Page 58 of Ruinous Need
I take a deep breath. “I feel like you’ve been withdrawn since I told you about my endo.”
Pain flashes across his face. “I hurt you.”
“But there was no way you could’ve known. You didn’t do anything wrong. I enjoyed the sex, a lot.”
Heat colors in my cheeks as I remember the way he gripped my hips while he drove into me. “I like it rough and my endo changes nothing. All I need is for you to listen to me, if I tell you that it’s too much.”
“Of course.” He nods quickly and relaxes a little. “I worry that I’ll hurt you. I always end up hurting the people I love, or putting them in danger.”
I snuggle against him and he wraps an arm around me. “It hurts me more when you act like I don’t exist. That’s worse than this.”
“How is the pain now?”
I make a face. “A little better. I think my period is on the way, so it’s always a tricky time, anyway. When I was doing ballet, it was always hard to explain why I would disappear from rehearsals at least once a month.”
“Is that why you stopped?”
“How do you know that?”
He scoffs at that, pinching my arm. “I followed you for a week, Lisette. I know a lot about you. I saw you teaching. I never saw you rehearsing.”
“I stopped…” My throat gets tight. My voice comes out in a croaky whisper.
Every time I think about it, I’m a terrified 18-year-old again, overwhelmed by the chance to save her mother and at the thought that she’ll be ripped away from her family forever.
I take a deep breath. It happened. I’ve accepted it. And now that I’m weeks away from my fate, there’s no changing it.
“The Pakhan chose me while I was dancing in my first show for the New York City Ballet. Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring.”
I wince when I think about it. My casting was controversial. I was young, and inexperienced, and when I missed rehearsals because of my endo flare-ups… The older dancers would make fun of me. Saying that I was a child who should go back to high school and get out of their way.
Kyle was my only supporter. He was popular with the others, but he was also kind to me, reminding me they were speaking like that because they were jealous.
Once I performed, I would prove them all wrong, he told me. That’s what the choreographer and producers told me as well. I couldn’t help but feel that those experienced dancers must be right, anyway. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be there.
“At first, he just left a ton of flowers in my dressing room. Which was nice. I had no fans, so the positive response overwhelmed me. I thought he was… I don’t know, a powerful admirer. We never spoke, but I recognized him.”
“And then he asked you on a date?”
I shake my head, confused. Maybe it’s the brain fog, but it seems like Viktor believes Iwantedto get engaged to Semyon at eighteen.
“I wouldn’t have said yes to that. I’ve met him once, Viktor.”
He’s silent for a moment. “I thought… It doesn’t matter. How did you get engaged, then?”
“I came home on a Monday, which was the one day we had off from performing, and he was there, talking to my father. I’ll never forget how my father looked. Not terrified, even though Semyon had brought this giant guard with him. My father looked guilty when he made eye contact with me. I knew then that something bad was about to happen.”
Viktor’s hands tighten around me. “I see. He made your father an offer.”
I nod, unable to stop the tears from falling now. “Mom was sick. Cancer. Nothing was making it go into remission. Semyon could get the miracle drug, which would have cost us millions.”
Viktor wipes away my tears. “I’m so fucking sorry, Lisette.”
“And all I had to do was marry him. I agreed, because my mother’s life was at stake.”
Viktor’s hands are steady on my shoulders, his breathing even. Only his eyes reveal the rage burning inside him.
“I quit the City Ballet once he chose me. My professional ballet career lasted all of one week.” I can’t help the bitterness creeping into my voice. “I couldn’t perform anymore. Because of him. But I thought it might have the added bonus of putting him off.”
