Page 20 of Fiend
“How fucking beautiful are you,” I hum. I can see so much of Essa in her already. I push my index finger under the edge of the hat and lift it off her forehead. Dark brown hair covers her head, sticking up in little puffs. With a smirk, I pull it back down, trailing my finger over her skin again.
She’s so soft.
When I finally tear my teary gaze from her face, I take in the entirety of her. She’s swaddled in a white and blue striped blanket. It seems like it would be uncomfortable, but she’s just snoozing away, which means she must like it.
I’ll admit, I don’t know as much as I should, but at this moment, it doesn’t matter. It all feels so fucking right.
But I wish Essa was here. She was supposed to be the first one to hold her. Skin-on-skin contact, she told me a few weeks ago. She said it’s important for the baby—for regulating temperature and connecting with them.
My eyes dart around the room, looking for the nurse that brought me in here. After a few seconds, her eyes find mine, and she’s over to me in a few seconds flat. “What do you need?”
I feel so fucking clueless, so helpless in this moment, and I hate it. Essa would know exactly what to do. But she’s not here right now, and I have to do it all on my own.
I fucking need her.
“Can I do… skin to skin?” I ask, and the nurse’s eyes light up.
“Of course, sir! Here, hand her to me, and I’ll get her ready.”
I glance back down at my baby girl, watching her twitch and make tiny little noises as she sleeps so fucking peacefully. A wave of possessiveness swarms me at the thought of having to let her go, but I push it down. I’ll have her in my arms again in just a second.
I scoot to the edge of the rocking chair and stand on surprisingly steady legs. I shift my arms until I’m cradling her head in my hand and pass her to the nurse. She smiles down at her before turning away and setting her in the bassinet. She then begins unwrapping the blanket from around her, and I watch all of it, committing it to memory for when I need to do it myself.
I hope I don’t have to do it all by myself. Essa needs to be here. I can’t fucking do this without her.
When the nurse finishes unwrapping her, she glances up at me and quirks her brow. “Sir, you need to take your shirt off, too.”
I blink twice before her words register. “Oh, right.” I grab the hem of my sweat and grime-stained T-shirt and pull it over my head. I toss it on the back of the rocking chair before taking a seat again as she brings my baby girl back to me.
“If you pull the lever on the side, you can recline the back of it a little bit so you can lean back. It makes it easier, and it’s more comfortable for her to be on your chest.”
I lean over the side and reach down, gripping the light-brown handle and pulling it. When it’s where I want it, I lean back and get comfortable. The nurse places my baby girl in my arms, and I tentatively bring her to my chest. She’s curled into herself with her knees almost to her chest and her arms tucked under herself, but when her tiny little head rests just under my neck, she squirms a little before settling again, and I swear on fucking everything, my heart swells so quickly, it’s about to burst from my chest.
The nurse places a blanket over her, and I move my hand to the outside of it, slowly rubbing her back. I look up. “I don’t remember your name, but thank you.”
She smiles back at me. “Charlotte. But you enjoy your time with your daughter. As soon as I have an update about your wife, I will let you know. It should be soon.”
I nod, appreciating her constant updates, and look away, back to my daughter. I can’t believe we made this—Essa and me. She’s us.
The need to close my eyes as the burning sensation in them is almost too much to bear, but Ican’tbring myself to look away from her. I’m afraid if I close them, she’ll disappear, and all of this will just be a dream the monster in me conjured up to torture me in the worst fucking way.
My hand stutters on her back, the thought of that being real too fucking palpable. I swallow harshly and suck in a deep breath, letting all of the bad shit fall away.
I know this little creature needs me—just as much as I need her. And Essa would want me to put her first, always. But I can already see that won’t be a hardship. It’s alreadyright fucking there—the urge to do anything and everything possible to keep this little girl safe.
She’s my hope. My fuckingpeace.She’s my… She’s mypoppy.
Poppy.
My face aches from the persistent smile that refuses to dissipate. I maneuver her lower on my chest until her face is visible in my line of sight. Her tiny lips quiver as she sleeps peacefully, and I can’t resist the urge to press a kiss to her forehead, letting my lips linger on her skin as I breathe in the scent of her.
“My little Poppy,” I whisper, and my voice cracks. Fuck, this hurts. Essa should be here.
I keep my eyes locked on her as I let myself get lost in her. Inthis.
* * *
“Mr. Anthony?” I startle at the sound of my name and my gaze flies up to the nurse, Charlotte.
