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Adrian opens his arms for me when I’ve hit play on the movie, and I bury myself in them, nuzzling into his side.
“If you fall asleep, try not to snore so much this time, yeah?” he asks after a while, and I push off him to show him the scowl on my face.
Adrian places his arms under his head while smirking, looking like sex on a platter. Not good… not good at all. I lie on his chest again and smack his stomach.
“I won’t snore if you contain your farts,” I reply, and he tickles my sides to make me giggle.
He releases me quickly, sliding his arm back around my shoulders. The sound of his heart racing fills me in a different way now, one I’ve never felt before. It’s racingfor me, for the feelings it harbors inside of itfor me.
Adrian’s lips press against my head, lingering for a moment.
“Will you tell me about your anxiety? I would like to understand it better if you’re comfortable sharing.” I run a hand over his stomach, leaning my head back to study his mouth.
“I get anxiety attacks sometimes, mostly when I’m overwhelmed, stressed, tired, or when I get close to having my period. I get anxiety-induced insomnia at times, too, which is a pain because I get so frustrated that I can’t sleep, it gives me more anxiety. I hate the feeling of claustrophobia, it triggers an anxiety attack. Going out of my comfort zone and trying new things? Even worse, but I do it. I push myself because life doesn’t go easy on anyone, especially on those with mental illnesses.
“Some days feel like fighting a battle when your limbs are glued to the ground and you can’t get up. Other days are much better. There’s no single explanation for my anxiety but a hundred different ones that could apply to how I feel, how lost I get. My anxiety comes in different shapes too. It can be an uneasy feeling in my chest, barely there but reminding me it exists. It can also be a heavy weight on my body.”
I take a break to breathe, watching Adrian’s thumb lift to my lips and tracing my bottom one. He’s concentrated on my mouth, on the words falling from it.
“I have symptoms too, handshaking, heavy and shallow breathing, hyperventilating, and so on, but I usually have enough time to call my sister and ask her to help with my ‘Code Blue.’ That’s what we call it.” Adrian’s fingers drop to the bracelet he got me, trailing over the blue heart charm.
“What does she say to help you?” he asks, sliding his hand over my hip and toward the small of my back to drag me against his chest.
“She helps me breathe. Counts with me, you know? Inhale, hold, exhale,” I explain, and he nods, rubbing an infinity symbol onto my back. Or maybe it’s an eight. I’m not entirely sure. I don’t care either way because both are sweet.
One is his number.
The other is a promise of forever.
“So best if I’m nowhere near you when you have an anxiety attack, considering I take your breath away, right?” A laugh bursts out of me, and I nudge him. Adrian chuckles with me, holding on tight. “I’ve got you, you know? Whenever you need me. If you can’t get a hold of your sister, call me. Come to me. I’ll breathe with you,” he promises, so I tilt my head up and kiss his jaw.
“Thank you.”
Silence engulfs us for a moment, the movie already over when he trails a hand down my spine.
“I love spending the night with you, which is a weird thing for me. The only two reasons why I sleep next to a woman are either when Val doesn’t want to sleep alone or when I pass out next to a random girl I fucked.” I frown at his words, but Adrian tickles me a little to make me giggle.
“Why do you?” I ask, and he raises both his brows.
“Why did I have sex with strangers?” I nod as he pulls me closer. Our noses brush before he focuses on answering my question. “I think it has to do with my mother abandoning Val and me at a young age. I loved her more than anything, I remember it clear as day, but, all of a sudden, she was just gone. The thought of falling in love with someone and risking the destruction a heartbreak can bring wasn’t appealing. At least not until—” He cuts off abruptly, but Adrian doesn’t have to finish the sentence. We both know he means me and suddenly, my heart is racing.
“Until the girl from the club, I know,” I tease, making him roll onto his stomach to groan into my mattress. He swears in French for a few moments, and I wait patiently for him to lift his head again. A chuckle escapes me when he shakes his head.
“You’re the woman who teases me, makes me laugh from deep within, and has me on my knees without trying to. You’re the one I can’t fucking get over, and I haven’t even been under you. It’s ridiculous,” he complains.
Maybe Adrian didn’t say this, and I’m simply so sleepy that I’m making everything up in my head, but when he brings his mouth closer to mine to make our noses touch again, I know he really said it.
“You like me,” I whisper, but he doesn’t give me a response. All he does is move his head from side to side to make our noses brush one another. “You can’t like me,” I say, our words causing tears to shoot into my eyes. “I’m so confused and selfish with my career,” I add.
“You’re not selfish. If anything, I’m the one who keeps confusing you more,” he says, and I lift my gaze to meet his. “If all I could ever have with you was this, I want you to know, it’d be enough for me.” He presses a kiss on my forehead. “Any version of us is enough for me.”
“I feel the same.”
My words tumble out of me, making a strange realization settle inside of me. I’d risk a lot for this man, but I’m the one who would be risking everything while his job would not be affected.
But I have a feeling that risking my job means little compared to the risk he’s placing on his heart.
“But I want more. And you deserve more,” is the last thing I hear myself saying as my eyelids grow heavier.
