Page 33 of A Duke Makes a Deal
Silas shrugged, shaking his head.
“We weren’t close. Even when I returned from school during holidays, he was always too busy to bother with me.”
Clara’s eyes went round as her smile vanished.
“That’s terrible.”
Silas wasn’t sure how to respond. In his experience, it was common for men of great position to be busy. He knew of dozens of men who had little to no relationships with their fathers. It was probably difficult for Clara, whose family was terribly close, to understand.
“It wasn’t. Not truly.” Clara’s brow puckered with concern as if she didn’t believe him. Lifting her teacup to her mouth, she blew on the hot liquid before taking a sip. Silas watched her intently, unsure why such a task should be so interesting to him. “I promise,” he said, his voice inexplicably husky. “I did not suffer much from his passing.”
“But you lost the one person who had held your position. The person you were meant to learn from, not only about your position, but about all of life’s nuances.”
“Such as?”
“I don’t know. How to go about in life. What sort of friends to choose, what sort of woman to mar—”
Clara’s mouth snapped shut and her eyes dropped. A faint blush touched her cheeks and though Silas was aware that he should be annoyed, he also felt the sudden urge to touch her cheek.
Concerned with that thought, he frowned as she looked up and upon seeing his face, she blanched.
“I’m so sorry—”
“There’s no need to apologize,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re right. Perhaps if my father had been alive when I met Cynthia, he would have been able to warn me.”
Clara was quiet, staring at him and he could have sworn he felt her willing him to continue. Remarkably, he did, ignoring the discomfort he felt when he discussed Cynthia.
“What was she like?” Clara asked softly after a long moment.
Silas’s eyes met Clara’s and an unfamiliar need to unburden himself suddenly came over him.
“She was beautiful. Or rather, she still is I suppose,” he said, trying not to sound defeated as he usually did when he spoke of her. “I believed she was perfect in nearly every way.”
“Oh,” Clara replied.
The expression on her face made Silas curse himself for his tactlessness.
“That is to say, she seemed perfect, but…”
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I don’t much like to discuss her.”
“Because you loved her so much?” Clara asked as Silas’s gaze met hers.
The forwardness of her question made him feel hostile and he opened his mouth to deny it, but the words wouldn’t come. He hated that he couldn’t control his emotions when Cynthia was brought up, but he had no right to snap at Clara. He took a deep breath and shook his head.
“I did,” he finally admitted. “More than I should have.”
“How could loving someone so much be a bad thing?”
Silas wanted to tell her, but it was difficult to explain. He had loved Cynthia with every part of his heart, accepting things only a fool in love would accept. He had been dedicated to her, but in loving her so openly, so completely, he had left himself vulnerable to her torment. It was why he had vowed never to love someone so deeply ever again.
But he couldn’t tell Clara that.
“I was too jealous, I suppose.”
“One can only be jealous if there’s a reason to be,” she said smartly. “If there isn’t any doubt between two people, then jealousy does not…” She stopped talking, seemingly aware that she was overstepping. Turning to face Silas, he saw the apology in her grey-green eyes. “Oh dear. I’ve gone off again, haven’t I?”
