Page 85 of Apple of My Eye
Mom reminds me every now and then that we have no idea if Betsy officially signed, that my plan might still work. It speaks to how depressed I must seem that Mom is now the one reminding me that I could still buy their property when at the beginning of this summer she was staunchly against it. I return the favor by reminding her that the bank hasn’t even told me if my loan was approved. It’s a vicious cycle. One that Dad stays out of by quickly ducking into another room when it comes up.
The day after we ‘celebrate’ U-Pick being over, Mom asks me if I’ve considered going back to the city.
‘San Francisco?’ I ask, confused.
‘No,’ she returns an equally confused expression. ‘Seattle.’
I cringe at my Freudian slip. I’ve thought about San Francisco a lot since Nick left, my thoughts often a swirling mass of confusion over the siren call of a big city. The more I think about it the more I feel myself softening towards Linden, towards Nick .?.?. if I’m thinking about leaving the farm too, how can I fault them for it? But as soon as the thought completes another one replaces it,Who will I be if I leave the farm? What will anchor me to this world, what will be my purpose?
Mom is staring at me intently. I try to brush past it. ‘I guess I could visit Evan,’ I wonder aloud. I feel tears sting my eyes. It takes almost nothing for me to cry these days.
‘Honey, I just think you might need a break. Now that you say it, San Francisco could be good for you. You could go see your brother.’
‘So that’s it, you’ve had enough of me moping around and want to pawn me off to someone else?’ I ask, anger edging into my voice.
Mom sighs. ‘That isn’t it exactly—’
I bristle. Whatever I was expecting her to say, it wasnotto acknowledge that she was in fact trying to get rid of me moping around.
‘We are worried about you,’ she says. ‘We think maybe you need some space to think about what you want to do next.’
‘So, you and Dad have been talking about me.’
‘You say that like that isn’t in our job description.’
I stare glumly at the kitchen table. ‘What ismyjob description?’ I say in a small voice.It can’t be licensing out the barn for weddings. It can’t be.
‘Only you know that.’ She squeezes my hand before heading out the door, reminding me that she agreed to volunteer at the soup kitchen that morning.
I thought my job description was to take care of you,I think, as I watch her retreat into the mudroom.
Lily: Excuse me, since when did the girl who basically swore off men forever get into wedding planning?
Lily: Is there something you need to tell me? What alien exchanged places with you?
Me: Ugh. Who told you?
Lily: My mom said you reached out to her for catering.
Me: Right. Duh. Sorry, I should have texted. The whole thing kind of bums me out.
Lily: What is the ‘whole thing’?
Me: Hmm. Do I start with the fact that I literally spent the past five years of my life getting a degree in agriculture only to come to a farm my parents don’t even know if they want? Here I was thinking I could use my degree to offer classes or tours or something but no. Now, in order to save us from financial ruin, I need to start hosting weddings in the back barn?
Lily: Uh-oh.
Me: Or that I actually had a good plan to revamp the farm with regenerative ag but now the Parkers have this crazy offer from a conglomerate so we can’t buy their farm? So now we’re totally stuck? So now I’ve bought an industrial fryer so we can make more donuts? Because that’s what the people want?
Lily: OMG.
Me: I’m sorry I’m dumping. I miss you. When are you coming home again?
Lily: I feel like I should be asking you when you’re leaving home. Because it seems like a little space could do you good. Especially now that JJ isn’t around.
Me: I don’t have anywhere to go.
Lily: Linden has space in his fancy new apartment.
