Page 37 of Before You
I went through the motions at practice, muscle memory taking over as my mind was shrouded in the fog of recalling the sound of my parents crying when I told them Bailey called. The fog allows me to breathe without my lungs collapsing under the weight of guilt I feel telling Mirabelle I learned nothing new. It allows me to momentarily forgive myself when I tell my other brother, once again, his twin called me instead of him.
The pills can’t be any worse for me than being trapped inside my head with no escape.
They still aren’t enough to fix everything, though.
I could feel them start to wear off when I began my run, and as the fog clears, my feet slow to a stop as my knee throbs from the lengths I’ve been pushing it to recently. I’m not surprised to find myself in front of Marley’s building, knowing I should keep running. I’m not supposed to be here, but it’s also the only place I want to be.Marley is my safe place.
But I’m aware Marley isn’t ready to see me in person, and it’d be selfish of me to go up there. I’m not sure I can be a big enough person to walk away after today.
I just need to see her, even if it’s only for a second, and then I’ll go back to waiting and writing, but I need Marley.
It’s enough for me to rationalize climbing the stairs to knock on her door. I change my mind a dozen times before I knock, but once I do, I’m frozen in place.
Marley opens the door, a look of confusion marring her beautiful features. “JJ?” she asks, and I’m highly aware of my heart quickening in my chest.God, she’s fucking stunning.I scan over her face, committing every detail to my memory to fill in the small holes of what I struggled to remember before in case this is the last time I get to see her.
Her olive skin has a slightly darker hue to it, and I wonder if Marley’s been spending more time outside. It could also be the shadows from the lighting, though. More noticeable is the haircut Marley’s definitely had, her brown hair hitting an inch or two below her collarbones, instead of falling down her back. She’s wearing a large graphic tee with a faded snowman on it, reaching the middle of her thighs.I wonder—I force my gaze back up, dragging a hand over my jaw.
I’m all over the place. I’m trying to get Marley to give me a chance, not scare her off by being a creep. “I’m sorry. I said I wasn’t going to push you until you were ready to see me, and here I am, fucking that up too,” I say, taking a step back to putspace between us. “I just . . . I needed to see you, and now that I have, I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for showing up like this. It was selfish.”
“Wait, is everything okay?” Marley asks, crossing her arms over her chest.
It’d be so easy to tell her the same lie I feed everyone else, but I don’t want to lie to Marley. Lies are what got me in this goddamn mess in the first place. “No, it’s not,” I admit. “I like your hair. You look beautiful,” I whisper, offering the faintest of smiles. It’s all I can muster right now.
I turn to go back the way I came when her arms snake around my waist, holding me in place as her body is pressed against my back. It takes a couple seconds for my brain to make the connection Marley’s hugging me.
“You don’t have to go,” Marley says.
My willpower is weakening.I should leave.I got what I came for by seeing her for the first time in weeks, and it’s enough. Having her touch me and say I don’t have to leave is more than I deserve right now. She deserves better than me when I couldn’t tell her the truth from the start.
Marley deserves someone who can give her the world instead of feeling crushed underneath the weight of it.
I wish I didn’t feel anything at all right now, and I know exactly how awful that is.
“I should.”Fuck, it’s better for both of us if I leave.
Her arms tighten around me. “Please, stay.”
And with two words, my willpower crumbles entirely.
“Okay,” I agree. Marley unravels herself, grabbing my hand to pull me along with her into the apartment.I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.
Marley mutes the television playing a sitcom in the background, taking a seat on one end of the couch as I standawkwardly, aware of the layer of sweat on my skin. Her couch is really nice, and the last thing I want to do is leave a stain.
“You can sit down, JJ,” she says, the corners of her mouth pulling upward. “The couch doesn’t bite.”
“I know,” I say, relaxing a little. “I’m sweaty and gross, and I don’t want to ruin your things.”
Marley tilts her head, her gaze working its way down my body, before trailing up again. “I don’t care, but I can tell you do,” she says, standing up, only to take a seat on the ground a moment later. “Please sit down, it’s making me anxious because I’m worried you might only be a figment of my imagination and disappear.”
I slowly lower myself to the floor, wincing as my knees crack at the movement. “Thank you,” I say, trying not to grimace as I stretch my leg out. It was a mistake not to take another one before running. “No Bria?” I ask, looking around the apartment to see if she’s lurking behind a doorway to scare the daylights out of me.
“She’s at the library, but you don’t have anything to worry about. She likes you,” Marley says, reaching up to play with her shorter strands.
“Don’t tell Asher,” I joke, feeling a faint smile tug at my mouth. “I really do like your hair.”
I’m rewarded with her stunning smile, and Marley twists the strands between her fingers. “I needed a change,” she says, and I nod, understanding where she’s coming from.
“It looks good,” I repeat, hating how thick the tension between us is. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t think she does either.
