Page 123 of Rocky Mountain Devil
His lips twitched for a second before he grew serious again. “This isn’t something to joke about. I can’t do it. I can’t go to that funeral and listen to people talk about Ben without wanting to stand up and tell them it’s my fault he’s dead.”
And he told her what happened that night, and by the time he reached the final part of his confession, her heart ached at the pain in his voice.
“When he started in on you and Allison, I lost my temper. We fought… Actually, I was a coward and a bully, and called him every name in the book before I left him to die. He must’ve had his heart attack right after that.”
Guilt. Hoo boy, did she know what a number that could play on a person.
“I lost control, Laurel. I didn’t take my fists to him, but I as good as killed him with my words.” Rafe sounded wrecked. “It’s what burst out of me, and I can’t help but think… What if I do that? Maybe Ben deserved it, I don’t know, but what happens when, down the road,youdo something, and I get pissed off? What if we’re together and raising a family—what’s going to stop me from turning into Ben and lashing out at our kids someday?”
“You won’t,” Laurel promised him. “It’s not you.”
“It certainly was that night,” he insisted. “Easiest fucking thing in the world to rake him over the coals.”
“Oh, Rafe. Trust me, I know exactly what kind of frustration your father could trigger. Ms. Lippy, remember? You and me both lost our tempers with him. He knew exactly which strings to pull to piss us off.”
She stroked his shoulders, made hopeful by the fact that even though he was trying to convince her that he needed to leave, that he wasn’t good enough for her, he was clinging to her like a lifeline.
“I’m sorry that’s your last memory of him.” Laurel considered her words carefully. “Remember the doctor told your mom he was surprised it didn’t happen sooner, considering how bad Ben’s heart was.”
Stubbornly, Rafe didn’t say anything.
“Ben was broken,” she said. “Maybe you should have— No, you’re right, youshouldhave kept your temper, but your father chose a path that made him miserable, inside and out, andthat’swhat killed him, no matter how much you shouted.”
“I don’t know that for sure. Ican’tknow that—so this guilt is mine to bear.”
“Then let me help you carry it,” she offered. “Because you don’t have to be alone, Rafe.”
He pressed his face to her neck and held her tightly. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make you have to carry this burden, either.”
“Because you’re protecting me?” she asked.
He shrugged.
Laurel curled her arms around his body and held on tight. “Because I’m someone who means a lot to you, and you don’t want to hurt me. And I understand that, and I appreciate it, but I’m not made of tissue, baby. I’m strong enough to be there for you.”
“It’s like there’s a fire inside my gut,” Rafe whispered. “And my brain keeps going in circles with all the different options that I didn’t pick. In spite of the fire, something inside feels cold and broken—”
“—and it feels like every person who looks at you has to know exactly what you’ve done, and you can’t figure out why they’re not backing away from you in disgust.”
Rafe’s grip loosened until he could pull them far enough apart to look into her eyes. “How…?”
“How do I know what guilt feels like? Soul-shattering, heart-breaking guilt?” Laurel took a deep breath. “I have to tell you something that no one else knows, and it might be tough to hear, but I need you to listen.”
Maybe it was the lost tone in her voice that got through, but Rafe sat silently, waiting, his body tight under her.
“Long story short. Jeff broke up with me then took off for a month. That’s when I discovered I was pregnant.”
A soft curse escaped Rafe’s lips.
She hurried on. “I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him ‘doing the right thing’ for the sake of the baby. I wanted us to be together because we loved each other, but he blew me off, I swear he did. So I left school and went to my aunt’s to decide what came next. I miscarried the baby at four months.”
“I’m sorry.” Rafe brushed his fingers over her face, his expression going sorrowful. “God, I’m sorry I didn’t know this back when Allison and Gabe… That must have been so hard.” He let loose another softly uttered curse. “Now I understand better why seeing Jeff threw you for a loop in the first place. Why you have doubts.”
“I should have told you sooner,” she admitted. “But ever since, I’ve been struggling to find my way back to happiness. It’s been tough.”
“Nothing you did made you miscarry,” he reminded her.
Laurel hesitated. She didn’t want this to be about her, but he needed to know she understood guilt and regret. “I know, but it could have been. Rafe.” She looked him in the eye and let out a long slow breath. “I had made an appointment at an abortion clinic.”
