Page 9 of Jump-Start
“Sounds serious. Did I forget to flush after I peed or something?” I joke, but Graham’s face is as serious as mine is most of the time.
“No, it’s something you’re not going to like very much,” he says, and I suck in a silent, sharp breath.
“Lulu is coming over in five minutes, so if it’s something serious, you might want to wait until she leaves again,” I remind him, but he shakes his head, and I forget how to breathe altogether. Fuck, this can’t be good at all. Graham is never this serious. God, I’m sweating.
“I’m moving to New York for half a year,” he blurts out, sending a wave of shock through me. I almost burst into laughter because this must be a horrible joke.
“No, you’re not,” I reply, and he settles down on the coffee table to be right in front of me. I drag my legs up on the couch to give him space for his. The brown in his eyes is darker, colder today.
“I have to get out of here for a little while, Chiara. I have to. I’ve never traveled in my entire life, and I just got a bonus from my babysitting boss. It’s good money. Enough to let me get out there, travel a bit, and clear my head.” Under different circumstances, I’d be thrilled for him. But… I can’t be. Not when I’ve been killing myself working four jobs to support myself and get a few bucks on the side to save up forourdream.
“What about our gallery? I thought we were in this together, Graham!” Panic floods through me, but I shove it down. I let anger consume me instead. It’s a horrible decision, but I can’t believe he’s doing this to us.
“I feel stuck, my love. I can’t keep going on like this. I’m not happy.” He isn’t happy. I know we don’t have the easiest of lives, neither one of us does, but I find joy in his presence every single time we’re even five minutes together. “I barely see you, Chiara. You’re working so much, and I don’t have a life outside of you and my family. I need to go find it, but I don’t think I will in England. I have a friend in New York, who doesn’t mind me staying with him for a while.” Nausea bubbles up in my throat. I might throw up. This can’t be happening. Am I dreaming?
“You’re leaving me,” I whisper because that fucking hurts. There is a reason why I’ve never been in a real relationship. It was to avoid heartbreak. Well, fuck me. Should have known the only person who could rip my heart to shreds was Graham.
“I’m not leaving you. I will be back in six months, hopefully rejuvenated and happier. I will still pay rent, don’t worry, but it’s time I do this. You cannot tell me you’re happy with the way things are, Chiara. You can’t tell me you like being in my presence when all I’ve been these days is an emotional wreck.”
Except he didn’t let me see that side of him, did he? Whenever we were together, he was his giddy and happy self. He didn’t let me detect anything was off. Nothing at all. And now I feel like a horrible friend because the man I love the most in the world was struggling with his life, and I was so goddamn busy I didn’t notice. Tears sting my eyes, but I blink them away. It works mostly, except the pressure behind my eyes remains.
“I’m sorry you feel this way, and you’re right, you need to do this trip. If you’re unhappy, you have to go, I understand. Your mental health comes first, always.” I mean every single word, but it’s hard not to burst into tears while saying them because I will miss him with every fiber of my being.
“Don’t give me that approving bullshit, Chiara. You’re mad at me, and I’m going to need you to yell.” I shake my head, forcing a small smile to my lips.
“No, you need this. I understand.”
I do understand. I get it. I wish I could escape this life I’ve built for myself too. I wish I didn’t have to work four jobs to get by. I wish my bosses had given me some extra money. Then again, if they gave me a bonus, I’d invest it in our dream as soon as it hit my bank account. Graham isn’t as passionate about it as I am, but that’s fine. Everything will be fine. I just have to remind myself of that and not think about the fact that I’ve never lived by myself and it’s more than a little frightening. I don’t want to be alone.No. I don’t want to belonely, and I’ve been lonely for many years in ways I’ve never wanted to explore. Well, now I will get enough time to overthink it.
“Yell at me, for fuck’s sake, Chiara. I know you. You aren’t this quiet when you’re upset about something. Leonard and you always yell at each other, and I need you to do the same with me now. Don’t let me off the hook so easily. I’m being bloody selfish, and I deserve to get it thrown at my head,” my best friend screams at me, and I decide to get up and away from this situation.
I will not yell at him for prioritizing his mental health. It’s not who I am. Mamma struggled with depression for several years when I was younger. She taught me how important it is to put your mind first, no matter what. I haven’t paid much attention to my own, so I admire what Graham is doing. If I wasn’t broke and determined to achieve my dream, I’d follow him. No hesitation. No second thought or shit given.
“You’re doing the right thing, Graham. I won’t yell at you. I do, however, need some air,” I say and grab my jacket, phone, keys, and umbrella. My hands are shaking, and I haven’t quite found a way to make them stop yet. I just need to walk off this anxiety. That’s all.
“Chiara, you can’t leave now. Please, luv, scream. I need you to,” he begs, and I let out a low growl.
“You want me to yell? Fine, I will yell. I fucking love you, okay? I’m proud of you for putting yourself first. Am I mad at myself because our little life together didn’t make you happy and I didn’t notice? Fuck yes, but only because I want to be a better friend. I’m not mad at you, idiot! You’re my best friend, Graham, and I will always want what’s best for you. All I need is to process this. Alright? Give me a fucking minute to swallow all of this,” I yell, just like he wanted me to.
He stays silent as I rub my temples, ignoring the cool metal of my keys as it presses against my cheek. My lungs are burning because my breathing is unbearably uneven. Graham doesn’t say another word, so I walk toward the door, ripping it open just as Lulu tries to knock.
“What the hell happened?” she asks, her gaze shifting between Graham and me.
Lulu is half-English, half-Japanese with black straight hair, and beautiful hazel eyes. She’s curvy and short and straight-up gorgeous. Every time I see her, I can’t help admiring her beauty, but today might be the first day I’m incapable of doing so. There is confusion pulling her eyebrows together, but I don’t bother explaining. I give her a single kiss on the cheek before leaving the building.
I have no fucking clue where I’m going, but I haven’t found a way to calm my breathing either. My hands tremble so aggressively, I shove them into the pockets of my jacket to get them to stop, but it’s useless. It only makes my entire body shake because I’m going to be all alone. Yes, I have Mamma and Lulu, but they live far away from me. When I get home at night, I will be all alone. I won’t have Graham there with me, spending time with me until it’s time for my bartending shift. I won’t have my best friend, roommate, and part of my family for six months. Six long months. It might not seem like a lot to other people, but I’ve never even been truly alone for a single day in my life, which I know makes me very fortunate. I know that, but it’s also the reason why I can’t stop the panic from constricting my breathing.
“What the hell?” I ask and clutch my chest, heaving as if I’d just gone on my first run in five years.
I keep walking without a destination in mind, only now realizing I didn’t open my umbrella. My clothes are already halfway soaked by the time I manage to open it, but, since I have some of the worst luck on the planet during my lowest times, the wind rips the umbrella to shreds. If my body wasn’t hyperventilating from fear, I might cry. I might start shedding tears, and I haven’t done that in years. I curse and yell at that piece-of-shit umbrella in my hand before finding the closest garbage can and violently throwing it inside. I really can’t catch a fucking break.
“Anything else you want to do to me?” I ask the universe while tilting my head back and letting the rain hit my face in a steady motion that should be calming. Instead, it pisses me off so much, I feel the urge to go punch a wall.
“Get in,” I hear someone call over the rain, but I don’t turn to look at that person. It can’t be him. I wasn’t seriously challenging the universe to throw more shit at me. I really wasn’t. “Starling, get in the car before you catch a bloody cold.” Leonard. I let out a breath before facing his million-dollar Mercedes—I’m well aware it doesn’t cost that much—and crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“I’m quite content with where I am,stronzo,” I lie, which makes him sigh from inside his car.
His beautiful eyes shift to me, his full lips so serious and inviting, I get frustrated with him for being as handsome as he is. And not just handsome. He’s powerful in so many ways, from his appearance to the good he’s achieving in the world. He pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a loud sigh.
