Page 106 of Vicious Behaviors
“That’s when I knew something viscerally changed in me that night. That I’d never be rid of him. That he’d gotten a taste of blood and carnage and wouldn’t leave me alone until I gave more to him. That’s when I realized I was no match for the devil. He lives and breathes inside me. That will never change.”
After telling Alejandro everything, he doesn’t speak immediately. He just sits beside me, letting the quiet fill the empty cathedral, the purposeful silence somehow calming my erratic mind.
“You were just a child, Marcello,” he says softly after a while. “A scared boy who was thrown into things too big, too cruel for his young age. For any age. That other… side of you… it’s not who you are. It’s a byproduct of your trauma. You’re still in control. You’re still you.”
I swallow hard, trying to force the storm to settle. “How can you be so sure?”
He meets my gaze, steady and calm. “Because in all these years you lived infused in such darkness, you’ve never hurtanyone you love. Not once. And you never will. You’ve made bad choices, yes, but show me a man who hasn’t?” he says comfortingly. “You alone are the master of your fate. Not the devil. Not that monster that whispers in your ear. All these years, he’s lied to you in making you believe that he was the one in control. But he’s not. You’re not a puppet to it. It serves you, not the other way around.”
I let his words sink in, feeling them thread through the tension that has been coiled in my chest for years. Unlike Father McDonagh, Alejandro doesn’t lecture me for confessing the very same sin. He doesn’t scold me or condemn me. He simply offers hope when I thought there was none to be had. And for the first time in a long time, I feel the slightest relief.
I rise to my feet, murmuring a quiet, “Thank you, Father.”
Alejandro follows my cue and stands up, placing his hands on my shoulders. “There is another lie that you’ve been telling yourself,” he says, with a sad expression on his face.
“And that is?”
“This darkness inside you has made you believe that you are all alone in the world. But I can guarantee you that you’re not. You are loved, Marcello. Don’t hide your pain from those who seek to give you only happiness.” His parting remark hits me harder than I expected, leaving me at a loss for words. “Go home, Marcello. Rest. Sleep easy in the knowledge that you have people who care for you. Rest knowing that you can come here to His house and always be welcomed with open arms.”
Alejandro’s words follow me all the way home. Is he right? Am I the one in control? Do I even have a say in my own life without the devil susurrating in my ear?
However harrowing the retelling of that memory was for me, I must admit that Alejandro’s attentive and nonjudgmental ear did ease the knot in my chest. I’m just not so sure that everyone I love would take my truth as easily as Alejandro did.
As I turn the key to my house, I freeze in place, afraid of what I’ll find inside. Two times has Izzie come close to meeting the monster in me. Twice did I manage to stop myself from letting it loose on her. What if I’m unable to stop him a third time? Will there even be a third time, considering that half of me expects to find Izzie gone after the way I treated her earlier? Not that I would blame her. However, it’s the other part of me that is still fixated on Alejandro’s words that dares to hope.
Don’t hide your pain from those who seek to give you only happiness.
If anyone has ever brought me any semblance of happiness, it’s Izzie.
I take a deep breath and step inside to find her lying on the mattress in the middle of my living room, her eyes lifted toward the ceiling as if counting the minutes for my return. The knot in my chest instantly loosens, a mix of relief and something lighter that I can’t quite name.
I strip off my clothes, my fingers trembling slightly as I lift the bedsheet and slide behind her. The warmth of her body melts into mine, and I wrap my arms around her waist as if only her heat could warm up my weary bones.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her hair, my lips brushing the nape of her neck. “I’m sorry for what I said and how badly I treated you before leaving earlier.”
“I know,” she whispers back.
“Thank you for staying. I was afraid you’d left.”
She leans into my embrace, sighing softly, the sound pulling at my heartstrings
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” she murmurs, her fingers tracing faint lines across my forearm.
I hide my face in the crook of her neck and inhale her scent. For the first time in what feels like forever, I can breathe. She’s here. I’m here. And that’s enough.
“Thank you,” I repeat.
“For what?” she asks, turning her head slightly, as to force me to look deep into her eyes.
“For not running away from this when I’ve given you so many reasons to leave me.”
She turns around in my embrace and presses her forehead to mine, breathing me in. “You’re not the only one who’s scared,” she confesses.
“Did I scare you?”
“Not knowing where you were and if you were safe scares me.”
“I know.” I nod, pulling her closer.
