Page 109 of The Other Side of Paradise
It was the first time I’d really vocalized it—the first time I’d really put it out there,I miss her.That I wanted to stay, that I wanted to see what could come from it. But I knew I was just shouting into the wind. Ryan did, too. “Guess… we’ll get over them,” she said, voice hoarse. I groaned.
“That’s it? All we can do is just… silently… suffer?”
“You have any other ideas, I’m all ears.”
“You are not,” I scoffed. “Every time I try to talk to you about how Brooklynmeanssomething to you—”
“Then what should I do?” she said, voice cutting, and I sat up, a rush in my chest.
“Talk to her. I don’t know. Ask her what you should do. Figure it out between the two of you. Do you really think you’ll move on from this?”
“I know it won’t be easy to—” she started, and I lost it, my heart pounding, leaning forward and squeezing my hands on my knees.
“It’s not abouteasy,it’s about—this is—” I threw my hands up in frustration. “Don’t you worry everyone else is just going to live in her shadow?”
She winced, a flicker of anger on her features that melted into something desperately sad, and then… quiet resignation. My least favorite fucking thing. How was she just going to sit there andgive up?Didn’t it make her want to scream like it did me?
“For a while, yeah,” she said finally. I grimaced.
“Well, I don’t. I think we’ll be old one day wondering what would have happened if we’d done something brave with our lives.”
She scoffed. “Stella, I’ve known her for a week.”
I’d known Allison for less, practically speaking, and I was ready to fight for her. “How much have you regretted being brave and stupid with your career?” I said, and she looked away, staring at the window, achingly quiet for an eternity.
The wind blew. A door opened somewhere in the hall, strangers talking, and then shut. Ryan squeezed her hands, closed her eyes, let out a long breath. And slowly, she stood up, sliding out of the bed and up to her feet.
“I’m going to take a shower,” she said. “Do you want to get dinner?”
I scoffed. “You’re just changing the subject?”
“Yep.”
Even she was running away. Dammit. I hated everything about this. “How long are you going to keep doing this?” I said, and she laughed weakly.
“I’ll think about it in the shower,” she said, walking past me and towards the bathroom, and she stopped in the doorway, looking back at me. “Stella?”
“Yeah?”
“You… you should be better than me. Do what makes you happy.”
Dammit. What a stupid, cowardly thing to say.
But then again… I guess I couldn’t criticize. Not if I was being just as bad.
I looked down at my phone, lying next to me, lit up with notifications. Texts from my family. Yelling at me, probably. I wondered if I could text Allison. Just… to say… I didn’t know what. To say nothing. To say everything. “Um… yeah?”
“Yeah.” She paused. “So, dinner?”
“Allison recommended this spot that we never ended up going to.” Her name came so easily to my lips. “They do gyros.”
“I could crush a gyro right now.”
“You and me both. I’ll go order and pick it up,” I said, standing up.
“Thanks, Stella.” She shut the door, and I heard her go still inside. I did the same, leaning against the wall, just staring at the window.
Dammit. I wanted so badly to be brave. I just didn’t know how. Maybe I never would. Maybe after all this time telling people they needed to be braver, I was…
