Page 8 of Creep
When I glancedown at my iPod lying next to me on my bed, I see it’s already two-thirty p.m. I’ve been lying in bed all day listening to “I Feel Like I’m Drowning” by Two Feet on repeat and I can’t bring myself to move. Everything is surreal. It’s almost like I’m floating above my body, peering down and observing everything like it’s all happening to someone else.
I don’t know how to fathom what the fuck is going to happen. Well, besides the obvious, I guess. The obvious is some fucking man my parents owe money to is going to do whatever he wants to me and I don’t have a choice. But what is almost worse than that, is the fact I have already accepted it. What could this man do that is worse than what I have been going through for years?
And when it comes down to me or Holley, there isn’t even a choice to be made because how could I be so selfish, I would let her go through something like this? Exactly, I couldn’t.
So here I lie, already accepting whatever is going to come my way and just waiting for the inevitable to happen. I guess I can be happy about the fact Holley doesn’t have to be stuck here alone when I’m not here because she’s leaving for college tomorrow.
Speaking of Holley, I wonder where she is. I know our parents aren’t home because I heard them leave early this morning and they still haven’t returned.Thank God.The longer they stay away, the better for us.
Maybe she and I can have a girls’ day and spend some much needed time together before she goes off to college. It would be nice to have at least one last day of something normal before my life gets even worse than it already is, which is really saying something.
I’m still pissed at the fact she put it off for a year to stay home with me. She made the excuse she didn’t want to leave me here alone with our parents, which I understand to a certain extent, but I just wish she would realize I am more than capable of taking care of myself. Hell, I have been taking care of myselfand herall these years, so what makes now so different? If only she knew the shit that was really going on, she might change her stance.
Ha, if she did, she would never leave then, so scratch that thought.
I get up and throw my hoodie on and I make my way to Holl’s bedroom. I push open the door and see her sitting on her bed drawing. Packed bags and boxes are scattered about her room in complete disarray. Where I’m the organized clean freak, Holley’s the messy, “I don’t care” one. Even though the messy state of her room drives me nuts, it also instantly brings a smile to my face as I make my way over to her.
“Hey Holls. Whatcha drawing?” I plop down on her bed, making all of her supplies shake. She looks over at me with a smile. A genuine smile and it does nothing but solidify the fact I made the right decision—not that it ever occurred to me I didn’t. I can’t imagine being so selfish I would never do something to take her smile away. She truly is the light in my life and the only reason I’m still breathing.
Her eyes narrow as she takes in my face now that I’m closer to her. I’m sure she can see the bruises already forming on my face from Ben's rough handling of me the other night, but I subtly shake my head at her, not wanting to get into it. Her brows pull together with worry, but she gives me a weak smile before looking back down at the pad of paper in her lap.
“I’m drawing you, you wanna see?” She pushes the sketchbook I got her for her birthday into my lap. I glance down at the heavy paper she just threw in my lap and can’t help the gasp leaving my mouth when I see it, my eyes going round with shock.
“Holy shit, Holley, this is beyond amazing! I can’t believe you drew this! I’m so honored you would want to draw me.” I look over at her with a smile so big, my cheeks ache, not used to making the expression. My eyes brim with tears. I'm trying so hard to fight from falling down my face.
“I am so proud of you, Holl. You’re going to do so well at Rhode Island, I just know it.”
“I— I don’t know Ess. Rhode Island School of Design is relatively elite and I’m probably not going to do well enough to keep my scholarship. This school is the only way I’m getting out of here.
“I feel like I’m suffocating, Ess. Mom and dad are just too much for me to deal with anymore. But I don’t want to leave you here, alone. You don’t deserve that.”
She has tears in her eyes when she glances up at me through her lashes. They begin spilling down her high cheekbones. The tears make her already vivid blue eyes seem even brighter—eyes she got from our mother. But I let the thought go as I try not to think about our piece of shit mother right now and completely ruin my mood.
I grab her hands as I regard her. “Holley. You never have to worry about me, I swear to you. I know our lives haven’t been the easiest, hell, that’s the understatement of the century, but you deserve to get the fuck out of here. To live, to chase your dreams. You are so talented, and they are going to see it. You just need to put yourself first, okay?” I beam at her as I tell her how I truly feel. I need her to know how desperate I am for her to get out of here and away from all of this shit. She deserves it, more than anything.
“I love you so much, Essa. You are the best sister anyone could have ever asked for. I promise to call and text you every single day, okay?” I burst out laughing at her eagerness.
“You know you don’t have toeveryday, right? You’re going to college, Holl. Don’t be that one weird person to call home every day. I’ll be fine.”
I don’t tell her this, but the real reason I don’t want her calling and texting every day is because Ben and Sierra don’t know we have phones. They’re nothing special, just those low-income government issued flip phones, but still. I don’t want them to find out we have them and then lose my ability to be able to talk to her at all.
She laughs right along with me, slapping me on the arm “Oh shut up, I want to. Graduation is this weekend, you know?” She apparently feels the need to remind me. I try to resist rolling my eyes, but fail miserably. She shoots a glare at me.
“I haven’t forgotten, I just don’t care. It’s just another day to me. You know that.” I quirk my brow. She knows how I feel about all of that mundane shit. She just rolls her eyes at my indifference.
“Yes, yes, I know you don’t care about those types of things, but I do because it’s a great accomplishment for you. You should be proud.”
“Yeah, all right. Changing the subject now.” I push her and laugh. “Want to have a girls’ day? I noticed Sierra and Ben bought some food for once, so do you wanna veg on the couch with some popcorn and watch a movie? I rented the wholeFast and Furiousseries from the library.” I grin at her because theFast and Furiousmovies are her all-time favorites and I know she’ll make me stay up all night binging them with her.
“Ah damn, you know those are my favorites, otherwise I would havetotallysaid no.” I roll my eyes at her, then jump off bed before she can smack me for it.
“Oh shut up, you know you’re full of shit. You love me and you love these movies, so it’s a no-brainer. I’m going to throw the popcorn in the microwave and meet you on the couch. Don’t take forever or I’ll start without you!” I yell at her as I skip down the hallway.
Shaking my head and laughing to myself quietly, I realize how easy it is to forget all of the bullshit in our lives when we’re together. She is the light in any room you walk through. Her genuine happiness rubs off on anyone and anything, except our piece of shit parents, of course. They don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything but their drugs. Not even Holley’s light can penetrate their dead hearts. They simply remain completely indifferent towards her ninety-nine percent of the time, which is better than the way they could treat her, so I take it as a win in my book.
Scoffing in annoyance at myself for even allowing my thoughts to venture there right now, I pull open the microwave door and throw the popcorn in. Kettle corn of course, because the butter one is disgusting and you get this gross film on the roof of your mouth when you eat it.No thank you.
I stand, twiddling my fucking thumbs until the microwave beeps two minutes later, then carefully grab the corner of the bag and walk over to the couch. I turn the movie on, and flop my ass on the couch to wait for Holley.
