecting? He’d shoved Marcus first.
His headache and his heartbeat throbbed in unison as he searched for words. There was too much bouncing around in his head to form a coherent thought. Images and sounds and words echoed endlessly in his head, bleeding together to form a high-pitched whine that joined the ringing in his ears.
Just apologize and get the fuck out before you piss him off anymore. This can only go downhill.
When he turned around, he was surprised to see that Marcus had moved to the tattered couch, his elbows rested on his knees and a hip flask in hand, his hair shrouding his face. He felt a pang of guilt creeping up his neck like a bone-deep shudder. He had never gone off on anyone like that before, not even when his brother had stolen the last of his mother’s savings and taken off with every electronic device in the house.
And yet here he was, a feeling of shame and guilt coursing through him. Marcus had been nothing but kind to him.What the hell am I doing? Why did I push him like that?Itfelt like every last bit of strength had been sapped from his body, his lungs burning like he couldn’t get enough air. He eyed the closed door, wondering if he should just leave and forget the whole thing happened.
No. He shook his head at the idea.No more running. No more burying this. No more old Caleb.He walked over to the couch as Marcus took a swig from his flask, not even the hint of a grimace on his face as he pulled from it with his eyes closed.
Caleb waited until Marcus opened his eyes again, relief washing over him when he saw the whites. He must have been seeing things before when they appeared black. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d experienced things that weren’t real because of stress.
“You don’t get to decide that for me,” Caleb said, his throat burning from having shouted before.
“What?”
“You don’t get to decide whether I put myself in harm’s way.” He stuffed his hands into his hoodie pocket again and sat on the couch. The ringing in his ears was beginning to fade. “I don’t know what kind of business you’re involved in that people end up getting hurt around you, if it’s like the mob or gangs or what, but that doesn’t affect me right now.”
“The mob?” Marcus echoed. He let out a laugh, small wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. “This isn’t the ’40s.”
Caleb looked down, feeling his face growing warm as his fingers found the loose threads in his pockets. It didn’t make sense to him, but the longer he remained close to Marcus, the calmer he felt himself becoming, like Marcus was some sort of airborne anti-anxiety drug.
“Look, four years ago I was in a car accident with my mom and my brother and it destroyed my life. We all almost died, and ever since then my life has been one disappointment after another.” His eyes began to burn again. He forced himself to look at Marcus through the blurriness of the oncoming tears. “Please don’t tell me I can’t be near you because of something I can’t see. If you don’t like me like that, just let me know now.”
There was a long silence between them. Marcus’s eyes scanned up and down Caleb’s face several times, his brow creased as though he was trying to solve a math problem. He ran his hand through his hair and down his face, sighing.
“I do like you. That’s the problem, Caleb. All I’ve wanted to do since the moment I first saw you is find a way to make it so you would never have to smile with sadness in your eyes ever again. I wanted to hug you and kiss you and make you feel safe, and that’s really fucking hard to do when you have my track record.” He leaned over and placed his hand on Caleb’s knee. “But you’re right to be pissed off at me. For everything.”
He should be scared, right? He knew he should have been. But the fear had vanished as quickly as it came on. All he could focus on was the beautiful man in front of him.
Caleb felt his lower lip begin to quiver. He tucked the inside of it against his teeth to make it stop as the words wormed into his brain. So… Marcus did like him? The warmth in his face crept around to the back of his head and to his ears. He hadn’t been misinterpreting their interactions after all. He lowered his eyes. Good God, he had made an idiot of himself.
“I-I’m sorry for yelling at you.”
The weight on the couch shifted as Marcus moved closer to him, their knees touching. Marcus grabbed his wrist and gently pulled it free from his hoodie pocket, taking Caleb’s hand in both of his, not seeming to mind the clamminess of Caleb’s palm.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, for how I’ve treated you. I’m not always in as much control of myself as people think I am,” Marcus said. “That’s something you’ll need to understand about me. I’m impulsive and sentimental and I hate movies where the dog dies. I can be a nightmare if I’m in a bad mood. I play well with others, but I don’t like to share, and I have three lifetimes worth of issues and secrets that a psychiatrist would likely medicate with an entire pharmacy.”
