Page 163 of My Lovely Tragedy
Tumor. Die. Soon.
Beg. Forgive.
Love.
“Lie,” I hiss, shoving away from the window. From the piano. Across the floor and out the door. It swings open behind me, hitting the wall with a reverberating thud I don’t hear, much less feel, as I stare out at the pines. The deepest evergreen, muddled with vibrant shades of Earth and cerulean.
Not white or black or even gray. No messy middle shades. Filled with vibrant colors. With life and reality.Wrongwrongwrong.
I dig my nails into my forearms as they begin to bleed together. Deeper, harder. Piercing and shredding.
I don’t feel it. Why don’t I feel it?
My fingers slip, greasy with a wetness that isn’t supposed to be there, but it’s on my hands, inside me, spilling out, so maybe it is.
I stumble forward, falling into the maw of the trees. Into the lure of darkness that I ran for all those weeks ago. To run when nothing made sense. When the very foundation I built within Tobias was fractured and crumbling.
When he exposed his true form. Every valiant, insidious piece, enveloped in shadows and allure.
When he captured me, and I fell into his sinister solace with open arms.
I find myself there now, palms scraping over jagged branches and piercing needles. Sap clings to my skin, sticky and pungent as I grip a wiry branch to steady myself. Zephyr grazes me from all sides, unseemly as my breath plumes into the air, frenzied and unsteady.
Black and gray swarms around the edges of stinging color. The ground bounces closer, like I’m peering through a magnifying glass before it drops back in a glimmering wave. Wind whistles between my parted lips—a ragged static in my skull.
My slick fingers drag over my lips to feel the rush of air. It’s real, a sharp pull in and out. I drop my hand and stagger forward, searching for that peace I found that night. When it was dark and confusing and I just… let go.
Because he had me. Brutal and relentless and gentle and soft.
“Tobias!” I scream out just as the world flips on its axis. My hands slam into the damp earth, taking most of the impact away from my face, but my nose still jams into the ground with a resounding crunch. Ink swarms. White flashes in odd shapes with the rush of wet heat.
“Ah, God. Fuck.Fuck,” I cry out as I shove myself to my knees, a hand already pressed to my inflamed nose. Blood gushes from my nostrils, soaking my hand and my shirt as it trickles down my forearm in an unnatural warmth.
I fall back on my ass with a grunt, eyes rolling into my skull, right hand flying out to steady myself. I brush something solid and grab onto it for purchase as I wait for the trees to stop spinning around me. Pain throbs heavily between my eyes, radiating down the bridge of my nose.
Metallic salt explodes on my tastebuds and into the back of my throat where it lingers, another slow trickle from the inside. I choke it down with clamped fingers as I draw myself back, eyes on the green-lit canopy encompassed with golden rays.
Even through the blinding pain, it’s beautiful. The kind of place you’d see in movies.
Evergreens and mountains and nature. The smell of pine and… and… my head falls forward as I blink my dry eyes, clearing the film. Copper and pine and… I brush my tongue along my lips, swiping it through the rivulets.
Vanilla and black honey.
Every muscle in my body—even ones I never knew I had—stiffen. Coiled tight as I turn my head, eyes down at the ground. The first glimpse of my hand. Blanched knuckles, bloodless skin stained crimson. Fingers wrapped around something. Round. Hard. Soft and warm.
I stare down at black. Smooth but rumpled beneath my hand. I drag my palm across it. Silky. Familiar. My vision tunnels as I move my hand down. Shiny leather shoes tied perfectly. Up. Over bone and more black material.
Relief.
“Tobias,” I breathe in respite, shaking my head against the disorientation as I clamber to my knees and scramble against him. He’s as warm as I remember as I bury my fingers into the sweater beneath the opened jacket… I blink. It’s blue.
“I like you in blue,” I rasp as I bury my face in his neck andbreathe.Through the blood and the clots, the pain and suffocation,I breathe him in.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left. I missed you so much, but I know you saw me. I saw your song. You heard me sing for you, and after I just—I—I knew I had to come back. It didn’t make sense, and it still doesn’t, and I’m so confused. You’re confusing me, Tobias. I saw your note, but you’re here. What were you talking about? I don’t understand.” They leave me in a rush. Left unanswered.
“Tobias,” I whine into the sanctuary of his flesh. My fingers tighten in his buttery soft sweater, made of something so expensive, I know it cost a fortune. “Tobias.” Softer, smaller.Scared.
“Tobias. Tobias.” I unfurl my fingers. Press them flat. Harder.
