Page 3 of You Had Me At Pumpkin Patch
As Rosie stood under the ultra-bright false lights of the communal hallway unravelling her scarf, she wondered if she’d even manage to get another job as a writer if Artificial Intelligence was the future. Surely there would be far fewer positions and a lot more competition.Mediocre,Kelvin had called her. Another sting of tears hit the backs of her eyes.
Thirty-six years old, living in her boyfriend’s flat with a door that didn’t want to let her in, no job, no prospects, and her only ever hope at getting married had been squashed by a giant prickly pear. Was that really the size of it? She sucked in a jagged breath and wiped the cake icing from her cheek. No. She still had Cassius, and their relationship was promising. He wasn’t wanted in four countries like the ex who’d popped up onCrimewatchfor impersonating a lollipop lady, nor did he have a penchant for stuffing toy dogs with stolen knickers, like Dingo Dave. She and Cassius had a happy future ahead of them, and as far as work was concerned, she’d sort something out. She was like a piece of toast that always landed butter side up. Well, at least after a few attempts, and a bit of picking off carpet fluff.
She navigated the lift, trying to ignore the irritating voice of robot lady, who seemed to be stuck on a ‘doors closing’ loop. ‘Perhaps when one door closes, another one opens,’ Rosie told the tinny voice. Yes, today could only get better, couldn’t it? Once she stopped trying to make friends with the lift computer, that was.
Rosie reached the front door of their flat, which Cassius had set up with swipe-card entry, even though her sister had once managed to get in with her Black Amex, and Rosie’s Boots store card would sometimes do the trick. She swiped herself in and stepped into the hallway, which was dark compared to the brightness of the communal parts. Perhaps Cassius had popped out.
‘Ouch.’ Rosie looked down to see she’d stubbed her toe on a gigantic cardboard box in the hallway. How hadn’t she noticed it? Well, it hadn’t been there that morning. Had it? Rosie put down her bag and squinted at the packing label. It was addressed to Cassius, and he’d opened it already. Probably the latest bit of tech from somewhere or other. The way her day was panning out, at least the box was big enough for her to hide in.
Rosie wasn’t in the mood to negotiate lighting with the voice-activated thing that Cassius called Serena. Serena might only be a piece of smart technology, but she did not like Rosie and had a canny way of delivering the exact opposite of whatever Rosie wanted. So she kicked off her boots and paced towards the bedroom to hang her coat.
‘Need anything, Zoe?’ Serena chimed sweetly from the speaker in the corner. Who was Zoe? Probably another of ‘smart’ Serena’s jokes.
‘A break from annoying robots trying to take over my life?’ Rosie whispered, because there was no point in infuriating her.
As she reached the bedroom door, Rosie stopped. What were those unexpected sounds, emanating from inside? Another of Serena’s not-so-funny capers? Serena could definitely play romantic music, even if Rosie had never heardthattune before. Could she replicate Cassius’s voice too? And what was that odd grunting, interspersed with a cat-like whimpering? Cassius wouldn’t even let her have a cat.
Rosie put her ear to the door, her heart beginning to beat hard in her ribcage. Was she about to inadvertently burst in on a grunty cat burglar who liked stealing stuff to the sound of the saxophone? She grabbed a steel vase from a nearby shelf. It would be a handy defence if they tried to attack her.
The dodgy cat noise came again, but louder this time. Like it was... excited? But the swoony sax music kept drowning it out.
Hang on. Wasn’t Cassius quite partial to a bit of woodwind? Was he in there doing something reckless with the neighbour’s moggy? Rosie gasped. That would be one thousand times worse thanCrimewatchguy. Cassius would never do that. Every part of her wanted to run for her life, but she had to prove to herself that she was thinking nonsense – and she really did need to put her coat away.
And then Vix’s words from earlier that morning came back to her.‘Please stay vigilant.’
What were her vigilant eyes about to see?
Rosie took a deep breath, steadied herself, and barged the door open, clinging to the sturdy vase with one shaking hand.
‘Aaaaaaaah!’
Rosie wasn’t quite sure who was screaming. Maybe it was all of them. All of them being herself, Cassius... and whoever the hell was lying across their bed unclothed with her legs in the air, as though she was riding an upside-down bicycle.
Was it awho? Or was it awhat?
Rosie screamed again, feeling like she was on the world’s most horrific fairground ride, and she was desperate to make it stop. The metal vase fell from her hand, crashing down onto her toes. Pain seared upwards. The vase bounced across the wooden floor, in near slow motion, each landing making a deafening crack. Naked Cassius rushed towards her, looking more scrawny and awkward than she’d ever seen him. She jumped backwards, pushing her hands out to keep him at bay and praying her fingers didn’t touch anything hairy.
All that commotion, yet upside-down cyclingwomanhadn’t flinched. She simply lay there, emitting the strange sexy cat noise, and groaning ‘Cassssssiuuuus’ like he was taking her to dizzy feline heights when clearly, he wasn’t.
‘What are you doing here?’ Cassius tried to usher Rosie out of the bedroom, as if there was absolutely nothing odd to see.
‘What amIdoing here? What aboutthat?!’ Rosie pointed behind him.
The thing whimpered again.
‘Deactivate, Zoe.’
So that was who Zoe was. Well, Serena was quick at learning names when she wanted to be.
‘You gave it a name?’ Rosie hissed. She could only assume it wasn’t human, as much as its naked pink body had been crafted to look freakishly person-like.The thinghad arms, legs and remarkably good boobs, now she came to gawp at it. It had a much better figure than Rosie had ever managed and was obviously good at staying in uncomfortable poses. Maybe it could write goddamned novels too.
It was abundantly clear that when she’d spotted Cassius internet searching sexy robots over his breakfast bagels, that hadn’t been the first time – and he hadn’t stopped at window shopping. To think she’d naively believed he was just curious about the latest technology. And with what he’d been doing with his purchase, there was little chance of a refund.
Zoe made a robotic deactivating sound, pulling Rosie back to this terrifying version of the present.
‘What I’m doing here,’ Rosie continued, ‘is coming back to hide from life, because stingy Kelvin has replaced me with a robot. Much like my appallingex-boyfriend.’
They were standing in the doorway of the bedroom, trying not to look at the unfortunate tableau inside.
