Page 28 of My Favorite Bad Decision
I want to say that posing for a photo isn’t necessarily exciting, but the point would remain that yes, on the surface I lead an incredibly exciting life.
So why isn’t it exciting to me?
“Your life is pretty fucking good compared to most people’s, Kit. If you were crazy about the guy, he’d be a part of that.”
The lantern we’ve hung from the ceiling sways as a gust of wind shakes the tent. I stare at it, forming an answer. “Look, there’s a time factor here. I want kids, and Maren has had issues, so I might too. And it’s not as if falling madly in love with someone leads to a better outcome. My parents are a fine example of this.”
He rolls toward me, no longer smiling at all. There’s a worried furrow between his brows. “It’s more than some mathematical equation in which your odds of success are calculated, Kit. I mean, haven’t you ever been so crazy about someone that the rest of the world seemed to pale by contrast?”
I have, and that’s sort of the problem. I’ve been so crazy about someone that the world paled by contrast, and it continued to pale. I’m sick of hoping I’ll find that again. “Yes, but that’s over, and I’m tired of the hunt.”
His face is gentle as he reaches up to turn off the light. “I wouldn’t give up so soon, Kit.”
* * *
“Please tellme you finished early and you’re flying out right now,” Rob said when I called him.
I was in my second year of med school, slogging my way through finals. The month we were about to spend driving through Switzerland was the only spot of brightness in my world that week. “No, babe. That’s not how med school works. But I’ve got three exams down and one to go.”
Behind him, the noise was deafening. He was there on a guys’ trip, but the playful screaming I heard was female. It soured my mood just a bit. Not because I was worried Rob would hook up with one of them but simply because…if it was no longer a guys-only trip, it was harder not to be a part of it. “It’s loud there.”
He sighed. “Yeah, the party’s in full swing. I can’t wait until you get here.”
I’d never heard him heave a dispirited sigh like that, though I think he came pretty close the first time he met my mother. And he was at Chamonix, skiing with his best friends—he should have been ecstatic.
“What’s going on?” I asked. “I thought you’d be having the time of your life.”
“I don’t know. I’m just tired. I got a couple decent runs in this morning and I’ve been sandbagging ever since.”
There was a tussle on his end and yelling, and then a new voice came onto the line. “Your boyfriend is full of shit,” said his childhood best friend Sam. “This kid has been skiing like a maniac since the slopes opened.”
Rob took the phone back. “Okay, he may have a point. But anyway, I can’t wait to see you.”
“You need a drink, motherfucker!” Sam shouted.
“Just make sure you get your rest before Saturday,” I warned. “I’ve got plans for you.”
We hadn’t seen each other since spring break—I was pretty sure we’d spend half of Switzerland locked in a hotel room, and I was okay with that. “Let me go around the corner,” he said. “I want to hear greater detail about theseplans.”
I laughed. “I’m not having phone sex with you one room away from all your dumb friends, and I’m about to walk into a study session. Go have your drinks.”
“Fine. I’ll let you study, but only because you’re all mine for the next month.”
It was three years ago but I can still remember the thrill of hearing him say “all mine.” I can still remember wanting someone so completely and having four weeks with him stretch ahead of me like a soft bed after a long day.
As my eyes fall closed, I realize that what’s been missing these past few years isn’t excitement.
It’s hope.
9
KIT
DAY 5: BARRANCO TO KARANGA
12,800 feet to 13,600 feet
It’s no longer raining when the porter wakes us in the morning.
