Page 129 of Before You
It’s going to be fine, but I’m worried. That’s all.
My dad isn’t helping matters either. We got into an argument a few days before I was supposed to visit JJ, and I know he likes JJ, but he doesn’t want to see me hurting.
~
“Dad, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to leave him,” I insist, hoping he can understand where I’m coming from. He’s lived through it enough times.
“You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Is one boy really worth it?”
I try not to let his words hurt me, but they do. JJ is worth it. “We don’t choose who we love. I love him, and I can’t imagine my life without JJ. I refuse to.”
I see Dad’s eyes soften through the screen of the video call because he does understand. Except, while I’m trying to listen to him, he isn’t listening to me.
“I want better than this for you, Marley. This hurt you’re feeling now will be tenfold when he relapses eventually. They all do. It’s why they’re called addicts.”
It’s like a pot calling kettle.
“But Mom—”
Dad doesn’t fall for it. “Your mom has had her struggles, and it’s hard, knowing every single day I could lose her to her addiction. That’s why I know this isn’t something I wish for you, even if you think you love him.”
“Even if I think I love him? I do love him, Dad. It’s never been a choice for me to make. It’s something that just happened and I can’t explain it—just like you can’t explain your love for Mom. You’re a hypocrite telling me to leave him when you’ve never left her. If it’s such a terrible thing to go through, then why are you still with her?” My voice cracks, and I inhale sharply trying to compose myself again. I can deal with the factI haven’t seen JJ in two and a half weeks. I’m dealing with the fact that Bria’s shutting down and she needs me to be there. I’m dealing with the fact my friend died. What might send me over the brink is my dad not supporting my relationship.
“Because it’s a disease. One I would give all my money to if it meant curing it forever. I love your mother more than anything in the entire world, but I’ve had to learn that this disease is a part of her. I’ve tried to shelter you and your brother from the worst of it when she relapsed, but I couldn’t shelter you from all of it.” He runs his hand over his jaw, shaking his head. “I can’t protect you from this, and it scares the fucking shit out of me when I know this road leads to pain.”
“But it can also lead to happiness. Anything important worth having takes work, and you’re the one who taught me love isn’t meant to be perfect,” I continue, trying to keep my tears at bay. “JJ is the one thing I have chosen for myself. The one thing! I am fine with taking over the company, I’m fine with my major being chemistry, and I am fine with everything else that comes along with it. But I am not fine with you asking me to leave him when he needs me most. I choose him. He is the one thing, Dad. I will do anything you ask of me, just please let me have him,” I plead, wearing my heart on my sleeve for once in my life.
~
I blink quickly, tearing myself from the memory. My fingernails are chewed to stubs on the verge of bleeding. Thinking about our conversation stresses me out.
Dad didn’t press me any further on leaving JJ, but he also said nothing about how I feel about the company. So I’ve just kept my head down and tried to get through everything the best I can.
JJ’s supposed to be leaving rehab in a few days, and he’ll be moving in with Henry and Mirabelle. I’ve been going over there a little bit to help them get settled, but I really admire the way they’ve dropped everything to be here for JJ. Living with them will certainly be better than going back to the house he lived in with Trent, Luka, and Asher.
I hear the distant sounds of our front door opening and closing, telling me Bria’s back.
A lot of the time, we sit together in silence because I don’t know what to say. What do you say to your best friend when your boyfriends were in a car accident together, except hers died while mine lived? It’s better than being alone and miserable. I know Bria has questions, but I can only hope I have the answers for her when she decides to ask them.
She’s in the kitchen mixing a protein drink with her back to me when I find her.
“Hey,” I say, taking a seat at one of the barstools. “How was practice?”
Her long, dark hair tied up in a ponytail swishes as she turns to look at me. “It was good,” she says, giving a little shrug with her shoulders. I wait for her to elaborate, but she doesn’t.
“I was thinking about hitting up the library later, and I didn’t know if you wanted to join? Might be good for us to get out of the house a bit,” I suggest, treading lightly.
“Maybe,” Bria says, pulling herself up on the counter to sit, and my gaze falls to her sweatshirt. It’s one of Asher’s, and I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “So JJ’s supposed to be back in a few days, right?” she asks, taking a sip of her drink.
“Yeah. I’ll go with Henry and Mira to get him Saturday morning.”
Her mouth flattens, and she looks away. “How’s he doing?”
“He’s focusing on his recovery, but he seems okay,” I say, and Bria nods.
“Why didn’t you guys tell me?” Bria finally asks. She sniffles, turning back to me as she sets her drink down. “It wouldn’t have changed the way I saw him. I know I might not act like it all the time, but I love JJ too. Not the same way you do, but I thought we were close enough that he would have known he could tell me?”
I told Bria the truth when her head had cleared enough after the accident to ask where JJ and Asher had gone so abruptly. I also told her JJ was going to rehab instead of the lie we fed everyone else about him going home for a few weeks to clear his head. His professors were lenient with his assignments given the circumstances, and worked out some kind of deal with the university to where JJ would be able to continue his coursework while in rehab. A lot of non-disclosure agreements were signed to try to keep his addiction under wraps, and so far it’s worked.
