Page 61 of Before You
“Yes, dumbass. C’mon, we need to get you out of here while you can still somewhat walk,” she says, wrapping my arm around her shoulders to help support me. We stagger toward the exit, shouldering our way through people as my eyelids fall further down.
“M-Marley,” I slur, reaching for the phone in my pocket.
“Yeah, sorry, but you’re not calling her while you’re like this. What the hell were you thinking getting this fucked up?”
Iwasn’tthinking.I don’t think I have been for a while.
~
I wake up on the floor of an unknown bathroom, my shirt soaked through with sweat and a stain that looks like vomit after closer examination. A loud pounding slams against my skull as I focus on my hands shaking in front of me.
My stomach rolls and I lean forward into the toilet, heaving.
What the hell happened last night?
I wipe my mouth on a piece of toilet paper, trying to piece everything together.I know I was at the party, but everything after is a blur.
When my stomach stops churning, allowing me to stand, I rinse the aftertaste of vomit from my mouth. However, as I try to cup the water, a majority of it slips through my fingers from how badly they’re shaking. I can feel a disgusting sheen of sweat covering me.
The pills—they’ll fix it.They’ll fixme. I rapidly pat my pockets, feeling for the extras I’ve started carrying, but panic begins to course through my veins as I try to think of where I would have put my emergency ones because I’m not feeling them.
The thought of calling them emergency pills results in a dark laugh slipping from me. I’m a fucking mess.Emergency pills? What happened to the promise you made to stop taking them, JJ?
I wince, another round of nausea threatening to bring me to my knees as the pressure in my head increases. Holy shit—my jacket. I put them in my jacket.
Shielding my eyes from the harsh white light, I glance around the bathroom, but if I don’t even know where I am, how the fuck am I supposed to know where my jacket is.
Bracing myself over the sink, I splash more cold water on my face before reaching into my back pocket for my phone, but I swear, my heart stutters in my chest at the empty pockets.
My phone is my lifeline to Bailey. If he gets into trouble and by some miracle calls me, only I don’t answer because I got too fucked up at a party. I don’t know how I would ever forgive myself.
Reaching for the handle, I stagger out of the bathroom into a dorm room, clearly belonging to a girl, and I feel even worse than I did before. What the hell have I done?
I drag my hands through my hair, feeling like I’m gasping for air as I search through the messily made bed for my phone. I can’t have missed a call from Bailey, and Marley—oh god.Marley. My vision blurs as my chest constricts at the thought of hurting her because I took it too far mixing alcohol and pills.
The tears slipping down my cheeks echo the cracks breaking me apart from the inside out.Why am I like this?I clutch at my chest, dropping to my knees as the pounding in my head only grows worse. How could I be so reckless and stupid?
I need to stop taking the pills—this can’t happen again.
Marley deserves better than this. I know I wouldn’t cheat on her, but I’d be stupid if I didn’t consider the thought that it could have happened and I’d have no idea. My fist hits the hard floor as I choke on a sob, bowing my head, andeverythingaches.
I’m done. I’m so done with all of this—the crushing pressure everything will fall apart ifIfall apart, and I’m nearly killing myself to keep up with it.It’s fucking exhausting.
A hand rests on my back, startling me.
“JJ,oh my god.What happened? What’s wrong?” Charlie’s voice asks as I lift my head, gasping for air.
“What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Charlie wipes my cheeks, helping to clear some of the tears from my vision, shaking her head. “Take a deep breath with me.”
“I-I can’t,” I stutter over my words, panic refusing to release its grip on me.
I thought I’d hit a low point when I broke down in front of Marley, but if that was a breakdown, then I don’t know what to call this. My nervous system is infight or flightmode, tempted to let the boulder sitting on my chest finally crush me.
She grabs my face, forcing me to look at her. “You can—in through your nose, out through your mouth,” she says, and I try, feeling the hot tears continue to stream as I inhale raggedly. “Again.”
I continue, feeling the panic slowly recede, but my body continues trembling. “Thank you,” I whisper, and Charlie brushes my tears away again.
