Page 6 of Creep
I laugh right alongside her, but not for the same reason. My laugh is more sinister, cold.If she only knew how her words could really be taken.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Shut up and give me a bite, I'm starvin’ over here.” She laughs while handing me her bowl and we sit there, taking turns every bite while watching a lame ass movie which is playing on antenna TV.
* * *
Later that afternoon,I’m in my room once again jamming to music. “The High Road” by Three Days Grace is blaring through my earbuds when my door gets pushed open. I know Holley’s in her room drawing, practicing for her classes starting soon. Which only leaves one person because I know for a fact it isn’t my mom coming in here. She doesn’t even acknowledge my existence anymore, not like she ever did to begin with.
No amount of preparation could ever prepare me for how I feel when Ben walks into the room. I hold on to every ounce of strength I possess, but fear is a fickle thing. It doesn’t care if you’re strong or not. It grips onto every nerve in my body, spreading through me like wildfire, but he doesn’t need to know he still affects me. I can fight it, so I do.
I subtly square my shoulders and turn myself to face him as he steps into the room. Shutting the door behind him, he comes to where I’m sitting and takes a seat right next to me, as if there aren't other places he could sit.
Last night changed things, apparently, because now he’s coming to my room whenever he fucking feels like it.
“What are you listening to, sweetheart?”
I swallow down the ever familiar taste of vomit when that word leaves his mouth and glance over to him, deciding to play along with his fake niceties.
“Three Days Grace.”
“Ahhhh. I see it’s still a favorite band of yours.” he raises his eyebrows in acknowledgement.
I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, sure.”
I don’t know what the hell is going on and it’s confusing the hell out of me. He’s never made small talk with me,ever.And now he wants to? No. Something’s going on and it’s scaring me, but I don’t have the slightest clue as to what it could be.All I know is I don’t think my life can get much worse.
The fear begins to consume me as my thoughts run rampant. It happens every time he is in my vicinity. I fight like hell not to be afraid, but knowing everything he is capable of trumps any rational thought, and the fear always swings forward, full fucking force, every single time.
He’s leaning against the wall with his head resting against it. He closes his eyes for a moment and then looks over to me. The look on his face gives me pause.
“Look, Essa. I came in here for a reason.”Doesn’t he always.“I need to talk to you and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I didn’t want to give you up because I wanna fucking keep you all to myself, but the situation called for this and you’ll do well to remember you don’t have a choice in shit.”
As if I didn’t already have a million thoughts swirling in my head, now they swallow me whole and I shut down, unable to process a fucking thing.What in the hell is he talking about?My stomach cramps and I feel sick. The possibilities of what he is talking about areendless.He’s my fucking abuser for fuck’s sake, how much worse could this fucking get?
As I sit here mentally panicking, he stares at me, but there is something about his eyes that captures my attention. The first thing I notice is his eyes look relatively clear, meaning he might actually be sober for once in his fucking life. Or at the very least, sober enough to have some fucking sense of clarity. A scoff leaves my lips at that thought because how fucking barbaric is that notion. In all likelihood, he just hasn’t smoked yet today.
His eyes bore into mine, unblinking. Unease settles within me at the way he’s leering at me. I jump up and start pacing the small space of my room, absently rearranging things to keep my hands busy while also attempting to squash my loud thoughts.
“What do you want Benjamin?” His name tasting like acid on my tongue.
“Oh, Benjamin is it? I’m surprised you even know my name seeing how the word has never left your mouth before, but it’s fine. I don’t really give a shit because you’re about to hate me even more than you already do, so what you call me doesn’t matter to me—it never has.” He winks.He actually fucking winks at me.
I halt my movements and stand near my door—the only spot which is the furthest from him—and wait for him to continue.
“I made a deal with an acquaintance of mine. You’re going to be his now ‘cause I owe him a lot of fucking money and since your mother and I obviously don’t have the cash to pay him back, you’re the next best thing.” He looks up to me and our eyes lock.
My palms itch with sweat and I rub them against my pants before bringing my hands back together. I interlock my fingers and twist them together as I take in what he just told me. Butthis has got to be some sick fucking joke. Surely he’s joking?
I spew my thoughts out loud, desperate for him to confirm them. “This is a sick fucking joke, seriously. Why the fuck would you think this is funny?” I spit the words out in a jumble because my brain is not working properly. The panic takes hold of everything, including my bodily functions. My legs give out and I slump to the floor, dejected, because deep down inside, I know he’s being truthful.
How fucking sick is that?
“No, Essa. I’m not being ‘funny’. I’m being fucking serious. Sierra and I owe this man a lot of money and the only way he won’t kill us is if we find some way to pay him. You and everyone else know we don’t have any money so we offered you up for trade. For you to be whatever he wants.
“This guy has a well-known reputation about how he treats women, and it’s nothing you’re not already used to.” He flips me a wink as he continues. “He already talked to me about what he wants and how we’ll go about this. He said you get to stay here at home the majority of the time ‘cause he just wants you one night a week. Just one, Essa, so you’ll have no problem fulfilling what he wants.
“Do you understand? I know you’re not stupid. Just know if you don’t do it, I’ll just offer Holley to him instead. I’ll go to wherever the fuck her school is and bring her little ass home to pay my debt—you best remember that.”
He casually throws her name out because he knew the second her name got brought up, I would say yes. I would do anything,apparently any—fucking—thing, to protect my sister from their poison. I know I’ve been through some shit—shit no one shouldeverhave to endure—but being pimped out by my own parents to pay off a debt? Yeah. I’m about to lose the last piece of myself that was actually mine and mine alone.My fucking soul.
