Page 25 of Make Me Pretty
My Three Days Grace CD skips through a song before playing “Pain” next, which inadvertently brings up way too many fucking feelings at once.
Mine for Peris being at the forefront as I shove the rest behind. He’s easier to deal with in that respect. I have a game plan. A solution. To get him to succumb to me. That’s all I want. For him to just fuckingadmitit. Maybe then, he won’t be wound so fucking tight.
It’s disgusting and despicable—what I’m doing. I’m all too aware of my actions and their consequences. I just don’t care.
Peris nabbed my curiosity that night at the school, and I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind since. All I want to do is return the sentiment.
He’s all I can think about, which really isn’t out of the norm, but today just felt… heavier.More.Another real conversation,like the one he tried to have in his car towarn me off.When he said he’d even try to be my friend.
I wanted to laugh in his face, how obtuse he is. When what he’s trying to keep from me is the very thing I’ve been digging for all along. Because I can guess all day long, but the fact is,somethingis very clearly wrong with Peris. And I’m talking like, thefucked uptype of wrong.
Like me.And if that isn’t the biggest fucking joke—developing an obsession with someone who can’t stand me. Which is so par for the course.
But there are these moments… these flashes of something more. And it’s his fear that claws at my core. Undiluted and tasting intimate.
Because I’ve fucked around with homophobes before—the ones who spew slurs and talk shit but secretly want their dick sucked and fucked by me—and Peris doesn’t fit under that category, exactly. It’s evident his hatred stems from a deeply internal place. Something he’s always kept buried, entwined heavily with antipathy.
I’ve never seen him act malicious toward a single person with the rare exception being me and my escapades. Which, after today, I feel his walls arefinallynearing the verge of collapse.
Elise’s face greets me as I enter the kitchen. I’ve been here a couple of weeks now, but the sight of Elise smiling still guts me. I return the gesture, my own forced. It just feels wrong, knowing I am who I am, inadvertently taking advantage of her kindness and generosity, for however long it lasts.
“How was school?” she asks as she takes a sip from a mug.
My footsteps falter. “Erm, fine. Switched English classes, which is kind of annoying in the middle of the semester.”
“Oh? How come?”
I shrug, growing more uneasy, so I rub at the back of my neck. “Doing it online was apparently‘too easy’.”I use air quotes, which makes Elise laugh.
“So, they want to push you to your full potential. That’s definitely a positive.”
“I guess.” Quick to change the subject, I blurt, “Peris is at a practice.”
She nods. “I know. He always starts practicing a bit early in the season.”
“Start?” I scoff. “I don’t think he everstops.” She laughs loudly, dark hair fluttering around her.
“Yeah, you’re definitely right about that.”
I grin slightly, eyes on the table as I shake my head subtly. “Thanks for having me, doc. Really. This has been…” I glance around the kitchen. It’s not big, but it’s not the typical little cut-out I’m used to. Every place I have been has been essentially the same. Except for this place. Contradictory in every way and I’m still swaying from the shift in equilibrium.
It’s getting harder every night I sleep in a bed—a bed that’s allmine—to remind myself this is fucking temporary. To not get used to it. To keep every guard up, stronger and sharper than ever. Doors of steel bolted shut.
But it’s warm. Calm. And, surprisingly, it feels like a home. Notmyhome but homely. I’ve never felt it before, but I assume this is what it feels like. So, to have it taken away…
Elise waits patiently for me to finish my train of thought, but I lose it along with my resolve.
“You don’t have to keep thanking me, Abel. It’s the least I could do.” She’s sincere, too. I don’t know if that’s better or worse. When I inevitably fuck it all up… Especially if Peris and I keep dancing around each other the way we have been.
I click my tongue, tugging on my hair hanging in front of my eyes. “I don’t have to say it for you to get an idea of what it’sbeen like for me.” A quick glance tells me she’s following along. I swallow against a lump, gritting my teeth as I do. “But I’ve had to do some unsavory shit to get by. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not proud of it. And I’m certainly not ashamed—I can’t be. But it’s also not something Iexactlywant to do, if I don’t have to, yanno. And, well… I haven’t had to. So… yeah. I do have to thank you for that.” My scalp burns where my hair is clenched tightly between the fingers of my left hand.
It's quiet, so quiet my stomach fills with dread and something akin to real, unbridled shame.Did I just fuck up by saying that? I… I would never give specifics, but it’s really not hard to infer, especially with what she knows from that night at the ER and the injuries I refused to speak about. She knows—she knows,and she’s going to kick me out on my ass. You stupid?—
Arms encase me on either side in a soft enclosure. I stiffen, shoulders hiking to my stretched earlobes as Elise wraps me in a hug. She drops her head beside mine, soft breath funneling against my overheated skin. I’m still chilled to the bone from my walk, but my blood is boiling, causing sweat to bead along my pores.
I keep my arms at my sides, unsure of how to participate. After what is probably only a minute but feels like twenty lifetimes, Elise slowly pulls away, a small smile on her soft, pink lips. She tucks a lock of white hair behind my ear, and it’s that gesture that makes my nose burn. The sensation radiates up and into my eyes.
Stepping back, I blink rapidly to rid myself of the feeling. “Are you okay?” she asks, never looking away from my eyes. Jutting out my chin, I nod sharply. She accepts the answer and takes her chair at the table again.
