Page 123 of Before You
“We know, but we’re going to get you help. You’re going to get better, though,” she says, smiling at me as I wish I’d told them the truth a long time ago.
Maybe everything would have turned out differently, but I’m going to have to find a way to live with the choices I’ve made.
~
It was too much having everyone stare at me with nowhere to go, so I’m hiding in the bathroom, trying to give myself a moment from the apologies and guilt. I hardly recognize myself in the mirror, the large bandage covering half my forehead and temple.I just need a moment to attempt to breathe.It feels selfish after how many people dropped everything to be here. Mirabelle and Henry were at the airport picking up Hunter earlier, and I know there’s a lot of conversations that need to happen, but I was suffocating under the weight of all their stares.
Thankfully, the room is mostly empty when I finally open the door, Marley’s mom the lone figure remaining in the room. “I hope it’s okay I asked everyone to step out for a minute.”
“Thanks,” I say, unsure of what else to say. I climb back into the bed, rolling the portable IV with me, and she takes one of the chairs. “I’m surprised my parents listened to you.”
“I can be convincing when I want to be.” Sephine chuckles, leaning back in the seat. “It’ll get easier.”
“I hope so,” I murmur, my chest aching from where the seatbelt restrained me.
“It will. They’re scared now, but they’ll adjust. It takes time.”
I twist the blanket in my hands, needing something to do. “I’m not sure I deserve for it to get easier. It’s all my fault. If I had been able to stop taking the pills in the first place, none of this would have happened.”
“JJ, you made mistakes. It happens, but they’re a part of life. You have to keep moving forward by working the program and focusing on staying clean. You’re not the first addict to feel like this, but from everything Marley’s told me, you’ve worked really hard to get clean, so unless you were driving the car that hit yours, I’m not sure how this is your fault.”
I want to believe her, except I don’t.
“I have been lying to everyone for so long, I don’t know how I’m supposed to get better and move on,” I say, wondering what the point of all this is supposed to be. “I should have been the one who died. Me—not Asher. He had his whole life ahead of him, but because he tried to help me, he doesn’t.” I sniffle, wiping my nose with the back of my hand as Sephine’s face softens.
“I killed my boyfriend when I was sixteen because I ignored his phone call when I was higher than a kite, and he overdosed,” Sephine says, her gaze unwavering. “I know exactly how you’re feeling right now because I’ve been there. I had the samethoughts. Why him? I’m an addict too, and it took a long time for me to learn to live with the guilt because I couldn’t forgive myself.
“You’re not wrong. Asher did have his whole life ahead of him, and I’m so sorry he’s gone, but you also have your whole life ahead of you. Accept the things you can’t control, and make something good come out of this instead of letting this become an excuse to spiral until it consumes you. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you get to write the next page of your book, not your addiction.”
My jaw drops because I didn’t know any of this. I knew she was an addict, but out of everyone in my life, I didn’t expect Marley’s mom to be the one I could relate to the most right now. “Did you let it consume you?”
“I did,” Sephine says, looking down at her clasped hands in her lap. “I didn’t want to accept the help everyone was offering. I thought I deserved to be in pain, but it wasn’t until I learned to forgive myself for the things I couldn’t change that I truly started to move on. Kiddo, you have so many people who want to be here for you, my daughter included. Let them help you so everyone can begin to heal.”
“I hate being like this,” I admit, and her smile is sad.
“I know, but if you don’t believe anything else I’ve said, please believe none of this was your fault. You’re a kid with the weight of the world on your shoulders, and your doctors failed you. They should never have refilled your prescriptions as many times as they did,” Sephine says, and I want to believe her, but it feels like an excuse to blame others for my decisions.
“I could have chosen to stop taking them.”
“You’re choosing now. Choose every daynotto take them. It’s not going to be easy, but for your sake, I hope you try. You have a bright future ahead of you and I want to see you succeed.”
“It doesn’t really seem all that bright right now,” I choke out, tears burning in my eyes. This is pathetic. I’m pathetic.
Almost as if she can hear the thoughts running in my head, Sephine stands to pull me into a hug, and I sink into her embrace as she rubs my back. “I know it doesn’t, but it all will get better. You will get better. I can just tell.”
“There’s a box under my bed with letters,” I say, my entire body trembling. “They’re for Marley. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“I’ll make sure she gets them,” she promises. “She’s the best thing to ever happen to me too.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Marley
THERE’S BEEN A lot of debate about what to do with JJ. His parents want him to take a leave from school and go home with them. My mom is firm on her stance that JJ would benefit from a short-term stay at an inpatient rehab center, but the only thing they can agree on is JJ needs to speak to someone.
I disagree with both of them because I think part of the reason he started taking the pills was to find a way to control the situations in his life he couldn’t control. Regardless of how well their intentions are, they’re not doing him any favors by trying to make this decision for him.
Selfishly, I want him to stay, but I also know it’s not up to me.
