Page 38 of Before You
She crosses her legs before uncrossing them. If I didn’t think my body would protest, I’d probably be crawling out of my skin, but I’m too damn tired. “Whatever happened . . . I’m sure it can’tbe as bad as you think it is. I don’t want to push, but I’m worried, JJ.”
I love her optimism, and I wish more than anything Marley were right. My mouth feels dry as I swallow the lump forming in my throat, and I focus on the blue hue in Marley’s irises. “My brother called.”
“The one who . . .” Marley trails off, her eyes widening when I wince.
“Yeah. Bailey,” I say, feeling dizzy. I scratch the back of my neck, looking anywhere but at Marley. It’s a struggle because the only thing I want to do is look at her, but do I deserve to feel better?
“Is he okay?”
Despite how hard I’m trying not to feel anything, tears well up in my eyes as I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to keep them at bay. “He said he was, but I don’t think he is,” I say after a moment. “B still won’t tell me where he is, but he did say we should stop looking because he doesn’t want to be found.”
I don’t get it. Mirabelle and I have been over it a thousand times, and it still doesn’t make sense.
“Did you tell your parents?” Marley asks, and I purse my lips, shaking my head.
“I . . . I think it would only hurt them more if they knew I thought he wasn’t okay, so I lied, and I told them Bailey’s safe.” I resist the urge to claw at my chest, the visceral pain of knowing what my parents’ hearts sound like when they break again is almost too much for me. I hate it more than anything. It’s suffocating me, the sound wrapping itself around my neck like a noose to hang me for my failings.
Marley startles me, resting her hand on top of mine, squeezing reassuringly. “In this kind of situation . . . that knowledge can be invaluable, JJ.”
“I don’t know if it is. My parents are some of the strongest people I know, and they’ve been crippled by Bailey’s choice to run away. I’m afraid I’m only giving them a false hope to cling to by hiding the worst from them, because I’m starting to think he might never come home.” I haven’t even admitted this to myself, afraid of even thinking it into existence, but I guess this is another piece of my soul that belongs to Marley.
Her entire face softens, as does her kind voice. “Hey, don’t go there. You don’t know what will happen. Bailey could come back in a couple of weeks for all we know.”
“It’s been nearly two years. If Bailey were planning on coming home, I think he would have by now.” My breathing hitches, and I clench my fists as they shake from all the awful thoughts beginning to swirl in my head, but the ugliest one of all is trying to imagine what my future looks like if Bailey doesn’t return. “What if he doesn’t come back?” I ask, my voice cracking as my tears spill down my cheeks, blurring my vision.
What happens then? I can’t keep counting the days between signs of life, slowly dying under the pressure. I can’t keep hearing the disappointment in my parents’ voices when I call them without an update, and the grief when I have one. I can’t do this forever.
Tick, tock, tick, tock.
How long until I run out of restarts?
Hands touch the sides of my face, tilting my head up as I inhale raggedly, trying to catch my breath as I bite down hard on my lip to keep it from trembling. “JJ, hey, I need you to look at me,” Marley says, and I’m paralyzed. “Fuck it,” she mumbles under her breath, and then she’s straddling my waist. “Look at me,” she instructs firmly, and for her, I try.
“Marley, I can’t. I just can’t . . .” I trail off, full sobs breaking free as I lose control of the torrent of emotions inside me. She wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly as I rest my headin the crook of her neck, crumbling. As if Marley can understand how badly I need this, she doesn’t let go, running her hand up and down my back.
“I’ve got you,” Marley whispers.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Marley
I WAS WRONG before when I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. It hurt knowing JJ withheld the truth from me, but what I felt then is nothing even remotely close to what I feel now, seeing JJ fall apart because of the burden he shoulders for his family.
I can’t even put myself in his shoes to understand what this feels like for him, and I hate I haven’t asked sooner how he’s doing. I’ve been punishing him for a crime that wasn’t his to repent for.
JJ’s whole body is shaking, but I don’t let go. I couldn’t just watch as he started to spiral, and I didn’t know what to do. He was hyperventilating, looking as if he was trying to disappear into himself. This big, strong, beautiful man is falling apart in front of me, and the only thing I could think to do was hold him, because I have a feeling this never happens. Our conversations have helped me realize he’s the type of person who is always there for other people, and never for himself.
I feel guilty for adding to the weight he carries, but everything before now doesn’t matter. I can be there for him now.
We’ve shifted from me sitting in his lap to me leaning against the couch as he trembles in my arms, his head pressed into thecrook of my neck. I can feel JJ’s hot tears against my skin, and I rub his back in circles, despite his shirt being drenched in sweat.
How long was he running before he ended up at my door?
I was surprised and a little confused to see JJ, until I saw the pain he was poorly concealing. It was the way JJ looked at me like I was the oxygen he desperately needed to breathe, his emerald gaze combing over me with a hunger causing my heart to race in my chest.
I could tell something was wrong, and despite him trying to leave, every logical part of my brain was begging me to make him stay.
His hands are clutching my shirt with an unwavering grip, and I hum quietly under my breath, willing to try anything to help him calm down. It doesn’t take long for the desired effect to take place, and JJ’s breathing slows, his head shifting to rest on my chest.
