Page 133 of My Lovely Tragedy
‘I think you look lovely.’His voice echoes in my mind, so loud and soclear,I jerk up, eyes hopelessly scanning the inside of the car in search of him. But of course, he’s not here. Because he left me alone. Sent me away.
Kept his fucking promise.
What I wouldn’t do to go back to that moment. In the beginning. Even back to yesterday when it was all so… simple. Not this. Not filled with an inescapable tragedy.
I’ve never been a stranger to pain,I think as I shove my—Tobias’s—coat sleeves up to stare at my scars, new and old. In fact, I’ve always searched out disorder and affliction with open arms. It was the only thing that was ever comfortable. Everknown.
But this?
Fuck this.
I’d rather die.
I want you to live. To want to live. Can you live for me?
And his voice, saying those three sentences, is all I can hear anymore. Streaming on an endless loop because he fucking knew I’d do whatever he asked.
Andthat’swhat he wanted.
To ensure a life of missing him—and being unable to do anything about it because he made me fucking promise I wouldn’t hurt myself—not without him.
The selfish, manipulative,beautiful bastard.
“Fuck you, Tobias,” I rasp. “Just…fuck. You.”
* * *
Findingthe studio is more happenstance than a mindful act. After turning Tobias’s phone off, I shoved it in the glovebox, never wanting to see the fuckin’ thing again.
And now, here I am, after driving around for nearly two hours, parked in front of the studio’s main entrance because I didn’t know where else to go. I had a hotel room, but I’m sure that’s long gone. The guys could be staying there still. And I could wait for them, but I also can’t just sit out in the open for however long it would take them to find me.
At least I know this place, the people here.
If they aren’t here, whoever’s inside will be able to call them. And then, it’ll all be over.
I’ll have made it back in one piece… at least on the outside.
Filling my lungs with air I can’t really feel, I grab Tobias’s key fob, then my notebook, and push out of the car. The sound of it slamming closed behind me makes me jump, shoulders skimming my ears. A chill settles around me, drawing my limbs inward to keep whatever heat I have left.
Each step feels heavy with an unseen weight, and the energy it takes to lift one foot off the ground and replace it with another has me completely drained by the time I’m grasping the door handle.
My reflection stares back at me, broken and unrecognizable. I blink. Blink again. I pull open the door and step into the warmth of the lobby.
Jana lifts her head from her computer, a professional smile poised on her lips. “Hello! How can I help yo…” Her mouth falls open, pink painted lips forming a perfect “O.” She jumps to her feet, sending her chair rolling back into the wall with a jarringthwack.I wince, but I try to hide it by curling in a little more, one hand shoved in Tobias’s coat pocket, the other holding my notebook against my abdomen, inside my coat. Out of sight. Only mine.
“Hey,” I murmur, then clear my throat before trying again, hating how fucking weak I sound. “Hey, Jana. Are the guys around?”
“Holyshit.” She blinks at me, hands poised mid-air. “Brooklyn.”
“That’s me.” I give her a pathetic smile, andfuck,if that doesn’t hurt more than breathing.
“Oh, my GOD!” she screams, and this time, I’m unable to hide my flinch. Her hands fly to her mouth, probably smearing her lipstick as she gasps. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Brooklyn. Here—come sit!” She’s frantic as she rounds the large, oval desk and holds her arms out, guiding me to the chairs lined along the far wall, like I don’t already know they’re there.
But I follow her anyway and drop down onto one of the plush ones with arm rests—with good timing too because my legs feel like fucking jelly right now, and the lights are so bright, andfuck,it’s hot in here.
“Don’t—” Her eyes roam over my face frantically, arms fluttering mid-air, unsure whether to touch me or not. Thankfully, she settles onnotas she pulls away. “Don’t move, please. I’ll be right back!” She disappears around the corner, heels clicking obscenely loud as they echo off the walls.
I shove my notebook into the inside pocket of Tobias’s coat because I need both hands to hold my fucking head up as it drops into them.
