Page 29 of Before You
“Marley, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but you can trust me. I’ve always been on your side, rooting for you,” he says, his shoulders sinking with defeat, but I think I’ve reached my capacity for the day.
“I want you to leave me alone,” I say, tears filling my vision. I rest my hands on his chest, pushing him away, and this time, JJ doesn’t fight me, or try to stop me when I climb into my car.
CHAPTER NINE
JJ
“I KNOW YOU already know this, but still, here we are, JJ. What the hell are you thinking?” Billy asks, crossing her arms over her chest as the e-stim pulses on my throbbing knee underneath the heating pad.
“I’m cleared to practice and play like normal,” I respond, and she scoffs.
“But you’re not one hundred percent yet. It can take up to two years after surgery to play the way you used to.”
I know.
I fucking know.
“How much have you been running?” Billy asks, narrowing her eyes. Considering she’s working through her lunch to help me right now, I’m not really sure I want to piss her off. “Do I even want to ask if you’re wearing your brace?”
I flash a charming smile at her, hoping she’ll drop the lecture sooner than later. “I’ll give you whatever answer helps you sleep better at night.”
“JJ, do I look like I’m in the mood to laugh right now?” she asks as the machine beeps, the electrical stimulation machine turning off, and Billy takes off the heating pad, beginning to disconnect the pads. “Lay back,” she instructs, and I sigh, following her directions.
Billy starts rotating my leg, testing to see my range of motion. I focus on my breathing, do my best not to let it show how it hurts when she starts massaging my iliotibial band on the side of my thigh, but fuck, the muscle there is wound tighter than I am. “You need to take it easier. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to tell your coaches how often you’re in here for treatment,” she warns, and I clench my jaw as she digs her fingers into a particularly tender spot.
Billy understands better than anyone what this injury did to me. She’s been working with me since I returned to Beaumont after my surgery, angry at the world, and essentially, Billy told me to get my shit together.
“I’m fine, I promise,” I say, but I’m not sure if I’m lying to her or myself.
This time, I can’t hold back a hiss when she presses the heel of her hand down on the band. “Lay off the running, or you’re going to spend this season the same way you spent the last.”
I can’t stop running. It’s the only thing helping me breathe easier. The last two weeks have been rough without Marley. I’ve been trying to put pen to paper, but even knowing she won’t get the letters, I still haven’t been able to justify my actions. I ran into Bria a few days ago, and she’s started joining me on my early morning runs when the rest of the world is still sleeping. It’s nice having company, and we run at a brisk enough pace that there’s little oxygen left over for us to talk about the elephant in the room.
I spent eight hundred and ninety-two days dreaming about Marley. I never expected I’d have to start counting again so soon after finding her.
I’ve heard my father explain the wordalmosta thousand times—it can be used to describe all the things you could have done or didn’t do.
I think watching Marley leave me again is the perfect description ofalmost.
“I’ll try,” I mumble, dropping the facade. It’s not like Billy doesn’t already see right through it.
But if I can’t run . . . then all the thoughts in my head are going to be rampaging constantly with no reprieve. My fists clench as I try to get through the temporary pain I’m in right now. This is nothing compared to the constant ache in my chest, though. The pain I feel on a daily basis is worse, threatening to pull me into the ground, swallowing me alive. I just need a break where I don’t feel like I’m wading through quicksand, where everything isn’t so fucking hard.
Running is where I find my quiet.
Without it, I don’t know who I’ll be.
“Is there anything you need to talk about?”
“Not unless you want to hear about my pathetic love life where I fucked things up with a girl I’m not even dating,” I say, and the only hint of surprise is her eyebrows raising ever so slightly. I’ve never spoken to Billy about girls, but there’s no one else in here, so I don’t have to worry about someone hearing me admit to fucking over my teammate.
“First of all, language. Secondly, how?”
“By not telling her that her boyfriend was cheating on her,” I grit out, feeling both my mental and physical pain spike.
“JJ.”
I exhale sharply, closing my eyes as Billy continues torturing me. “I know. I messed up, but we kind of have history, and I was worried if I told her, she’d think I was making it up so they’d break up. I hadn’t seen her in almost three years, and it caught me off guard seeing her again.”
