Page 21 of Before You
“Have you, though? Because you fell in love with JJ after spending a day with him, and you’ve been with Trent for four months, and still can’t tell him you love him.”
It hurts to hear because I don’t want to hurt Trent. I might not love him, but I do care for him. I swallow my guilt, thinking about how his mother’s already dropping hints for our hypothetical future wedding. “I’m not going to say I love him if I don’t,” I say, twisting my hair up into a bun to get it off my neck. I feel like the walls are closing in, and the claustrophobia is getting to me.
“JJ still loves you,” she says, and I involuntarily shiver, thinking of how he looked like it caused him physical pain not to be next to me. How tender his touch was when he brushed his thumb over my cheek before pulling away. I didn’t want him to, but I know how unfair it is for me to even think it.
“Bria, I’m with Trent,” I repeat, swallowing the lump forming in my throat.
“So you keep saying.”
“I thought you liked Trent? It feels like you’re telling me to break up with him.”
Bria shakes her head. “No, I’m not telling you to do anything. I tolerate Trent because you like him, but right now, it feels like you’re trying to convince yourself you still like him.” She exhales, softening her voice. “It’s okay if you changed your mind.”
“That’s not . . .” I trail off, scoffing.It’s exactly what I’m doing.“Bria, just say whatever you’re hinting at.”
“I think JJ would make you happier, but I don’t think you’re ready to hear and believe it, so I’ll be ready to tell you again when I think you’ll listen to me. For now, you need to know it’s okay to not be with Trent. You deserve to be happy.”
I’m entirely taken aback, and I know she means well, but Bria’s right. I’m not ready to hear it.
“I’ll keep it down,” I say softly, unable to form a different response.
“Mar, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’ve listened to you talk about JJ for almost three years, and I don’t want you to miss out on something great with him, because you’re settling for something mediocre with Trent,” she continues, reading me as I grab my guitar to hide how my hands are trembling.
“It’s okay, Bria. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m going to take a nap, but if you need anything, wake me up, okay?”
“Thanks.” I muster a short smile, but my mind is racing.
After Bria shuts the door behind her, I strum the melody again quietly, the words pouring from me, unlocked by something she said.
~
Trent grips my hand tightly as we walk around campus, enjoying the fresh air. He radiates this confidence I wish I had. He seems so sure about everything: football, school, us. I don’t know how he does it.
I’ve been doing my best to push what Bria said yesterday out of my head.
“What are you humming?” Trent asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“I’m humming?” I ask, looking up at him, shielding my eyes with my other hand. He was smart, grabbing sunglasses, but I left mine in my car.
He smiles, swinging our hands gently between us. “Yeah. The same tune over and over again. It’s cute.”
“Just something I heard on the radio,” I say, my cheeks warming. “How was football this morning?”
“I think we have a shot this season to make the playoffs. Everyone’s working really hard, but goddamn, Walker has had a stick up his ass lately. He needs to get laid, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen him even kiss a girl, let alone bring one home,” Trent says, but now I’m lost. Who are we even talking about?
“Walker?”
Trent chuckles, his dimples popping. “Sorry, JJ. Walker is his last name, and what we all call him.”
Of course we’re talking about JJ, who is the one person I shouldn’t be talking about.
“Oh,” I say, my head spinning. “I thought I saw him talking to a girl at the party last week?” I ask, despite knowing I shouldn’t touch this topic with a ten-foot pole.
“I’m not sure what his deal is. Sometimes I think he could be gay, but I’ve never seen him show any interest in anyone, and it’s not like he hasn’t had plenty of opportunities. Usually, he has a good sense of humor, but he’s been keeping to himself, snapping at things that wouldn’t have bothered him a month ago.”
That doesn’t sound at all like JJ. “I wonder what changed,” I say, as someone waves at Trent. I should be changing the topic again, but now all I can think about is that morning in the kitchen with JJ.He seemed fine to me. I wonder if something happened with his brother since then?
