Page 89 of Luck Be Mine
“I already lean on you enough. It’s the cost of this job.” He quieted, but thankfully the frost was gone from his tone. She had to finish this because it was what they always did. Not talk about it.
“I don’t call this you leaning on me. It’s building our home, our safe harbor.”
“I want this.” He gazed across the porch, studying the space. When his eyes returned to her face, they were charged with intensity. “I never had this before, Cait. My parents didn’t try to make a home or handle a kid. The Navy provided everything I needed. This is novel, special, and ours. I’m sorry about my walls. I put them up whenever I need to compartmentalize to protect you from the crap I’m having to do.”
“What about the blood and trauma I don’t bring home? I compartmentalize, too. I think we should stop. The good and the bad have to exist in thishouse for itto be real, not a fantasy. Can we build on that? We go home has to mean something deeper than food and sex.”
“It does.” He pulled her closer and nuzzled her neck. “It does, Cait.” He straightened, as if realizing he was lapsing back into sex as a coping mechanism.Again, they were on the porch. She was going to have to talk to Frank about turning a blind eye.
She let the quiet settle around her. If sex was what she had to use to get close to him, then so be it. They should enjoy the spark as long as possible. But for once, she needed to be brave. She wanted deeper, closer. “I need inside your walls, and you need inside mine.”
“Honey, from the minute I met you, you were inside my walls. It’s what freaked me. There wasn’t a need to keep things from you, and it was a first for me. Still is. You do so many things for me to maintain this, and I don’t give enough.”
“What do you need to feel like you’re giving enough? I can make a list.”
He huffed out a laugh but sobered. “I have no idea how to figure that out. I don’t easilyallowother people to do things for me.”
“Because you think they won’t have your back, or you don’t deserve it?”
“You will have my back. I know it.”
“Doogiewill, too. All of your team will. Look what they did for us when you brought me home hurt.”
He smirked, his eyes sparking in humor. “That red sofa still haunts this house.”
Cait giggled and caressed his shoulders. “They love us.”
“Yes, they do. But avoiding the connection is a learned reaction I’ve fought all my life.”
“How did you answered them in BUD/S when they called you on doing it?”
“I adapted.”
“Then adapt. I don’t mind when you lean. I’ll cover you however I need to.”
They both lapsed into silence.
Hunt’s thinking silence was different from his shutting her out silence.
She waited, not sure what compromises needed to be worked out. She hadn’t planned for this ‘talk’ to be all over the place. She only wanted him to let down his walls.
He finally spoke. “I have a confession. Elizabeth’s been after me for months to come work at QM when I’m done with the Navy. She even slid an extravagant offer packet under my nose. Did she tell you?”
“No, but it’s no secret they want you. You didn’t mention it, though. Why?”
“Didn’t see the point. I’m still in the fight.”
For him, it was that cut and dried. “Maybe I’d like to know what’s in the pocket where you keep your future,” she said, softly.
He frowned, then took her hand. “I should have told you. It won’t happen again. I’m still thinking, weighing the options. A Commander rank will be difficult to attain. If I get a slot, I have no guarantee what the job will be, and I will have to stay at that rank three years to retire with that pay.”
The Army had the same rules. The reminder made her swallow hard. “Three years isn’t nothing.”
His gaze stayed on her face. At least he was trying to stay connected. “Three years is another deployment cycle, honey. Another rotation where we don’t see each other.”
Her stomach dropped. The lonely part of her hated the idea. She wanted to advise him to grab QM, but she stayed mum. “That’s your call not mine.”
He lifted her fingers to his mouth, kissing each one with a softness that stuttered her heart. “We can get deeper into the options later when the promotions board opens, but it’s been on my mind.”
