Page 128 of Before You
“How have you been doing?” I ask, flipping her own question back at her. I don’t want to talk about myself anymore. I feel like I do it enough. Marley’s been going through a lot too, and I hatenot being there for her the way I want to be.I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others, though.
“I’m doing good. It’s weird not having you there, but things are getting better,” Mar says, trying to smile, but this one is different.This one is forced.
I stand up, pulling her with me to walk to the open outdoor area we have. The air inside can feel suffocating, and I’d rather be outside despite the chill in the air from it being late January. I don’t say anything until we’re out there, and I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier. “You know you can tell me how you’re actually doing. I can handle it,” I say, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb.I probably won’t let go of her the entire time she’s here, if I’m being honest.
Marley takes a moment to respond, and I can practically see the gears turning in her brain. “It’s not going to help when you can’t do anything to fix it, especially when I know it’s what you’ll want to do. I want you to focus on your recovery. I want you to get better for yourself and selfishly for me too. I’ve got everything handled.”
I can understand where she’s coming from. I really can because she’s right—I do want to help even though I’m here. I can focus on my recovery and fix things. I can do both.
“Is it Bria?” Her name falls out of my mouth and detonates like a nuclear bomb. I already know it has to do with her. She didn’t seem like she was doing well before I came here, and I’m worried about her. If the roles were reversed, Asher would do everything in his power to help Marley.
“JJ,”Marley chides and I huff in annoyance.
“Marley, I’m fine. I want you to tell me.”
She stops in her tracks, stopping me with her. “JJ, it’s not Bria, or involving anything you need to worry about. I’ve got it covered. It’s just going to take time.” My girlfriend stands tall, and I can tell from her body language she’s preparing for meto argue with her. I take a second to hear what she’s saying, opening my mouth to agree with her when she continues before I can. “You’re doing better, but you’re not fine. The only thing you need to focus on while you’re here is getting better and working through everything. I cannot watch you pile more weight onto your shoulders, so please, if you love me as much as you say you do, don’t push me on this. I’m doing everything I can.”
Marley’s bottom lip quivers and I step closer to her, kissing her briefly. “I was going to agree with you and drop it before, but now all I want to do is tell you I don’t love you as much as I say I do.”
My words process in her head as she tries to step back, but I’ve looped my arm around her lower back, pulling her closer. “What?” she asks, bewilderment written across her face.
“I love youmorethan I say I do. There aren’t enough words in any language we know to convey how much you mean to me.Ti amo con tutto il mio cuore,”29 I say in Italian before continuing in French,“J’apprendrais cent nouvelles langues pour te dire que je t’aime si cela signifie que tu me croirais.”30
“Jonathan Jacob Walker, that was mean,” she says, poking my chest with her finger.
“It’s the truth. I love you more than words.”
Marley purses her lips. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I am,” I say, kissing her again for anyone to see and I quite frankly don’t give a shit. Despite everything, Marley is still standing in front of me. I don’t know how and I’m not going to question it, but I am so grateful the girl I kissed under the stars came back to me.
I don’t know where I would be without her.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Marley
IT’D PROBABLY BE easier for me to focus on this assignment if I were at the library, but I’m waiting for Bria to get home from practice.
I rub my eyes, exhausted and beyond ready to be done with this. Leaning back in the chair, my gaze wandering to the stack of unopened letters I still have to read through. The first few days JJ was in rehab, I read through a chunk of them until I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe.
I started from the beginning, and quickly realized the letters started right after I left him in France, providing a roadmap to the answers to all the questions I hadn’t asked yet. It details how he regretted not asking for my last name, but he didn’t want to pressure me by insisting on it, and why he came up to me in the first place. It was easy to get sucked in, reading how he was worried about his brother, and the guilt he felt for not being home to help. JJ wrote about the first time he met Asher and the way Asher made him feel less homesick by inviting him to his aunt and uncle’s house for dinner on Sunday nights, introducing him to Charlie. I was crying by the third letter, but it was the one where JJ described finally telling Asher about me that caused me to melt like sugar in rain, and I’ve been limiting myself to one every night since, trying to make them last.
Each letter is a gift engrained with a piece of JJ’s soul.
The one I stopped on is sitting open, taunting me to read more, and I can’t resist.
My Marley,
Some days it feels like the only thing getting me through the day is writing these letters to you. Things with Bailey are bad, and I don’t know how to make any of it better. He answers the phone when I call, but he doesn’t say anything while I talk to him. Sometimes it feels like that’s all I do. I write to you without knowing where to send the letters, and I talk to my brother who might as well be a wall. Mirabelle finally figured out her shit with Henry, but it hasn’t stopped Asher from hitting on her every time I have her on the line. I’m not sure what to do with him, but he’s a good friend. I think he’s finally understanding I mean it when I say I’m not interested in anyone if they’re not you. Maybe that makes me crazy, but I’m still holding out to see what the next chapter in our story looks like.
Always yours,
JJ
I miss him so much it feels like losing a part of me, but I couldn’t be more proud of JJ, especially after seeing how well he’s doing. I fold up the letter, setting it on my nightstand because I know I’ll read it later tonight as well.
He’s working through the steps, coming to terms with everything, but a part of me is worried for when he leaves rehab. Rehab is a bubble where he doesn’t have any of the outside factors affecting his recovery, which is exactly what I think he needs to get his feet back under him.
