Page 55 of Head First
I hesitate with indecision.
‘No,’ I decide, ‘not today. I have bigger fish to fry than gathering the courage to jump in head first.’
Hugh nods. ‘See you in there then,’ and backflips off the boat.
I take a wide step into the water, letting it rush into my ears, quieting the world around me.
We repeat the dive we did in the morning because Vanessa and Miguel said the visibility was some of the best they’d ever seen. The water is still crystal clear, with almost no current, barely any sand swirls up from the sea floor. Diving somewhere familiar is refreshing. I feel less disoriented and more like I know what I’m doing. With the absence of the current, the ocean is quieter, fewer shoals of fish rush by. I recognise a few landmarks – the sharp rise in the ocean floor as we get closer to the reef, the slow curve to the right of the first large coral structure.
I stop to hover over a staghorn coral cluster, and Hugh hovers right next to me. To my surprise, he pulls out an underwater camera too and gives me a thumbs-up. Together we snap pictures. He slowly makes his way towards another, smaller group of bright blue staghorn corals and continues to take photos.
If this is what it feels like to be on a research expedition with a team of scientists dedicated to a common goal, I want to go on one. I feel invigorated by the common sense of purpose Hugh and I are sharing, even if our end goals are somewhat different. It feels so nice to not be in this all alone.
We’re interrupted by Miguel shepherding us along to the second tangle of reef. As we make our way there, we see a giant manta ray pass underneath us, gently cruising across the sandy bottom. It’s sleek and grey, flapping its wings like an ocean butterfly. Our group turns and follows it for about twenty-five feet until Miguel gives us the signal to turn around. We’re all spellbound.
I thought the shock of diving would wear off, that with each dive things would seem less spectacular, but somehow it doesn’t. With every dive there is more to see, another crevice captivates me, a colour I’ve never seen before saturates my view, a new fish piques my curiosity.
No butterfly wrasse are spotted, but we do catch sight of another lobster. Hugh and I poke at a couple of clownfish protecting their anemone. Vanessa finds another coral whose petals disappear as we swim by it, and we take turns watching the purple tendrils appear and retract. Andrew thinks he sees something, and calls us all over, but it turns out he just saw a clump of algae in the crevice of a rock.
On our way back we swim right past a school of angelfish, their fins glinting in the sunlight as they swish past.
I feel a low trembling of anxiety that I will never be content in a cubicle in Columbus again.
Chapter 21
Two dives to go
Lunch sets the group on a trajectory towards a siesta. We only have one more dive today and it’s not for another three hours. Natalie and Derek have camped out in the sun of the platform. The wind has picked up and is ripping through the captain’s room, making it hard to find any peace and quiet on the benches. I retreat downstairs to take a nap on my bunk bed. My skin needs to be out of the sun, at least for a little while.
Before I head downstairs, I see Natalie and Hugh talking, and when Hugh glances at me during their conversation I feel my gut clench.Natalie has no reason to dig up the first-class debacle now, I remind myself, but I still end up lying on my twin mattress staring at the paint-peeled ceiling, unable to sleep.
I dug myself in too deep by expecting Hugh to be perfectly honest with me and getting angry with him when he wasn’t. And then he doubled down on ‘having integrity’ and actually tried to help me find the wrasse. I could never let him find out I wasn’t Millie. He would never forgive me. And I would rather live with never seeing him again, but knowing that he liked me, than having to tell him the truth.
I must drift off at some point because I wake up groggily to creaking on the bunk bed below me.
‘Hugh?’ I call out softly.
‘Ugh,’ Hugh grunts. ‘These beds are so tiny.’
I grunt in affirmation.
‘Since Derek and Natalie took our usual spot, I figured I would come see if this worked.’
‘It’s not the same.’
‘Not at all,’ he agrees.
I stare at the ceiling. ‘How was your chat with Natalie?’ I finally get up the nerve to ask.
He doesn’t respond.
‘Hugh?’ I prompt. My heart rate starts to pick up. I feel sweat dampening my inner elbows.Oh no.
Hugh coughs.
I want to peer over and look down at him, but I’m frozen with fear.
Finally, he speaks. ‘Yeah, about that . . .’ His voice sounds off. I can’t put my finger on it.
