Page 70 of The Cowgirl's Secret Love
Finn stayed silent for a bit, and then he held out a hand over the edge of his armrest. The chairs were far enough apart she had to be willing to reach the other direction and meet him in the middle.
She lifted her fingers to his.
A second later, she was tangled up tight in his firm grip, and the warning signs about imminent tears grew sharper. Dammit, this had to be hormonal, because shewasn’tthis weepy and out of control.
When he didn’t say anything for a bit, Karen slowly relaxed.
A different kind of tension rose. The kind where she realized he’d been honest about what he wanted, and while she wasn’t sure what the hell was going on, if she was going to give more than lip service to this relationship, she had to be honest as well.
“I feel as if there’s this big black cloud hanging over me.” The words came out through an aching throat.
She glanced to her left to find Finn still staring into the fire. Nodding slowly.
“That’s not typical. Or it wasn’t, not five years ago. You got any idea why?” he asked.
She shook her head before realizing he couldn’t see her. “No. I don’t.” Frustration struck as well. “Okay, I know one thing that’s upset me, but I just need to get over it.”
He lifted his head and met her gaze. “Want to talk about it? You know I can keep a secret.”
His comment hadn’t been meant to make her laugh, but it did. “You definitely can keep a secret.” She grew serious. “I know my dad’s trying, but every time I’m around him, I keep expecting the same old responses I’ve had for the past umpteen years. I don’t enjoy spending time with him, and that’s absolutely shitty.”
His grip on her fingers tightened. “It’s not shitty. It’s real.”
“I feel so guilty. I mean, Julia wants to get to know her dad, and to her, this earnest guy is the only one she’s ever had to deal with. Tamara focuses on him being grandpa, and that seems to help. Lisa is like a duck and water just runs right off her back. But I don’tlikehim.” The admission nearly caught in her throat. “I worked with him for too many years. I know he’s done some really nice things lately, but…”
The understanding on his face didn’t wash away any of the guilt but at least didn’t add to it.
“A little while back he explained to Lisa he was trying, in some twisted way, to protect us. He figured being chased off the ranch would keep us from being hurt or killed, like the accident that took Mom. Which is fucked up and not right. It hurts to think of the time and energy I spent trying to make the ranch better, and all the while, he never wanted me there.”
Silence echoed for a moment. The fire crackled while her heart pounded after the harsh confession.
Then Finn tossed a grenade of his own. “I’m angry—so very angry—at the thought of how you were treated. And while your father did some things right, I don’t respect how he treated you. It makes it tough to think about doing anything with him, and I’m only feeling this secondhanded. I didn’t have to put up with the bullshit you did for so many years.”
Karen pulled her hand free to dig in her pocket for some tissue. This was no longer a no-crying zone, although—for now at least—her eyes were only leaking instead of her having full-out sobs.
Finn’s expression went stone-cold. “Don’t answer if you don’t want to. Did he ever do anything sexually wrong to any of you girls?”
Shock slammed her system. She shook her head vigorously. “Never. We’ve talked about it, too. My sisters and our cousin Anna. A no-holds-barred type of conversation when the whole Me Too topic started, so I know that’s not a secret hiding in the Coleman family past.”
The hard ridges of his expression softened slightly. “I’m glad. But don’t go thinking just because you didn’t have to deal with that issue that it means what you did put up with is minor. Because it’s not.”
His warning came at the exact moment she’d already been heading down that path.
He was right.
Didn’t make it any easier to ignore the rush of guilt. She’d had a roof overhead, food on the table, and a job to do. There’d been plenty of good things in her world—
She still hurt inside.
Karen spoke slowly, trying to put into words her biggest issue. “I spent a lot of years being told I wasn’t good enough, and that sinks in, no matter how much I didn’t want it to. And it doesn’t matterwhyhe did it, it was wrong.”
“It was totally wrong. You didn’t deserve it then, and you don’t deserve this now.” Finn leaned forward, looking to catch her gaze again. “This isn’t something that will change overnight.”
“I know.”
He dipped his chin. “Your dad’s not the only person I’m angry at,” he admitted. “I have to be careful to not let the anger inside come out at the wrong moments. It’s something I’ve been working on over the last couple of years.”
Karen waited, but he didn’t say anything more about the source of his anger. She figured he would when he was ready. The more important point now was the other part. “How do you work on it? Punching bags? Ballroom dancing?”
