Page 143 of My Lovely Tragedy
Nothing like looking into Tobias’s. The depth of garnet—all-consuming.
Dexter pushes himself up and dismantles from my lap. As his weight disappears, I’m instantly replaced with a shivering cold. “Look, B,” he says, scratching at his face. “It’s… kinda a long story.” His face flushes as he winces.
I swallow. Blink. Inhale.One, two, three, three, two, one.Exhale.Tobias.
“It doesn’t matter,” I repeat. Because really, does anything?
“We don’t want you to think we weren’t worried or—or we were—” I shake my head before he’s finished.
“I don’t.”
“But you can’t know that because you don’t know what happened.”
“You trust me enough to let me keep my secrets. I’m just returning the favor.”
“This is different,” he argues from where he sits on Benji’s lap. I manage to give him a weak smile. I don’t think he even realizes how fucking obvious it is. I would’ve seen it sooner if I wasn’t so selfish.
Always been selfish, it seems.
“Yeah, it is, but all that matters is that you’re happy, yeah?” His eyes flicker between mine and Benji’s, who’s stayed surprisingly silent through it all.
“Yeah,” he finally answers. “But it doesn’t bother you?”
“Why would it?”Jesus, I’m so tired.
“Because we’re family.”
“Still family. Through disappearances and lies and apparently, pseudo-incestuous relationships.”
Cobain barks out a laugh behind me, rocking my shoulders. Benji’s face cracks into a smile that he tries to hide as Dexter smacks him in the chest before turning his own grin on me.
“Well, when you say it like that, it just sounds weird.”
“Kinky weird,” Cobain adds. They all burst into hysterics, and the sound of their joy fills the room. Surrounding them like a shimmering blanket of happiness with me trapped on the other side, where it’s cold and empty.
It takes a while for them to give me space, but over three continuous episodes, Benji and Dexter slowly morph closer to one another, congregating on the other side of the couch in a twisted ball of limbs that looks like it would be uncomfortable, but I remember what it felt like to be held that close, and it’s really the most comforting thing in the world.
I dig the heel of my hand into the center of my chest, pushing up and to the left until a dull throb accompanies the feeble beat of my heart.
“Anyone want popcorn?” Cobain shouts from the kitchen. It’s followed by the slam of what sounds like the microwave.
“Oh, I’m gonna go help him before he burns the fucking popcorn.” Dexter scrambles off Benji to run out of the room, messy bun halfway undone and bouncing against his skull with each step. Benji watches him disappear with a small smile.
He catches me looking, and it slowly morphs into a cool simper. I lift a brow as I tug on my necklace. He follows the movement with his own inquiry but then changes the subject after a long moment of nothing.
“I’ve been sending money to your parents,” he says, knocking me off-kilter. I rear back, blinking rapidly. My notebook falls against my side as I rub my eye.
“You have?”
“Yeah, B. Of course, I have.”
“I didn’t think you had access to my accounts,” I reply. But maybe he does; fuck if I know.
“No, I don’t. No one does.” My eyes close.
“Then how?” I’m met with silence. I crack open an eyelid, finding his gaze peering into me.Fuck.“You didn’t have to do that,” I rasp as my throat cinches.
The look he gives me is one akin to,are you fucking serious?
