Page 66 of A Duke Makes a Deal
“When have you ever sought out my approval?”
She shook her head, unwilling to answer as she caught sight of herself in the mirror.
“This is not what I wanted. I never should have married you.”
“I had hoped that we would settle—”
“Settle all you want, Silas. I won’t be here for it. I want a divorce.”
He had sensed a break coming for some time, the blood in his veins had turned to ice. He had never actually expected to divorce anyone. It was practically unheard of, even for the wealthy. But she had been determined to push him into it. And what Cynthia wanted, she always got—sooner or later.
He shook his head as if to brush off the memories. Turning back to Clara, he saw her patient face watching him.
“I should have known better. I take full responsibility for the collapse of that marriage.”
“Oh, but how could you?” Clara asked, standing up. “It wasn’t your fault that it didn’t work out.”
“It didn’t succeed because of me either,” he said shaking his head. “Cynthia was not someone who would ever be content with the sort of conventional relationship I wanted to give her. I was a fool to think we could be happy together—but I paid for my arrogance with years of lies and betrayals. Shame has been my only companion for the past year. How could I have let her get away with such things? It was why I had planned on remaining alone after our divorce.” He glanced at her. “I didn’t want to share my miserable self with anyone, to plague another human being with my desolation.”
“Then why did you propose to me?”
Guilt washed over him as his gaze dropped.
“I suppose, in a moment of selfishness, I wanted to keep you.”
“Because I help with your anxiety? Or was it something else?”
Silas swallowed as he looked at her, unsure how much to reveal. Clara came towards him tentatively. Her hands raised and she touched his chest. He felt his heart begin to beat faster beneath her fingertips.
“You shouldn’t feel any shame, Silas,” she said, allowing her last question to go unanswered. “You’re only guilty of trying to appease your wife. A wife who didn’t have any idea how to react to the sort of support you gave her,” Clara said. “She was the luckiest woman in the world and she squandered her good fortune. And you—”
“And me?”
“And you,” she repeated, coming closer, her hand moving over his cheek. “You should forgive yourself. Your only crime was loving her.”
Silas looked down at his wife, rather captivated by her words. No one had ever told him to forgive himself. The few friends he had left had disparaged Cynthia as a wicked harlot. His motherand sister had blamed him for his inability to keep his marriage together. All of London thought he was a scoundrel.
Everyone except Clara.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Clara.” His hands moved over hers. “It’s why my friendship is all I can give you. It’s why I can’t accept…”
To her credit, Clara didn’t weep or argue. Instead, she only squeezed her fingers around his.
“Shhh, Silas. It’s all right,” she said softly, her expression hopeful. Her hand pulled his to her chest and placed his fingers over her heart. “It will be all right.”
Silas felt a snap within him, as if a steel band had broken from around his heart. She was wrong. It wasn’t all right. Clara didn’t deserve his excuses and if he were a better man, he would feel guilty for stealing her chances of a loving marriage away from her, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. Nothing would be enough to heal him, but he wouldn’t bring himself to squash her optimism. Without realizing it, his arms went round her.
“Very well,” he heard himself say. “Do as you please.”
The smile she gave him made his stomach do an odd sort of flip. She was so happy in that moment. His shoulders, that were so tense the entire time he told her his history with Cynthia, relaxed and he felt as if a weight had been permanently lifted. Like a ghost had gone out of him.
Leaning forward, he kissed her. Almost instantly, her arms were wrapped around his shoulders. He tugged her towards him. Leaning on the leg that hung off the bed, he maneuvered her off the mattress and into a standing position, his mouth on hers the entire time.
She pulled away for a moment, confused.
“What are you doing?”
“Showing you what the mirrors are for,” he whispered against her mouth as he turned her around to face the largest one that hung on the opposite wall.
