Page 119 of Rocky Mountain Home
He ignored Dare’s whisper and rushed on. “I thought the good-girl bullshit Vicki was pulling would fall away, and when Joel got home he could decide what to do about her lying ass. He wouldn’t have been happy, but I figured after he beat the crap out of me, we’d eventually get over it.”
“I think Joel would have killed you, but go on.”
She was probably right.
“Instead, I crawled in, and hell on earth happened.” He took a deep breath then rushed forward. “I didn’t touch her, I swear I didn’t, but then she rolled over and pressed her face to my chest. She even fucking said my name. Jesse. Straight up said it, and I thought she was picking door number one.”
He couldn’t meet Dare’s eyes. He stared at the clock on the wall beside the door to the hospital hallway and forced the words to come. “But then she started crying. Soft at first and then these body-shaking sobs. The whole time she’s apologizing to Joel for coming between us. Saying how she’ll go away, and things can go back to how they were before. How she hates that Jesse is miserable. That she loves Joel so much, but she wasn’t worth tearing his family apart.”
A soft rush of air escaped Dare from the bed, but she didn’t speak.
Jesse looked at her face, searching for a clue of what she was feeling, but it was unreadable. “It broke me, Dare. All thoughts of… Hell, I don’t know. Whatever childish ideas I arrived with vanished. I’d been so fucking jealous, and without even trying, that girl smacked me hard enough to beat some sense into my stupid brain.”
Dare sat in silence for long enough Jesse’s heart had time to crawl up into his throat. Her face went through a multitude of expressions until she nodded slowly then spoke quietly. “Vicki and Joel don’t know, do they?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think so. After she went off like that all I wanted to do was escape. I patted her on the back and whispered some nonsense to calm her down. The whole time it felt like boiling oil was dripping on my soul. She finally fell asleep, her fingers clutching my shirt.” A shirt that was soaking wet from her tears. The memory of that night refused to fade. “I got the hell out of there before Joel came home, and I swore I’d change things.”
“But things still aren’t right, are they?”
“No. Because every time I planned to make a move to fix things, I’d take one look at Vicki and guilt would gut me. She was so ready to give up her own happiness for Joel, for me, and I was so fucking selfish—”
“You’ve spent two years going out of your mind every time you saw her.”
Jesse shrugged. “I suppose. Last February I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, and there was no use in even trying. That’s when I left.”
For the next sixty seconds Dare examined him, her gaze drifting over his face. It didn’t feel as if she was judging him though, but as if she was truly trying to find the next step to take.
That’s what came out when she spoke. “I’ll ask the question again, since this whole conversation started when I brought up the idea of moving to Rocky. What do you want to do? Do you not want to come back? Because we don’t have to. Not if it’s going to hurt you to be around your family.”
This was too incredulous to believe. They were calmly discussing what he’d done. She was talking to him. She hadn’t thrown him out, she wasn’t looking at him with disgust.
He couldn’t speak above a whisper, too raw inside. “How can you do this? How can you take in what I told you and look at me without being sick?”
Dare actually rolled her eyes. “Jesse Coleman, put the drama queen away. I’m not an idiot, and I’m pretty sure you’re not one either. Or at least not most of the time. You did a shitty thing, and you shouldn’t have done it, but it’s in the past. Years in the past, and you’re still kicking yourself daily. It’s time to be done and move on.”
“But—”
She smacked a hand onto the mattress angrily before ordering him onto the bed next to her. Then she caught his fingers in hers and squeezed them tightly. “You’re wrong about one thing. You said nothing happened, but something did. You got changed by what happened. You learned something about Vicki and Joel that should have made you happy for them. What happened was you chose to focus on what you did wrong, instead of what they had that’s right. Move on, Jesse. It’s time to move on.”
Rafe had made some comment to that same effect, but it seemed impossible to believe. “Maybe I need to go talk to Joel.”
She sat up straight and fire came into her eyes. She dropped his fingers and grabbed hold of his chin so she could shake his head firmly. “No. That’s the one thing you can’t do.”
“But shouldn’t I?”
“Why? Will it make him feel better? Or will it hurt him even more? A confession that hurts other people isn’t you asking for forgiveness, it’s you being more interested in yourself and what you need. That’s not a confession, that’s masturbation.” She slapped his cheek lightly then let her hands fall back in her lap.
“Jeez, Dare.”
“I mean it,” she said sternly. “Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy.”
“What if he finds out? Wouldn’t it be even worse to find out from someone other than me?”
“Who else knows? I mean, I swear I’ll never tell.”
Jesse made a face. “Rafe knows.”
“Right.” Understanding dawned in her eyes. “That’s why he gave you the black eye—I like him, by the way.”
