Page 61 of A Duke Makes a Deal
“I never believed that it would matter much, my lack of social etiquette, but I was wrong. I am inadequate.”
“Clara—”
“No, please let me finish.” She held her hand up as he came towards her. “I know you wanted this to be a marriage of friendship, Silas and I’ve tried, but what sort of friendship only lives in the dark? We barely talk. I never see you.”
“I see you every night.”
“Yes, at night when we…” She paused, her cheeks flaring at the mention of their coupling. “When we sleep together, but I need more, Silas.”
Silas stared at her, his whole body unmoving as if he were carved from stone, his gaze was alit with heat.
“I told you friendship was all I could give. I explained that to you.”
Her heart ached at his words and she debated continuing to hold in all the terrifying emotions she had been feeling for weeks. It would be easier to simply smile and apologize, to go about their lives quietly and courteously—and separately in far too many ways.
But Clara wouldn’t be doing herself any justice in lying to him. No, she needed to be honest.
“Yes, you did,” she nodded. “But I’m afraid… I mean, I realize now that I need more. More of you. More ofus. I want you to trust me, Silas. I want you to have faith in the fact that Iwould never do anything to hurt or embarrass you.” Silas stared at her, his expression set in a way she couldn’t decipher. Was he anxious? Angry? She couldn’t tell, and so she continued. “I want more from this relationship. I want you to stop avoiding me during the day and to talk to me when you have an issue as opposed to just dictating to me how you’d rather I behave.”
Thunder crashed somewhere in the distance, but Clara barely registered it against his silence. For a moment she feared he might never answer. His body shifted as he looked away and she was sure he was about to leave. But then suddenly, he turned back to face her.
“I’m sorry if I’ve been neglectful,” he said, practically yelling over the storm. “Ihavebeen avoiding you.”
“But why?”
He glanced upwards, almost hesitant, before looking back down.
“It’s…easier for me, to go about my day when you aren’t near.” Clara’s mouth fell open a little with surprise and Silas rushed to explain. “That’s not to say I don’t like being near you. It’s just that I find myself, well, unable to focus when you’re near. I thought it was best to keep my distance.”
“Oh.”
“And I do trust you.” He sounded torn. “But I told you before, Clara. I can’t give you anything more than friendship. There isn’t anything else.”
Clara felt her heart break a little at his words, but she stepped towards him. He was staring at her like she was some sort of specter. Placing her hand to his chest, she felt the shudder of his body beneath her fingers.
“There is,” she said softly. She knew he wouldn’t be able to hear her, but she wanted to say these words out loud. “But I’m afraid you’ve locked it up so tightly, you’ll never let it go.” Following an instinct, she let her fingers curl against the wetfabric of his shirt and pulled him towards her. “I wish you would, Silas.”
Before she realized it, he was kissing her, deeply and purposely, and she met him with her own need. She kissed him as if to tell him that he was safe with her. That no matter what had happened to him, she would understand.
Her hands came up to the sides of his face, cradling his cheeks in her palms as she kissed him deeper. She needed him to feel the depth of her feelings for him, but she was left lacking when he pulled back. Eyes opened, she watched the mix of emotions battle their way across his face. Abruptly, he grabbed her hand, his strong fingers wrapping tightly around her cold ones and pulling her to follow him.
“Not here,” he said as he walked.
“Where are we going?” she asked as he led her away from the center of the maze, but he didn’t answer.
She wiped the rain from her face as it continued to fall. Within minutes, they were beneath a vine covered pergola that sat against a rock wall. The pergola was so covered in thicket that it blocked nearly all of the rain from falling on them. They could also hear each other more clearly.
“Silas?” Clara said with question, gazing up into his grey eyes.
“I can’t offer you what you want, Clara,” he said, his tone somewhat shaken. His eyes shifted down at their joined hands and Clara wondered if he was nervous. “I can’t…”
Sensing that it was too much for him and ignoring the pain she felt pinch her heart at his refusal to try, she took a step towards him. She was desperate for him to feel the way she felt, but she couldn’t force it. All she could do was support him.
“You don’t have to,” she whispered. “It’s all right—”
“You don’t understand,” he said, his grip tightening on her fingers. “It’s not a choice. I am truly unable to give you more.”
The painful pinch in Clara’s heart grew. He really believed that there was nothing left to give her. The hurt he had endured from his previous marriage had been a deeper cut than she had realized and she felt momentarily shamed for not crediting him with feeling that deeply.
