Page 90 of Jump-Start
It’s the reason why I can’t go home to him, even though being with him would ease the pain in my chest.
A warm breeze travels over my body again, but this time, I manage to feel it everywhere. It gives me hope that the numbness is eventually going to wear off, but I have yet to experience the pain from the cut on my hand. It’s drenched one of my tissues already, so I pull out another one and press it to my palm. My eyes fall shut before I hear the flutter of wings right next to me on the bench. Without looking, I know it’s the little starling bird I’ve grown so fond of. Without looking, I know my Papa heard me.
“Hi, Papa,” I start, more tears burning my eyes as I stare at the bird next to me. I place a piece of bread on the bench in front of him, and he picks at it. “Everything’s gone to shit,” I go on in Italian, a laugh escaping my lips. It’s humorless and dry, which is probably why it sends an awful shiver down my spine.
A couple walks by me, watching my exchange with the bird, and I let out another laugh, this one directed at myself. My dream is in ruins, and I’m speaking to a bird. Yeah, maybe not the best thing I could be doing at this moment, which is why I wait until I’m by myself again to continue my conversation. I pull my legs to my chest on the bench and wrap my arms around them, placing another piece of bread in front of the starling bird.
“You probably already know this, but I’ve fallen for a Formula One World Champion who is both the best parts of me and the worst.” I scrunch my eyebrows together because that probably doesn’t make much sense. “He’s stubborn, strong-headed, and a pain in the ass, just like I am. But he’s also compassionate, determined, and a fighter. He has such a big heart, Papa, bigger than anyone else in the world, even if he doesn’t show it to everyone. In a way, if I’m being honest, it makes me feel special to be one of the few who gets to feel the pure, raw impact of it,” I say, pressing my legs further into my chest as the waves of emotion overwhelm me to the point of pain.
It hurts to breathe.
“My whole life, I’ve been so, so scared of failure. Of feelings too. I stopped fighting instead of pursuing a professional career because I lost a few matches, and it terrified me. I thought I wasn’t good enough and because I was so obsessed with improving, getting better and stronger, I let it go entirely. At least that way it was my choice and not because I failed and got rejected,” I explain out loud for the first time in my life.
The little starling bird flutters his wings at me while tears drop down my cheeks, and it almost feels like he’s encouraging me to keep talking. To let go of of what’s weighing on my chest.
“Leonard meanseverythingto me. Disappointing him, becoming a failure in his eyes, is by far one of the worst things I could ever do, which is probably why I’m not with him right now. Even as every fiber of my existence is pulling me toward home, I’m glued to this fucking bench, talking to a bird I’ve convinced myself is you, Papa,” I go on, shaking my head and crying even harder than before. “I didn’t take well enough care of my dream, of the one thing Leonard was truly betting his money on. I lost it all now, and there is no way to punish Tim for what he’s done.”
I haven’t felt the urge to kick someone’s ass since after the meeting Leonard had with his team and Jonathan. It was the day Jonathan won and told everyone—after cheating his way to the win of the Grand Prix—that he could be the World Champion this year. Leonard told me every horrible thing his teammate said during the meeting, and I wanted to hurt the asshole for the way he’s been treating the man I love. But it’s been a while since I truly wanted to get into a fight, until today. Until I saw everything in pieces, and I wanted to break Tim’s nose. Make his outside just as ugly as his inside is.
“How am I meant to face Leonard when Tim’s obsession with me caused all of this? I can’t. He’s spent so much money on me, and it’s all lost now. I know we’re meant to be business partners on this, but how can it work when one partner invests and the other can’t carry their weight? Instead, I’m the reason it was all destroyed,” I say and let my head drop onto my knees while a sob slips past my lips.
I really have to find a way to stop crying.
“Please tell me you’re not actually blaming yourself for this?” Graham’s familiar voice comes from behind me, and I turn to see him standing there, a lazy half-smile on his handsome face.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” I tease, and he frowns down at me, placing one of his hands on my head and gently stroking my hair for a moment.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Graham whispers as he brings his lips to the side of my head, one of his arms wrapping around from behind and settling across my collarbones.
“It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me,” I reply, more feelings spilling from the corners of my eyes.
“If the world ran out of oranges tomorrow, would you blame yourself for the shortage because you ate one when you were five?” he asks, and I’m not quite sure why he’s bringing oranges, my least favorite fruit, into this conversation.
“No, of course not. But that’s not the same thing, and you know it,” I reply, but Graham merely kisses the side of my head and shoos the bird away without addressing how weirded out he must be.
“I think you know this isn’t your fault, and I also think you should go home before my brother loses his shit. He’s been looking for you for hours,” Graham tells me, and a wave of guilt instantly travels through my chest. I take out my phone to text Leonard.
Chiara
I’m fine. Just need a bit more time.
More time to process.
More time to try and overcome the fear in my chest.
More time to find the breath in my lungs again without it hurting.
My phone vibrates a second after I hit Send on the message, Leonard’s name popping up.
Leonard
Please come home to me, sweetheart.
He wants me to come home, to the apartment I know has become ours, but he’s the only one paying for it. God, I need to stop thinking like this.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Leonard? I told you I was fine with it because I knew you’d eventually hook up. So, why? Why’d you keep this from me?” he asks, and I shake my head, tightening my arms around my legs and letting out a sigh.
“Because this had nothing to do with you. You moved to New York. You left me! I love you, but we drifted apart, and telling you while you were so goddamn far away from me seemed impossible. I know this sounds like excuses, and maybe they are, but I was so happy with Leonard and didn’t want to risk anything threatening that happiness.”
