Page 106 of Before You
“Bash, I don’t think he feels good,” she says, and now I know something’s up.
“What’s going on?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest as they share a look.
Mom’s hand drifts up to tug at the necklace she wears. “I talked to Mirabelle, and she mentioned you guys got into an argument earlier. Is everything okay? I can’t remember the last time you fought with her.”
I force a chuckle, scratching my jaw as my head spins, trying to find a way out. “I don’t know. You know how Mira gets when she doesn’t get what she wants,” I say, trying to play it off like it’s nothing, because the last thing I want is more questions being asked.
“No, JJ. I don’t know how she gets, but I do know you’re not acting like yourself right now. Do you care to tell us what’s going on with you?” Mom asks, and I blink, caught off guard.How would she know if I’m acting like myself?My chest starts to grow uncomfortable, and I press my hand to my chest.
“No, not really,” I say, for once choosing to not be invisible. “You haven’t exactly cared the last two years, so you don’t need to start now.”
The bullet has been loaded for a long time, but I never thought I’d pull the trigger. Mom’s eyes widen as the truth echoes louder than I think any of us would like it to, her demeanor cracking to show how deeply my words have landed.
I’m afraid to look at my dad, and the pressure on my lungs grows heavier. My eyes land on the door located on the far wall of the dining room, the escape calling to me louder than anything.
I walk past them, refusing to stop until my bare feet touch the cold sand, giving me something else to focus on instead of the panic sinking its claws into me. Marley would tell me to breathe in through my nose and exhale out my mouth. The first one feels impossible, but I keep trying.
Sitting in the sand, I watch as the waves beat mercilessly against the shore. The ocean is angry today, and I understand it because I’m angry too. I know I shouldn’t have said it, but I wasn’t wrong, even if my delivery could have been better.
God, it feels like forever since Marley left, and it was only this morning.What a nightmare of a day.
I think I’m starting to understand what everyone at the meetings talks about when they say getting clean is the easy part, because right now, I think I’d give anything for a few minutes of bliss where I feel nothing. I just keep fucking everything up.
They’re my parents, and I love them, but I feel like they don’t even see that I’ve been so busy trying to make sure everyone else is okay that I’ve completely lost myself in the process.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my dad lowering himself into the sand. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.
“I’ll apologize to Mom when I go inside,” I say, trailing my fingers through the sand, trying to ground myself.
Dad sighs, and I hold my breath, waiting for the lecture I’m about to get. “Good. You should apologize to her, but right now, we’re just going to talk.”
My fingers brush over a shell, and I pick it up to throw it into the water, watching as it disappears among the waves without a trace. “About what?”
“Anything you want to.”
It sounds so simple when he puts it that way—except it’s not.
“You don’t need to humor me by asking now. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, but it’s okay. You don’t always have to be okay,” Dad says, throwing his own seashell into the abyss.
“But I do. I have to be okay because everyone else gets to be upset about Bailey, except for me. I’m not allowed to be upset because he talks to me. It’s only on his terms, but still.”I’m not allowed to be angry or scream about how unfair it is, because what good would it do anyone?
“JJ, you absolutely do get to be upset about Bailey. Just because he only calls you doesn’t mean shit,” Dad says, but it’s almost two years too late.
“Dad, can you honestly remember the last time you called me on the phone, and you didn’t ask if I’d heard from Bailey?” I point out, looking at him with all of my walls down. His amber eyes drag over my face, finally seeing past the facade I’ve had up for so long. I can practically see the gears moving in his head as he thinks back, but based on the way his mouth turns down, I don’t think he can.I’m not sure I even know at this point.“Every single time he’s called, the first thing I do after he hangs up is call you and Mom. I call and listen to the sound of your hearts breaking all over again, and it makes me feel like I don’t exist for anything other than to be the one Bailey speaks to. You guys didn’t even know I learned Italian, or how I’m—” I cut myself off quickly, wiping my eyes blurring with tears as I look back to the water.
“You’re what?” he prods when I don’t continue, and the cold breeze stings my cheeks.
Is this it?
Is this the moment where I come clean about everything?
“I’m lost, Dad,” I whisper, wondering if I’ll escape the whirlpool I’m caught in, or drown first.
He falls quiet, and I’m wondering if this conversation will be another one of those things my family doesn’t talk about when I’m done making waves. “I know . . .” he falters, clearing his throat. “I know we’ve spent a lot of time focused on Bailey and finding him, but it was never our intention to make you feel invisible. I can’t change anything, but I’m going to try to be better from now on. No one is perfect, and we’ve never expected you to be, JJ.”
“Then why haven’t you ever told me that?” I ask, turning to face the man I look so much like.
