Page 104 of The Other Side of Paradise
“It was as shitty as I’d expected,” I said, not really with it, shrugging absently. “She laughed and told me her girlfriend wouldn’t be interested in me. Kept sending me harassing messages for hours after I’d tried to end the conversation with, you know,sure, do what you like, I just wanted to let you know,but she was still going, all…what are you after, why are you trying to sabotage our relationship, are you trying to get us to break up, are you trying to sleep with her, are you trying to sleep with me.And a lot of insults.”
She pursed her lips, clenching her hands tighter. “Christ, what an asshole.”
Ha. I did like the idea of sitting out here and shit-talking the person who didn’t like me, but that was probably bad karma or something dumb like that. “It’s a normal psychological response, isn’t it?” I said. “She has to either figure out a way that I’m a lying dirtbag with an agenda, or reconcile the idea that her picture-perfect relationship with her hot girlfriend is broken. Of course it’s easier to revert defensively to the former.”
“I guess. Still a jackass.”
I could take some bad karma. I felt a small smile bubble up. “I mean, didn’t say she wasn’t.”
“Okay, I’m glad we’re on the same page.” She stood up, fetching the pizzas from the oven, and she relaxed this time when she sat down, sizzling pizzas cooling on the table between us, smelling like heaven. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this from me,” she said, her voice soft, “but hey, I’m damn proud of you. Just… takes a lot of guts, facing that kind of thing.”
I was too sad right now to feel squicked out by that kinda thing. “Thanks…” I mumbled, looking down.
“How are you feeling?” She grimaced, realizing how the question came across. “About that whole thing specifically.”
How was I feeling? I kind of surprised myself with the answer. “Honestly?” I said with a sigh, relaxing into the couch. “Completely fine. A lot better. Now I know they’re both just a couple of douchebags, and I’m not the bad guy here.”
She smiled at me, her eyes soft. I looked away, a little laugh breaking out.
“And there’s this one… tiny… vindictive little part of me that looks at all their pretty photos and happy relationship posts, and I look at the blonde bombshell there who sent me the most vile messages, and I’m like… ha. I fucked your girlfriend. So who’s winning now?”
She laughed, a cautious gleam in her eyes. “You do what you’ve gotta do to survive these situations…”
“Hopefully fucking other people’s girlfriends isn’t something Igotta doin the future,” I said, the playful tone in my voice dying off. “It sucks. Everything sucks. I just… wanted to… be better,” I mumbled, looking up at her with this ache in my chest feeling like it would make me explode. “Do you feel that way too…?” I said, voice quiet.
She looked away, and I felt stupid for asking even before she said, “Not really.”
“Oh… maybe it’s just me.” I picked up my drink off the table, clutching it hard, staring into the darkening sky, trying to pin down this nervousthingin my chest. “I just… god, Stella is… she’s so far out of my fucking league,” I said, my voice like a prayer. “I feel like I had some kind of encounter with divinity. I’m so fucking sad she left, but… I’m just really grateful I got to spend time with her. And I guess maybe there’s this part of me that’s like… ifshesaw something in me, maybe I’m not the worst in the world. Or maybe I at least have the potential to be something worthwhile.”
She smiled thinly at me. “Love comes in a lot of ways, takes a lot of forms, and a lot of the time, it hurts. A lot. But I’ve never heard someone regret loving somebody.”
I snorted. “Is this because I’m a lesbian, you think I’m in love with her after we were together for a couple days?”
She shrugged, looking past me. I didn’t think she was thinking of Stella right now. “I don’t think you’rein lovewith her, but I think you felt things that are in the same category as love, don’t you? You loved things about her. You loved the time you spent with her. Don’t waste your feelings away by sitting around overanalyzing them.”
I nodded, taking a long sip of my drink before I ventured, “Are you… are you doing okay?”
“I’m all right… I’ll be all right.”
“You really didn’t want to… I don’t know. Ask her to come back?” I wasn’t asking for her right now, I was vaguely aware. She snorted.
“Forget it, Allison. It’s done now.”
I knew that. Iknewthat. I just didn’twantto know that. It hurt so fucking much. Why? When I’d only known her for aweek? “She’s different from the others, isn’t she?” I said, voice hoarse “She really meant something to you.”
She shrugged flippantly. “I’ve got a big heart. Lots of people mean something to me.”
“Don’t give me—”
“Even Laura means something to me. That’s saying something.”
God, I’d never seen BB like this. She really did get crushed. “You’re even worse than I am when you’ve gotten your heart broken,” I said, and she whirled on me.
“Allison, what am I supposed to do? If I’d asked her to make something more serious out of this, then either she’d say no and I’d feel like crap, or she’d say yes and mess with her already fragile life situation trying to make this work with me, and then I’d feel even worse, screwing with her life like that.”
Jesus, I knew that, but I didn’t need it shoved into my face like this, not when… “You know—”
“No, I don’t know,” she said, standing. “I don’t know anything. But that’s how it goes. It sucks when someone leaves. It sucks wheneveryoneleaves. But you get used to it. You get used to the fact that you don’t get used to it—used to the fact that it’s going to hurt every time, and you’re going to be broken for a few days after. And yeah, this is worse than usual. Might be a whole week. But life’s made up of a whole lot of weeks. It’ll go on. I’ll get better. And I’ll find someone else to pass a week with, and then I’ll be a little sad about them leaving, and then I’ll get better. Nobody’s got a perfect life happy all the time. Trying to pretend like you do is how you end up like that asshole Isabel harassing someone who lets you know your girlfriend was unfaithful. I’m going to be miserable sometimes. It doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong.”
